HELP!
When I was a girl, my mother was very ill with cancer. After she got better, she decided that the “poisonous” extended family we had was not healthy for her and we stopped calling them. My dad said that if they truly cared about us, THEY would call us. 20 years later, the phone still ain’t ringing.
When my mom was a kid, she and her brother were abandoned by their parents and after a battery of abusive foster homes; they came to live with an aunt and uncle and their children. My mom lived with her cousins and had a very sisterly bond with one in particular. But since she was still a part of the “poison,” and again made no effort to contact my mom after her cancer, their relationship fell into the huge family rift.
So, a few months ago, my mom was out and about and ran into this cousin from said- family. They got to talking and decided to exchange numbers. As it turns out, cousin is no longer speaking to her sisters, and barely speaks to her parents. She only does a weekly trip (to help clean the house, go shopping, etc.) out of a sense of familial obligation, since both parents are very ill and elderly. She made a promise to my mother that she would not tell any of “the poisons” that she was talking with my mom.
Now that my mom and her cousin talk every week or so and are becoming old friends, as if nothing had happened between them. My mom even met her children, who are now almost grown. And now, my mom’s cousin wants to “re-meet” me and meet my son.
I was 14 the last time I spoke with my mom’s cousin. I’m 34 now. So 20 years of my life have gone by. I’ve graduated high school, graduated college, gotten married, and had a child. And during the very hard times in my life and the very good times in my life, this person chose not to be a part of it all. But now she wants to come back in.
It’s not that I harbor any ill-will towards her, nor do I hate her as she seems to think. I just feel that I don’t have a place for her in my life. She is not someone that I really feel I would benefit from knowing. I can imagine her wanting to hang out all the time and become BFF like her and my mom. And I just don’t know if I am ready for that – or if I ever will be.
I keep putting it on the back-burner. I’m torn because aside from my mom and her brother (and his kids that I don’t really see), I don’t have any family. And it would be nice to have another family member be a part of my life. And what happened 20 years ago is history, right? I mean, she’s trying to make amends now. BUT… on the other hand, I’ve survived more than half of my life without her. And is there really a need to bring her back in and re-live a lot of old hurt? She didn’t do anything particularly nasty to me, but at the same time, she abandoned a young girl who really looked up to her.
My mother keeps calling me and bugging me about it. She prayed on it and feels like it was a sign from God that cousin needs to be back in her life and it is helping her heal. And cousin keeps bugging my mom that she wants to see me. And I just can’t decide. I keep telling my mom that I don’t feel like I need to heal. I closed that chapter of my life long ago, and came to terms with the fact that I’d never see those people again. But I don’t know, perhaps I do need to heal, too.
Or maybe I’m just being selfish – after all, if I invite her back into our lives, it would be another person to love the Boo Boo. And it never hurts to have people love you, right?
But what if, in a few years, she goes away again. Then I’ve just set my son up for disappointment and hurt. But maybe that won’t happen again because maybe she really has changed.
Or maybe a zebra never changes its stripes?!?!?!
When my mom was a kid, she and her brother were abandoned by their parents and after a battery of abusive foster homes; they came to live with an aunt and uncle and their children. My mom lived with her cousins and had a very sisterly bond with one in particular. But since she was still a part of the “poison,” and again made no effort to contact my mom after her cancer, their relationship fell into the huge family rift.
So, a few months ago, my mom was out and about and ran into this cousin from said- family. They got to talking and decided to exchange numbers. As it turns out, cousin is no longer speaking to her sisters, and barely speaks to her parents. She only does a weekly trip (to help clean the house, go shopping, etc.) out of a sense of familial obligation, since both parents are very ill and elderly. She made a promise to my mother that she would not tell any of “the poisons” that she was talking with my mom.
Now that my mom and her cousin talk every week or so and are becoming old friends, as if nothing had happened between them. My mom even met her children, who are now almost grown. And now, my mom’s cousin wants to “re-meet” me and meet my son.
I was 14 the last time I spoke with my mom’s cousin. I’m 34 now. So 20 years of my life have gone by. I’ve graduated high school, graduated college, gotten married, and had a child. And during the very hard times in my life and the very good times in my life, this person chose not to be a part of it all. But now she wants to come back in.
It’s not that I harbor any ill-will towards her, nor do I hate her as she seems to think. I just feel that I don’t have a place for her in my life. She is not someone that I really feel I would benefit from knowing. I can imagine her wanting to hang out all the time and become BFF like her and my mom. And I just don’t know if I am ready for that – or if I ever will be.
I keep putting it on the back-burner. I’m torn because aside from my mom and her brother (and his kids that I don’t really see), I don’t have any family. And it would be nice to have another family member be a part of my life. And what happened 20 years ago is history, right? I mean, she’s trying to make amends now. BUT… on the other hand, I’ve survived more than half of my life without her. And is there really a need to bring her back in and re-live a lot of old hurt? She didn’t do anything particularly nasty to me, but at the same time, she abandoned a young girl who really looked up to her.
My mother keeps calling me and bugging me about it. She prayed on it and feels like it was a sign from God that cousin needs to be back in her life and it is helping her heal. And cousin keeps bugging my mom that she wants to see me. And I just can’t decide. I keep telling my mom that I don’t feel like I need to heal. I closed that chapter of my life long ago, and came to terms with the fact that I’d never see those people again. But I don’t know, perhaps I do need to heal, too.
Or maybe I’m just being selfish – after all, if I invite her back into our lives, it would be another person to love the Boo Boo. And it never hurts to have people love you, right?
But what if, in a few years, she goes away again. Then I’ve just set my son up for disappointment and hurt. But maybe that won’t happen again because maybe she really has changed.
Or maybe a zebra never changes its stripes?!?!?!
posted by Lo Lo Lova @ 11:34 AM
5 Comments:
LoLo,
Welcome to my world. I have my mom and my brother that I don't see that often. It does hurt to not have a lot of family due to some stupid conflict! I guess you could try it, and if you feel weird about it, you can always say "It was nice to meet you again, take care". I wish you luck!
I'm with Nancy. There's a lot of room between avoiding all contact and sudden renewed intimacy.
Polite yet distant?
Nancy, Ubie -
I thank you for your comments and advice.
The hardest part of all of this is that it turns out that Cousin lives ONE STREET AWAY. So once I open those flood gates, I'm phucked. Because she's my neighbor.
I know a lot of zebras and most of them have never changed their stripes. Myself included, for I to am a Zebra.
and damn, that being your neighbor point is important.
If she does turn out to suck, you may have a hell of a time cutting ties.
Yeah. I didn't know that part.
Can you sell your house?
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