The Latest in the Shuttle Bus Driver Saga...

They hired a new bus driver. Tested him out for the first time today. I've dubbed him "Sudden-Stop Sammy." This is because the dude SLAMS on his breaks whenever the urge hits him. I think it's some sort of obsessive-compulsive disorder. We're driving along and just randomly - BLAMO! Everyone on the bus collectively lunged forward and then jolted back into their seats. My Mickey D's coffee went flying out of the cup. It's always fun to have steaming hot liquid pour all over your hand...

But the best part of my morning commute was the dude sitting across from me on the bus who kept checking out his "guns." He would lift up his sleeve, flex, and then rub each gun. I didn't know if it was intended to impress me or if he giving himself some foreplay. Either way, it was an uncomfortable situation. And since my seat was facing his, I really had nowhere else to look. I tried looking past him, but I couldn't help but be drawn back in to his masterbatory actions.

All in all, it was, as always, a very interesting way to start the morning. But this whole experience really makes me want to invest in one of those scooters that George Costanza had....

"Outta my way, Jerk-Ass!"

So this morning I'm in my car in the parking lot waiting for the "courtesy" shuttle. I pulled into the lot at 6:59am. I waited for 15 fricking minutes, and the effer never showed. So I started hoofing it. Of course, I am not wearing my running shoes (not that I own running shoes or even run... but that's beside the point). Of course, I'm wearing a new pair of heels (and ladies, they are cute!). So now I have to high-tailing it a mile to get to work on time. Blisters begin forming on the soles of my feet. But I can't slow down. Gotta get to the time clock before 7:30!! So I'm trying to haul ass, but all of these people are in my way. Walking so slow that they are, in fact, going backwards in time! What I want to do is knock them all over. But I don't. I try to get around them, but they are walking 4 across and won't budge. I go to the left. FAKE OUT! I go to the right. Snoped again. I finally get around them and get to the time clock. And now, thanks to the bus, I am late for work. I got here 31 minutes early, but now I'm late. And I'm sweaty from running to get in here. And my feet are killing me because of these huge-ass blisters. So thanks a lot, "courtesy" shuttle. I find you neither courteous nor helpful. You ruined my life! Okay, maybe I'm being a little overdramatic. Courtesy shuttle, you ruined the best years of my life!! There. Much better.

A poem by my Dad

For your reading pleasure: A poem written by my Dad years ago:

"When I was young and full of hope
I used to wash my face with soap
Now that I'm older and lost all hope
I don't even wash, let alone use soap"

Luckily, this is not a scratch-n-sniff....

Deep Thoughts

So I was on the pot, deep in thought and other bodily functions, and I compiled a list of things that scare me. (Mel, "plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery," right?) Anyway, here's the list:

1) DEATH

2) TARANTULAS AND SNAKES (because they might bite me and therefore cause my death)

3) HEIGHTS (because I could hurl towards the ground and subsequently meet my death)

4) FLYING (because the plane could crash, and I could plummet to the earth, thereby causing death)

5) SMALL SPACES (because I could use up all of the air, stop breathing, and then be introduced to death)

6) LARGE CROWDS (because I could be trampled to death)

7) DROWNING (because I'm pretty sure this would bring about death)

8) DARKNESS (because someone could break into my house if I was at home or jump me if I was outside and then beat me, shoot me, strangle me, or kick me to death)

9) BEING COVERED IN RAW SEWAGE (because the sheer disgusting nature of this makes me want to choose death as an alternative)

10) THE CIRCUS

So, I'm not sure what all of these things have to do with each other, but those are my irrational fears. How about you?

The Greatest Love Story of Our Time

Today is the day. The big wedding! Mary Kay Letourneau, fresh out of prison, and her former 14 year-old rape victim, Vili Fualaau, are finally tying the knot after 7+ long years. It just makes your heart melt. And proves that true love is just so hard to find. So hard, in fact, that you have to look for it in your 7th grade class.

But now, he's got his GED and his unemployment checks and is finally legally able to drink alcohol; she's got her looks (at least for a few more years) and her "Entertainment Tonight" interview checks; and together they are living the American Dream. They are going to finally making it official today. And now everyone will know that they really are soul mates. That they really were meant to find each other. Fairy tales do come true, and they will now be living their happily-ever-after. And let me tell you, if that one-bedroom shack they are renting on the beach is a-rockin, don't come a-knockin!!!

Wow, the cockles of my heart are so warmed right now. I have to go... I'm getting all misty.

PS: If you would like to buy them a gift, I hear they are registered at Walmart and pedofiles.com.

A travesty, an absolute travesty!

Just heard the news that "Judging Amy" has been given the axe, and I am pissed. This show was a verbal masterpiece. The dialogue was so beautifully written. It was funny, deep, timely, poignant, entertaining, and dare I say delicious! It will be greatly missed by me. Apparently, the problem is that I was the only person who ever actually watched the show, and this is why it was cancelled. Nonetheless, it is a travesty! A TRAVESTY!

Come Here Often?

I thought I would compile a list of the 10 best WORST pick-lines ever used on me. But before I get started, I have to tell you about the one pick up line that earned me a nickname I still proudly wear to this day like a badge of honor. Here goes:

Back when I was in college, I had a friend with a daddy complex. She only dated older men. Men old enough to be her daddy. Actually, I should butt in right here and say that I use the term "date" loosely. Okay, so she's screwing this stock broker who was probably in his early 40's. (We were 19). He was decent looking, but what the hell is wrong with a 40 year old man that he is with a 19 year old? Anyway, she says she wants to meet up with him in the the Flats (a has-been cool place to go in downtown Cleveland). Apparently, he has a younger brother that would like to meet me.

Begrudgingly, I agree to go. We are outside of a bar waiting for them to show up. We cannot go in because we are not 21 (legal drinking age). I'm getting really pissed because they have kept us waiting for over an hour. Finally, they show up. Old baldy and his greazy, swarthy, "younger" brother. Immediately my friend runs over to the old guy and starts making out with and dry-humping him right there on the sidewalk.

I'm left to stand there with the other one. He looks right at me and says, "You must be mine." Being the young, innocent, and naive college student that I was, I told him to go phuck himself. To which he replies, "Oh, you're Sassy. I like that in a woman." At this point, I hailed a cab and went home. But, to this day, all of my friends from college still call me "Sassy."

Now, on to the top 10 list. Here are the best WORST pick-up lines that have ever been used on yours truly:

10. Your Daddy must have been a theif because he stole the stars from the heavens and put them in your eyes.

9. (Pulling at the tag on the back of my shirt) Just as I thought. It says, "made in heaven."

8. Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.

7. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

6. So, do you come here a lot?

5. Let's phuck.

4. My mama always told me when I met the girl of my dreams I'd turn to stone. Just looking at you, I'm getting hard.

3. How about I take you home and buy you a prune danish for breakfast?

2. You're pretty (...pause for me to say thank you). Now you're supposed to tell me I'm pretty too!

And the number one best WORST pick-up line:

I would like to make you spaghetti, listen to some Neil Diamond, and meet your father!

So, that's my top ten list. Please feel free to add to this list. I would love to hear some that have been used on you, or that you used.

DISCLAIMER: Do not use these pick-up lines. Most of them are tired. The top 3 are at least original, but mostly they all suck. Only one of these actually worked. Out of sheer embarrassement, I refuse to say which one it was....

BP Boycott

This morning on my way into work, I realized that I had about 1/116th of a tank of gas left. I was going to stop at the local Mom-n-Pop station to get gas, but apparently they don't open at 6am (BAD IDEA!). This means I was forced to go to the BP. No way I could make it onto the freeway and to another exit to get gas. I was driving on fumes.

Those of you who know me know that I HATE BP. Those of you who don't know me, let me tell you why: Last summer, I was at the BP station by my house. I was putting my credit card in the little reader in the pump. It would say, "One moment" and after more than one moment, it would say, "No card read," whatever that means. So I tried putting the card in a different way - upside down, backwards, sideways, etc. Even tried another credit card or two. But kept getting the "one moment" and then the denial.

Keep in mind, there are no signs up anywhere stating that the machines are down, and no voice over the loud speaker telling me that my efforts were in vain.

So, I decided I had to go into the little BP mart and pay inside. I walk in, and there are about 50 people in line. It's hot as balls in there, and the a/c is off. The doors were open, and there was a colony of bees flying around inside (Mel, you will be happy to know I am TERRIFIED of bees). Now, I've waiting in line for a while, and I didn't want to leave... on principle.

Up at the front of the line, there are 3 people working... on one cash register. Do you think they could open up a second and/or third register? Oh noooooooo! So, I finally get up to the register, and I said I wanted to get a fill-up on pump number whatever and hand him my credit card. The pimple-faced kid working there says, "Um, our credit card machines are down. You can go fill up and then come back in and pay cash when you are done." Now I'm steaming. So I said, "you mean to tell me I have to come back in here and stand in this line again? And there are no signs up saying your credit card machines are down?" And he goes, "Yeah."

Yeah?? Yeah?!!! I was so pissed off! So I looked this kid right in the face and I screamed, "PHUCK THAT!!!" And I stomped out of there. I then proceeded to burn rubber on my way out of the parking lot. Very mature, I know.

After that, I was really pissed off at BP and totally embarrassed by my actions. I vowed to never go there again. Until today.... when I had no other choice.

So I pull into BP and remembered the OTHER reason why I hate that effing place - they have the slowest pumps known to man. I am not kidding you. It took me FOURTEEN MINUTES to fill my tank. And it's only a Nissan Altima. Not that big of a tank. I put in $23.32 worth of gas. (I believe it was about 4 gallons).

The calculating ticker went a little something like this:
.01...............................................................................
.02...............................................................................
.03...............................................................................
You get the idea. I could have gone to the Middle East, gotten gas there, and come back in the time it took to fill my tank this morning at BP.

So, once again I am boycotting BP. And this time FOREVER. On my way into work (where I arrived late - thanks BP effers!!), I came up with several ideas as to what BP stands for. Here are some of them:

Broken Promises
Bumbling Putzes
Barf Pirates
Booby Prize
Butt Phuckers
Bitch Phuckers
Bastard Phuckers

Please feel free to add to my list. I would love to get some of your insights!! And I would really enjoy hearing from fellow haters.

Happy Friday the 13th. Lo Lo... OUT

Does anyone care that Corey Clark slept with Paula Abdul?

1) He is so nasty, he is worse that Kevin Federline

2) Why did he wait 2 years to tell-all, when his new "album" and new "book" are both out?

3) What kind of sleezeball holds on to that stuff for 2 years?

4) We all know Paula is on drugs - maybe that explains it?

5) I really doubt Paula's reputation will suffer
a) she was involved in a freaking HIT & RUN accident, and no
one seemed to care
b) she was married to Emilio Esteves, and no one seemed to care
c) she sang some of the worst songs ever made, and no one seemed to care

6) Ergo: Corey, even if you really did bang her, NO ONE CARES!

"Sleeping like a baby" is false advertising!

So my son is now afraid to sleep in his crib. Don't know why. Just started freaking out every time we put him in it. Talked to the pediatrician, he said to just let him cry. That sadistic bastard.

Sunday night my son cried for 2 HOURS & 10 MINUTES. I know this, because I spent the entire time crying myself and praying that he would stop. Monday it got a little better. He only cried for 50 minutes. But then he got up at the crack of dark.

Last night, my son decided to wake up at 11:30pm and cry for an hour, then he cried from 1:30 to 2:15am, and he got up at 2:30 and screamed bloody murder for another hour or so. It was my husband's turn to check on him, because according to the doc, "You can check to make sure the baby is okay, but you cannot pick him up." Obviously, this guy does not have kids....

The worst part of it all is that every time I go into the room to check on my son, he gets so upset and so excited that he vomits. It's so fun giving a baby a bath at 2am... So, now when I go to check on him, I have to sneak in so that he doesn't see me. It's TORTURE. I just want to pick him up, damnit! But the doctor assures us that he will grow out of this stage. WHATEVER!!!!!

Anyway, the baby went back to sleep last night around 2:15 and then woke up at 4:30am. I have to get up at 5, so that made for a really wonderful night of sleep. I feel so refreshed and fabulous today. Too bad Mel found me face down in my keyboard seven different times today....

Splendor in the Grass

I can't believe I forgot to mention this earlier...

On Sunday, my husband was going to cut the grass but I offered to do it instead. It was a nice day, and I wanted to get some sunshine and some exercise. Not to mention the fact that the baby was crabby, and I needed some "me time."

After an hour, I was really regretting my offer. We live on a large corner lot on a main road. The side of our house faces the main road, and I really hate having to cut the grass here because there are no curbs, and I am dangerously close to the traffic wizzing by at 40mph.

Now, living on said corner lot, we get all kinds of garbage in our yard. It comes from people walking, biking, and driving by. We have had our fair share of weird things. But on Sunday, I found the weirdest.

Okay, enough build-up: I found a used condom on our front lawn. And I certainly didn't want to touch it. Can you say "biohazard"? It was freakin gross. So, I tried to run it over with the mower. I'll give it props, though, because that thing was indestructable.

I guess I should be relieved in this day and age that someone was smart enough to be practicing safe sex. But, do they have to be doing it on my front lawn? My baby's bedroom window is right by that side of the house. What if he is scarred for life?

So, to the kids who were effing on my lawn: I'm all for living dangerously, but next time can you please go to the neighbor's house? There is a weird middle-aged dude who lives there with his parents, and I'm sure he'd appreciate the show way more than we would. Thanks!

Lactose Intolerance? Just say no!

So I believe that I am lactose intolerant, which is a bitch because I loves me some dairy!

Last night I had extra cheese pizza for dinner. This morning, I had such horrific gas that dogs in the neighborhood were helping, my baby woke up crying, and my husband vomited in his sleep.

Of course, I get to work and could not get into the building fast enough. I go to the single room potty, and barely get started when there is a knock at the door. WTF? It never fails.

Now, I do not want to say "just a minute" because 1) someone might recognize my voice and then hear the bomb that will soon follow and 2) it will be way more than a minute!

Finally, that person moves along to the bathroom right next door. Phew!

Now, I'm about midway through, and low and behold... another knock. WTF?? Can't someone just go in peace?? I think I would like to take a big sign with me to hang on the door. It will read, "Don't even think about knocking. Dump in progress!"
Anyone know where I can get a sign like this made?

Well, the good news is that I took so long that the second knocker was able to use the other bathroom as well. And thank goodness they weren't waiting outside the door for me. As my good friend Mel can attest, this is one of the horrors that face us in the work place. And while I'd like to blame it on the fictitious guy before me (ala John), I was in there for quite a while and I'm not sure how I could explain that! Any suggestions???