Something else I'm missing

Today my husband is taking my son to the zoo for the first time. And I'm going to miss it :( His friend, who has free passes, is taking his son, and all 4 boys are meeting up there. I'm so disappointed that I won't be there to experience the first time my son sees animals and watch his reaction. Don't get me wrong, I think it's wonderful that my husband is so involved. I'm glad that he and his buddy will be hanging out and that my son is able to interact with other children. I just wish I could be there. That's all I'm saying...

I'm going to find the inventor of pantyhose and KICK HIS ASS

So I bought a $6.00 pair of pantyhose and I've had them on for less than 12 hours, and they just ran. I am so sick and tired of pantyhose!! They are so expensive to purchase, but so cheaply made. I cannot find pantyhose that do not run after 1 or 2 wears. And they always run in different places, so I know it's not just me. Sometimes it's at the toe, sometimes on the knee, sometimes in the "crotchal" area, and sometimes in other places. I'm sick of it. I spend so much money on these freaking things and they always end up letting me down!

Sometimes I see adds in catalogs for pantyhose that are "guaranteed not to run" but they're like $50.00. Is it worth it to spend that kind of money in order to gain piece of mind? Today I wasn't even doing anything. I was just phucking sitting at my desk and I could feel the little bastard running down my leg. DAMNIT! Mitch Pantyhose, I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!!!!

I did it!

You will all be happy to know that Lo Lo and the Melanator went out on Friday night. Mel graciously agreed to drive so that Lo Lo could get ripped.

Although the night started out a little rocky (ie: the party being outside on the patio and it was 90 freakin degrees and thinking we got Z lost) and ended a little shaky (getting lost and perhaps witnessing a robbery??), we ended up having lots of fun.

Lo Lo had THREE beers. And boy was I ever ripped. But it felt so good. I cannot remember the last time I was tipsy. It's been years. YEARS, PEOPLE.

I'm pretty sure I embarrassed Mel randomly throughout the night. Hopefully she got a kick out of seeing my tightass self unwind a little. I rarely let loose like that.

Mel, thanks for a great evening. It's so rare that I'm out with friends and not wishing that I was at home spending time with the fam. But for the first time in about 5 years, I didn't even think about going home. I only had to check my watch because I had to get home in time to relieve my husband, who had to go to work.

All in all, I'm pretty proud of myself for (a) having more than one beer (b) not passing out and (c) making out with Mel.

Yes, it was the perfect evening. The only thing missing was a good fight. But that will come in due time, my friends. In due time...

Remember When...

Remember when you just turned 16 and couldn't wait to drive anywhere and everywhere? For hours and hours? And you could put $5 of gas in your car and be set for the whole night?

This morning I cursed my car, the traffic, and the fact that I have to drive at all.

Remember when you could go out all night every night of the week and party like there was no tomorrow? And you didn't care if you missed class or had to called off your crappy part-time job?

Last night I couldn't wait to get home and go to bed.

Remember when you used to complain because you'd get home from school at 3:00 and had to do an hour of homework?

Now I just try to make it out of work before dark.

Remember when you were mad because you had to spend a few hours doing homework over the weekend?

Now I try to cram in housework, yard work, laundry, grocery shopping, and quality time with my husband and son - all in a very short 48 hours.

Remember when you would spend hours and hours on the phone with friends, talking about anything and everything, and your parents would yell at you to get off the damn phone?

Now I pray that the phone doesn't ring at night because I spend all day on the phone at work, and it's the last thing I want to do at home.

Remember when all you could wish for was getting out of school and moving out of your parents' house so that you could be an adult and do whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted?

Now I long for the care-free days of youth, where I had minimal responsibilities, free room and board, a home-cooked meal every night, and all the money I had was spent on whatever the hell I wanted buy.

So my big question is this: What the hell happened to my youth? I woke up one morning and I was old. A responsible adult with all of these responsibilities. What happened to that fun girl who was always the life of the party? Why does she now long for the nights where she can go to bed early? Why does she dream of the days where she can just sit around in her pajamas and not have to do a damn thing except watch movies or take naps? How did this happen to me?? It's like I went from 16 to 60 in one fell swoop.

I'm very sorry. Today Lo Lo is just feeling a bit nostalgic. But don't get me wrong - I love my life! I love my hubby and my son! I know I've strived all along to get to this point in my life. I guess today, I'm just feeling a little blue thinking about what used to be.

On a happier note, tonight Mel and I are going out for the first time in a very long time, and I'm planning on getting wasted, getting into a fight, getting kicked out of the bar, and making out with someone. Just for old time sake. I can't wait to come home, $60 dollars poorer, with a massive headache, and no recollection of what I did over the course of the evening.

Fasten your seatbelt, Melanie. It's going to be a bumpy evening. YEAH BABY!

Okay, who am I kidding? I'll have half a Bud Light, get all giddy, and fall asleep at the table.

Good times, my friends. Good times....

If one more person tries to open the door while I'm in the bathroom...

.... I'm gonna punch them in their asshole!

Get Your Hands Off My Baby!

So now that the little one is finally allowed to go out, we have been trying to take him out a few times a week. We don't want to overdo it.

Yesterday, we went on a tour of the Lake County YMCA Dream House. It's $12 a ticket, and you get entered into a drawing to win a $450K house. We decided to go together as a family.

We were having a great time and just about to leave when this little old lady walks up to us and asks how old the baby is. We tell her he just turned a year. "Oh bless his heart" she coos. And then she jolts forward and grabs his face with her hands.

Now, I don't know where her hands have been. They could be filthy. You just don't know. What if she went to the bathroom and didn't wash her hands? What if she just shook hands with someone who was filthy?

You know, we took all of these precautions for over a year to protect our little preemie, and this old coot could have undone it all in one fell swoop.

I wish I could hand a sign around my son's neck that says "Do not TOUCH the baby!"

I really don't know where people get off touching strangers' kids. I would never touch someone else's baby if I didn't know them. EVER. Even before all of this happened with our son. And now, even with friends' kids, I always wash my hands (or Purell) before doing so. There are so many germs on our hands. And when you touch a baby, they immediately put everything in their mouths, so they are basically eating your germs.

I guess I'm over-reacting a little bit. I know the lady meant no harm by it. She was just wanting to be sweet, I'm sure. But it's just really awkward. I certainly couldn't bust out the wipes and wash his face in front of her. I'm sure she would have been totally offended.

But all I'm saying is: Keep your hands to yourself. If I don't invite you to touch my child, DON'T. Is that so wrong??

Rite Aide, Part Deux

Well, I did it. I walked over to Rite Aid on my lunch break. My son had a diaper rash and I called the doctor today and was given a laundry list of things to pick up. I decided to get all of it and return the lipsticks while I was there.

I managed to find 3 of the 4 things I needed. The last product was no where to be found - I scoured the baby section and the medicine section twice. The pediatrician's office said it was over-the-counter stuff, so I thought I'd head to the pharmacy to see if they could point me in the right direction.

I get over there and wait for the woman behind the counter to finish reading her magazine. I get a "help you?" I asked her if she knew where the LOTRAMIN was. I told her I looked all over for it (baby aisle, med aisle, etc). She asked me how to spell it. I told her I wasn't exactly sure, I just had it written down phonetically.

So mid conversation, this big dude walks over and stands right next to me and, after pulling down his sunglasses to the bridge of his nose, says, "How you doin?" RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SENTENCE. I just looked up and smiled and said "fine, thanks" and continued on with my conversation.

In hindsight, I'm pretty sure it was Heavy-D. I should have asked for his autograph! Damnit!

Anyway, the woman comes out from behind the counter and proceeds to lead me on a wild goose chase. Mind you, she has a gimp leg, so it was a slow chase, but a chase nonetheless. I wanted to say, "Walk this way" ala I-Gor from "Young Frankenstein." But I behaved.

So we get to the lotion aisle and she picks up a bottle of LUBRIDERM and hands it to me. I told her that I didn't need hand lotion, I needed something for diaper rash. She tried handing it to me again, so I showed her the paper. "No, LOTRIMEN. For diaper rash." I get an "Oh."

So we saunter on over to the baby aisle. "I don't see it," she says. She's looking up and down the aisle, and I'm following her like a jackass. Then, she says, "excuse me." I thought I was in her way. I moved back. She proceeded to walk down the aisle and disappear. Do I follow her? Are we looking down another aisle? Is she coming back? I'm so lonely...

After a few minutes, I realize she's not coming back. So... I head back to the pharmacy. I'm waiting in line to be helped, and out of the corner of my eye, I see Gimpy heading back to the pharmacy. Oh crap! I'm praying that one of the other 10 people back there ask to help me before Gimpy gets back. Just in the nick of time, an actual pharmasist asks if she can assist me. In two seconds she tells me it's in the first aid aisle - Aisle 9 - on the right. Sure enough, there it was. Turns out it's for jock itch. Weird. But it's definitely the right product. Finally, I head up to check-out.

Once again, I could not get out of that place fast enough. I high-tailed it back here to my desk, where Mel awaited to hear the drama. Because she knows that wherever I, drama finds me.

I would like to give you all my solemn vow that I won't set foot in that place again... unless there is an absolute emergency. And even then, I might have to weigh my options!

Why Me?

So last night I decided to run into the drug store across the street from work to pick up a few things. It's not in the best area, so I just wanted to get in and get out without incident. Yeah, right...

I walk in the store and I'm there all of 3.2 seconds, when this filthy man in a wheel chair with a pic line still taped to his arm, rolls up to me and says, "Excuse me, do you know where they keep the air fresheners?" What The Phuck???!

I told him that I was sorry, but I don't really know where anything is because I don't normally shop there. He just sat there, looking up at me. I wanted to say, "Actually, why don't you forgo the air freshener all together and head directly to the soap aisle? Cuz, dude, you smell like ass!" But I didn't. I just smiled and wished him luck and finished my shopping.

I got up to the register and this creepy middle-aged dude with a big furry mustache was ringing me out. He was making idle chit chat, which I just pleasantly nodded along with. I pull out my credit card, he asks credit or debit, and then I slide it through the little machine on my side of the counter. My name pops up on the screen, and nothing else happens.

"Do I need to do anything?" I ask, innocently. "No, no. You just sit back and relax, and I'll take care of everything" he cooed. Just then, I got the shivers and threw up a little in my mouth. I could not get out of there fast enough!

The worst part about it all is that when I got home, I realized that I got ripped off. The "Buy One Get One Free" lipstick rang up regular price. I wasn't paying attention at the store, due to the weirdness that surrounded me. So now I have to go back there and return my lipsticks. And, as you can probably imagine, I am so very eager to get back there....

I don't know what it is about me, but any freak, weirdo, psycho, oddball kook within about a 30 mile radius, is somehow drawn to me. Stuff like this happens to me all the time. At my old job, I traveled all the time. We would go out to bars in a group, and the weirdest, creepiest freaks would always single me out and approach. Homeless men would hit on me, men who didn't speak English, old dudes, drunken fools, and the list goes on and on. I have so many stories I could tell you, but you'll have to wait and read the book.

Anywho, Mel suggested I go back there today on my lunch break, so as to avoid another incident. I will keep you posted on what happens THIS time around. Wish me luck :)

What has 8 legs, a furry body, and fangs?

....This ENORMOUS tarantula-like spider that was in my bathroom last night. This this was so big, it's body was about the size of a half-dollar. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING!

Okay, so I went into the bathroom last night to brush my teeth, and something caught my eye in the mirror. This frickin thing was on the wall behind me.

The baby was sleeping and so was my husband. It took everything I had not to scream my head off. I dropped the toothbrush and toothpaste and hauled ass outta there. I had to wake up hubby and have him kill the tarantula. I do not kill big bugs. Little ones, yes. But not tarantulas.

Hubby grabs a kleenex and I told him he might want something a little stronger. So he grabbed two. I was thinking a gun would work better, but we don't have one in the house...

My husband went in and shut the door. He took care of business. I don't know what he eventually killed it with, but I did hear a flush. Maybe a paper towel? I don't think 2 kleenex would have done the job. Regardless, I'm sure that sucker didn't die without a fight.

Afterwards, I was in bed and the sheet touched my hand and I jumped about a foot. Hubby started yelling at me, "you're freaking me out!" I couldn't help it. I totallly had the shivers and could not fall asleep, thinking Tarry Tarantula came with friends or layed eggs or something.

Needless to say, it was a rough night and LoLo did not get a lot of sleep. I am TERRIFIED of spiders - giant spiders - that can bite. They are so gross. I'm also freaked out about wasps/bees/hornets and snakes. Basically, anything that can bite and/or sting which could potentially kill me or someone in my family.

My uncle was once bitten by a brown recluse spider and almost lost a body part. And I'm so allergic to everything, I'm sure one bite would be the end for me.

Anywho, this morning I'm in the car driving to work and I thought I saw a spider. I freaked out so bad that I spilled my coffee all over my cream blouse. In other words, I'm a little jittery and I'm not having such a good day. I called hubby and made him promise to call Terminex today and have them make a STAT trip to the house.

Man, I never thought I would hate living by the lake. But they sure do grow some big ass mothers out there!! [insert whole-body shiver here]