The Squeegy: A One-Use Tool

This morning as I was driving into work, I was following a huge blue conversion van. Spattered along the back doors was some sort of pinkish substance. It brought up a fond memory from my youth. Several years ago, I was designated driver for a group of drunken and rowdy 19-year-old girls. We were returning home from a long and heavy night of partying. As we hopped on the freeway leaving Downtown Cleveland (The Flats), my friend crawled over another friend in the back seat, rolled down the window, and proceeded to vomit out the window at 65 mph. Her aim wasn't so good, and the vomit actually landed on the passenger side of the car from the door to the trunk.

She felt really bad about what happened, and started crying. Then she reached out the window and, with the sleeve of her new winter wool jacket, proceeded to "wipe off" the puke.

I dropped all of my friends off and went straight home, not really thinking much about it.

The next morning, I had long since forgotten the incident. I was off on my merry way and decided to stop for gas. When I got out of the car to fill up, I noticed huge, crystalized puke-cicles. Yes, it was the dead of winter, and my friend's vomit was frozen to my car.

All I had to work with was the window-cleaner-squeegy thing. Here's a helpful hint for all of you: Squeegies do NOT scrape puke-cicles off of your vehicle. I ended up using my window scraper and then immediately throwing it out. Being winter time, I (of course!) could not get it washed. It looked horrid.

Later on that night, my parents asked me what was all over the side of my car. I told them I thought it was mud. They didn't buy it, on account of mud isn't pink and doesn't have chunks of food in it and doesn't smell like vomit. But that was my story, and I stuck to it.

Ahhhh, youth. Good times, good times.

This Could Only Happen To Me...

So I go into the bathroom to pour out some old coffee. Not wanting to be a jerk, I turned on the water so as not to stain the porcelain sink. I turn the handle and BLAMO! The faucet flies up, hits the ceiling, and then clanks back down into the sink. Water shoots up and out, everywhere, like a fricking volcano errupting. I was soaking wet!!! I screamed (I know, very professional) and then went back in to try and turn the handle to the "off" position. A coworker, hearing my scream, came running to my rescue. I'm sure she thought something really bad had happened, and so she just started laughing when she saw me. I called the department that handles emergency situations such as these, and they were like: "oh, okay." And not, "OH MY GOD - ARE YOU OKAY?" Apparently someone will be by at some point and fix it. Whatever. Meanwhile, we're having a wet t-shirt contest over here, and I'm the only participant...

Mama's Watchin Her Stories

So, I've fallen into the stereotype of the stay-at-home mom who watches soaps all day. During my son's afternoon naps on Mon & Tues, I've been watching "Days of Our Lives" at 1pm and "General Hospital" at 3pm. I still have yet to find a good soap at 2pm. I've tried watching a couple, but I just can't get into them.

Anyway, it's getting to the point where I asked my husband to tape the soaps on Friday. It's a lot easier fast forwarding through the commercials. Plus, I can catch up from what I missed on Wed & Thurs. And I'm good to go for Monday.

I think the dumbest part of the soaps is how much sex is going on. Who has the time? Or the energy? Or the stamina? My word, there are a lot of horny peeps out there. I try not to watch my stories when hubby is around, because I don't want him to get depressed! Poor guy!!

Sidebar: The MIL came and went, and despite a few small incidents, no major snafus occured. Although I was a little grossed out when I had to do the laundry and touch the washcloth she used in the shower. I don't even want to THINK about where that had been.....

While you were out

So I only work 3 days a week. But my son always does something incredible or major WHEN I'M AT WORK. My husband just called and said Boy Genius pulled himself up to a standing position all on his own. Of course, I felt bad because it seems I miss everything. Then my husband, trying to console me, says, "but then he crawled over to the bookcase, grabbed a picture of you, and was sitting there staring at it." This made me feel EVEN WORSE and I started to cry. Right here at my desk. (Sorry Mel). All I could think was my baby saying, "Mommy, I'm here. I'm standing and I want you to see it. Where are you?" Anyway, now I feel like shit. I just want to go home and spend the weekend with my son. But now I have to share him with my MIL....

Larry LaPrise Dies at 93

This one gets me everytime when the email comes around labeled "sad news"....

Larry LaPrise Dies at 93

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in . . . and then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny.

People Piss Me Off

It's 10:30am and I am already fed up with people for the day. In fact, Melanie and I are both having our fair share of stupid, ignorant, rude, sarcastic, impatient, and obnoxious people. I'm sick of dealing with them. She is sick of dealing with them. One more jerk calls me, and I'm giving them an earful. WATCH OUT. Here comes Lo Lo, and she is PISSED!!!!

Who's Creepier: Jennifer Wilbanks or John Mason?

So I caught the last half of the "Runaway Bride" interview with Katie Couric last night. And I really don't know who's creepier: Jennifer Wilbanks or her fiance, John Mason.

While her bug-eyes and creepy hillbilly accent are distracting, he actually seemed quite scary. He was holding her hand in a way to suggest ownership and seemed to answer her questions for her. There is something in his eyes that screams controlling bastard. It's just a feeling. Actually, my guess is she ran away from him because he's a total bastard. I mean, why would he still be with her if she ran off like that? Because he wants to control her and most abusive men don't want their women to leave. Why would he? It's a "sweet gig" controlling every aspect of her life.

There's something just not quite right with him. Can't put my finger on it, but I have to trust my intuition.

I do think it's a disgrace that this woman premeditated her disappearance, lied about what happened, made up a story about being kidnapped and raped, cost the taxpayers and police all this money (which she doesn't have to completely pay back), and then came clean ONLY after being caught in her lie, and now she is making money off of the whole thing with her "reward" of a book deal and movie. Only in America, I guess.

Regardless, the two of them give me the creeps. Oh, and I don't buy her story about how she was going to either kill herself or run away that day. I think she made that shit up, too. She is still trying to get sympathy from her audience. Frankly, I wouldn't believe a word that came out of her mouth. She is a liar and a phony, a fake and a fraud.

But other than that, she's completely delightful.

Hurl, Spew, Puke, Barf, Blow Chunks....

Whatever you want to call it, my son vomitted everywhere last night. It was about 10:30pm. Bed time. I was just getting into bed and hubby was putting the little guy into his crib. For some reason, he woke up, realized he was in his crib, and started crying. Now, being that I have to get up at 5am, I'd rather just appease the little one and let him sleep in our bed. He's out like a light in 10 seconds, and it spares me the agony of listening to him scream for hours. But hubby decides we should listen to the doctor and just let him cry. You know, shake it off. You're almost 11 months old. Snap out of it.

Yeah, right....

Anyway, the little guy knows just how to get his way: He throws up everywhere. And when I say everywhere, I mean it was in his eyelashes, eyebrows, in his hair, up his nose, all over the sheets, through the mattress pad, onto the mattress, on the bumper pads, etc, etc, etc.

And the way I find out about the incident is via my husband, who is screaming: "Oh phuck! Oh Jezzus! Oh phuck! Holy shit! Oh my GOD!" This, of course, prompts Lo Lo to fly out of bed and come to the rescue. I run into the room and hubby is standing there, holding the puking machine. So I strip him down, get him in the tub for bath #2, dry him off, pass off baby, strip the bed, strip hubby (who is also covered), run downstairs, put in a load of laundry, and come back up to let the baby sleep in our bed... which was what both he and I originally wanted to do.

Now, of course, it's after 11pm, and I cannot fall asleep because I'm worried about the little guy. And frankly I'm just waiting for another incident, this time in our bed. But the baby, on the otherhand, is off to la la land, happy as a pig in shit because - once again - he won. I can just hear his little voice inside his head (picture the little baby from "Family Guy") saying "Victory is mine!"

This incident made me I realized that the smell of bile is probably my least favorite smell. A very close second is the scent of a poopy diaper. Blech. Oh yes, the untold joys of parenthood....

So that was my exciting night. And don't even think you can top it, because you can't. We live for excitement in the Lo Lo household! It is just one andrenaline rush after another, after another, after another....

Kevin Federline is a Freaking Genius!

So yesterday I'm flipping around on the tube and I catch the tail-end of the finale of the "reality show" (and I use the term loosely) called "Chaotic." For those of you who don't know, it's about Britney Spears and her nobody husband, Keven Federline.

Watching this show, I realized that my IQ was rapidly dropping with each passing moment. But I digress...

I did discover something, though. Not that they both useless pieces of white trash - this is a given. Not that they are total morons - again, given! No, what I realized is that Kevin Federline is a freaking genius! This guy is completely worthless. He is a loser who finds rich, successful women, knocks them up, and then lives off of their money.

Sidebar: He also looks like he smells: Chain smoker, scraggly dirty hair, greasy face. YUCK! YUCK! YUCK!

So at the end of this "show," Kevin looks into the camera and tells Brit how he compiled a little slide show about her and it shows how great she is. Then, the dude gets all choked up - has to stop talking because it appears that he is going to cry. Then he goes on and on about - Baby, you're my everything. I love you so much, blah blah blah.

Well, you know what, she IS his everything. Before he met her, Dude couldn't even make his car payments! His freaking car got repo-ed. He was a back-up dancer. A nobody. And yet he got two girls to fight over him. And one was several months pregnant. And then he managed to convince Brit to marry him and subsequently knocked her up, too.

Wonder how many diseases everyone has now? Including the new baby....

Anyway, this guy is a talentless, broke-ass hillbilly who convinced this multi-millionaire to marry him and have his 3rd baby (that we know of). Now he's unemployed, living the life of luxury, driving sweet cars, and faking an occassional cry so that Brit thinks he's in love with her.

Well, guess what Britney Spears? He left his other woman when she was preggers for someone richer. What makes you think he won't leave your ass when someone better, hotter, and richer comes along?

Anyone interested in starting a pool? When will he leave her? My guess is that he'll stick around until just after the baby is born. Then when she stops paying him attention - and stops paying his salary - he'll move on to the next dumb young thang. Who will he leave her for? Lindsay Lohan? One of the Olsen twins? Ashlee Simpson? I'm thinking Lindsay. She's another hot mess. But, this is just my opinion. What do YOU think?

Toe-Tappin' Tunes and Sappy Sad Songs

As I was cranking the tunage on my way into work this morning, I decided to compile a list of my top 10 faves. When you have a really long commute (like me or Mel), you have lots of time to think about what you're going to blog about for the day. Okay, so here goes:

Top 10 songs that make me crank it up and smile:

1) "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi.
(I love, love, love anything by this band - I celebrate their entire musical carreer - but this one just happens to be my favorite)

2) "Groove is in the Heart" by DeeeLite.
(This song reminds me of going to the underage lame-ass dance clubs on Sunday nites, and dancing like a raving lunatic because we just got hammered in the parking lot before we went in)

3) "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch
(For those of you who don't know, this man makes me drool. And even though he dedicated his "autobiography" to his dick, I still think he is hot, hot, hot)

4) "Give a Little Bit" by Goo Goo Dolls
(Even though this is a remake, I dig it. And for some reason, while I'm usually pretty good at memorizing the words to songs, this one causes me to be lyrically-challenged. However, I still crank it up and sing along - wrong words and all)

5) "Today" by Smashing Pumpkins
(I just like the words to this song. And even though Billy Corigan reminds me of a slimy jerkweed I used to date who stole money from me and treated me like shit, I still like his music. Although I've heard his poetry makes him look like a no-talent ass clown)

6) "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor
(This song is dedicated to every loser jackass that dumped me and thought I would be permanently scarred. Well guess what? I'm doing just fine. In fact, I'm better than fine. I'm fantastic and my life is wonderful, so Phuck you!)

7) "Brown-Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison
(This is a song my dad used to sing to me when I was a little Lo Lo. Plus, my girlfriend dedicated it to me at her wedding. And what's weird, is that I have brown eyes, too!)

8) "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot
(First of all, Lo Lo got back. Secondly, we played this song at my wedding, and one of my good friends "smacked that ass" during the whole thing. Gotta love the girl-on-girl action. Good times, good times)

9) "Boot Scootin' Boogie" by Brooks & Dunn
(My parents, who are wonderful dancers, have an anniversary the day after me and hubby. (Don't worry - they were married 30+ years before us!) Anyway, at our wedding, we surprised them by dedicated this song to them, and they got out on the dance floor, did their kick-ass routine, and got a standing O. While they were both a little pissed about it (embarrassed is more like it), it was the one part of the reception people talked about for months & months. Hey, it's a lot better than: Hey, remember the guy who got so shit-faced at your reception that he vomited all over and passed out in the crapper!?)

10) "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond
(My parents used to be huge Neil fans. When I was younger, they went to lots and lots of his concerts. I remember them playing this song on the old record player at home. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.)

Top 10 songs that make me weep like a girl:

1) "Thank You" by Dido.
(This song was the song my husband and I danced to at our wedding. It wasn't supposed to be this song, but the stupid ass DJ forgot to bring the song we wanted to dance to - See #2. Nonetheless, I like the song, and I'm sending a "thank you" out to my husband. Although he knows nothing about my blog!)

2) "I Love You Just the Way You Are" by Billy Joel
(This song was playing in the background the first time Mr. Lo Lo told me he loved me. It was supposed to be our wedding song, but the stupid ass DJ phucked up and forgot to bring it - See #1. Oh, and the lame ass tried to "make it up to us" by playing the Barry White version. Incidentally, not the best remake....)

3) "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle
(Since my dad always used to give me butterfly kisses when I was a girl, we danced to this song at my wedding)

4) "My One True Friend" by Bette Midler
(I danced with my mom to this song at my wedding. I think it's a rip-off that mothers of the bride get slighted. So both of my parents walked me down the aisle - since they both raised me - and I danced with both of them at my reception)

5) "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womak
(This is the song we dedicated to our bridal party at our wedding. I just love the words. In fact, my hope for all of you readers is that YOU dance! Oh, and I think I'm done with the wedding references. Sorry...)

6) "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw
(Just a few days ago, I actually listened to the words. This song made me weep for about an hour!)

7) "A New Day" by Celine Dion
(My husband and I had many complications trying to have a baby, and then our son was born 3 months premature. He is just perfect now - in fact he'll be a year old next month! - but this song just reminds me how much he was wanted, how much he changed my life, and how much I love that little monkey!!)

8) "I Will Remember You" by Sarah Mc Lachlan
(This song, of all things, reminds me of my dog, Zach, who died. He was such a good dog with an awesome personality. And this song came out right when he passed. I love you little buddy, wherever you are!)

9) "Heaven" by Live
(I love the words to this song. When he references his daughter... well, that's how I feel about my baby. "I don't need no one... to tell me 'bout Heaven.... I look at my daughter, and I believe!")

10) "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFarren (Is that his name? Oh, who cares!)
THIS SONG SUCKS SO MUCH, IT PHYSICALLY PAINS ME AND MAKES ME CRY!

Anyway, that's a little insight into the complexity that is Lo Lo. What are your faves???

Pet Peeves and other Perturbances

So I'm on the courtesy shuttle bus this morning (as my loyal readers know, this is a major perturbance!) and I see that The Over-Reactor has really, really long fingernails. Now I don't know what it is about men and long fingernails that makes me gag, but I really get grossed out by it. Unless you are going through a sex change operation or you are an outted Drag Queen, CUT YOUR DAMN FINGERNAILS! It's just gross. Men should not have fingernails longer than women. Period.

Similarly, I am disgusted by really long toenails - on anyone. Hint: If they are long enough to click on the floor, they are too long.

Another pet peeve of mine is teenage boys who call me Ma'am (I'm only 32, damnit!) or older men (strangers) who call me Honey, Baby, or Sweetie. Makes my skin crawl. Unless they're like 85 and are sincerely using it as a term of endearment.

My biggest pet peeves are hair-related. I hate mullets, big hair (mushroom cloud bangs), permed mullets, feathered mullets, and mustaches. Unless you are Tom Selleck, you look like a gay porn star. So cut it off. Or grow it into a goattee or beard. Although I'm not a huge fan of beards, I'll take a beard over a mustache any day.

Well, there are many, many more peeves of mine, but I will stop here. I would like to invite you all to add your peeves, too. I know one of my friends in college hated it when men carried combs in their back pockets. Not a favorite thing of mine, either. But she was really, really, really bothered by it.

So, I showed you mine.... now you show me yours!

Target is my mistress

Oh, sweet Tar-jay. How I do love that store!

For my birthday, I racked up $210.00 worth of gift cards. AWESOME! Thank you to all of my friends for knowing me oh-so-well!

Now, for most people, this amount would cover several trips to Target. For Lo Lo, it was one trip.

For most people, they would not need to put in any of their own money. For Lo Lo, she spent an extra $100+

Yes, my friends, Target has lured me into her web, like a siren in the dark sea of night. I have written her a poem:

She called out to me, and I came running.
"I LOVE YOU" I screamed.
She did not reply.
My cart overflows in hopes of pleasing her.

Oh, unrequited love...
How you tease me.
But alas, I fall under you spell.
You bitch!

Yes, Lo Lo has a problem. And ironically, my only cure is more Target. I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more Target.
But don't fear the Reaper....

For John

In order to avoid more threats to my ovaries, I am blogging for John.

John, since you were mean, this is all you get.

Neener, neener, neener.

As for the rest of my Peeps, I'll be blogging in a few.

Peace OUT

Let's Lighten Up The Mood!

Okay, it's Friday - almost afternoon. I wanted to lighten things up a bit. Here's a joke my husband told me. He saw it in "Sports Illustrated." This is a brief version of it:

Two antennae get married. The wedding was okay, but the reception was great.

Insert rim shot here....

Here Comes Lo Lo, and She is Pissed!

This morning I'm getting ready for work and I have the news on in the background. I always turn it on to catch the weather. Living in Cleveland, it's always a crapshoot trying to decide how to dress for the day. One day it's snowing and 30 degrees, the next it's raining and 95 degrees, and the next is sunny and 70 degrees.

So I hear bits and pieces of a story about a fetus found in a dumpster. Apparently, they found the "mother" of the baby. She was at a hospital being treated. She claimed either the baby came early or she miscarried, she wasn't sure (!). Then the newscaster said: for some reason unreleased to us, the woman was discharged from the hospital and transferred to a local area prison. FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON? How about the fact that she threw her baby away like the trash? How about that for a reason!?!

Lo Lo is particularly angered by this story because my son arrived 3 months early, weighing in at only A POUND AND A HALF. That's right, 1-1/2 lbs. And he spent his first few months on earth in the hospital, fighting for his little life. Today he is healthy, happy, beautiful and thriving. But the point is, even after spending only 6 months in the womb, my baby made it. And hers could have too, if she only gave the poor little baby a fighting chance.

Not to mention the fact that there are so many people out there desperate to have children; just waiting to shower a baby with unconditional love. Then assholes like this get knocked up and discard their babies like garbage. And the thing that really clinched it for me: the bitch is 39. THIRTY-NINE! It's not like she was some scared 14-year-old who "didn't know better." She is a grown woman.

Anyway, my wish for this woman is that when she dies, someone throws her remains in the trash in order to pay her the same "respect" she paid her child. Let's see how she likes it. Stupid Beeyotch!

LO LO HAS SPOKEN!

"You're about as useful as a poopy-flavored lollypop"

Saw the movie "Dodge Ball" the other night and this line struck me as hillarious. I've used it quite a lot in the past few days. The guy on the phone at AT&T, yeah, he was about as useful as a poopy-flavored lollypop. The woman working at TJ Maxx, yeah, she was about as useful as a poopy-flavored lollypop. And I told her so! Okay, maybe not in real-life, but definitely in my imagination. So there!

Thank you Melanie!

A special Thank You to Mel for my surprise bday party here at work. The cake was "scrumtrilescent." The goodies were tasty, too. I appreciate my fabulous gifts and all the hard work you put into organizing the par-tay. Girl, YOU ROCK.

Kisses,
LoLo

Birthday Blues

So yesterday Lo Lo had a birthday. It was a sad day for Lo Lo. Jokingly, hubby said to our son, "Mommy turned 21 today." But it made me realize that I actually turned 21 ELEVEN years ago. And that I graduated from high school 14 years ago. And sadly, that I was born 32 years ago.

Remember when you were little and you stayed up late for weeks thinking about your birthday, all of your gifts, your party, etc? Remember when you were a teenager and you couldn't wait to go out and get hammered and party on your birthday?

And then one day you wake up, old, and your birthday isn't as much fun as it once was. Yesterday was a pretty anti-climactic day for the Lo Lo. I felt old and sort of in a rut. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I love my husband, my son, my friends, and my family. I'm so glad they all called to wish Lo Lo a happy bday. But it just made me feel depressed to turn 32. Imagine what a bundle of laughs I'll be when I hit 50.....