Embarrassing Moments in the Life of LoLo

So I was in my office doing some thinking. And by "office" I mean "bathroom" and by "thinking" I mean "pooping." Anywho, I was reminded of something that happened to me a few years ago, which was very embarrassing, and it caused a whole shload of embarrassing memories to come rushing back. So here are some embarrassing moments for you to enjoy at my expense:

When I was working several years ago at a college, we had recently received some bomb threats during finals week. So the college was cracking down on fire drills. Everyone had to evacuate the building within a certain amount of time and we were being monitored. So this one day, I was having some anal issues, and I had to use the restroom. I went down the hall to one of the more private bathrooms, where I wouldn't be disturbed. The moment I sat down, wouldn't you know it - the fire alarm goes off. I could not stop what I was doing. It was physically impossible. So I had to wait it out in the crapper. After the building was secured and everyone came back in, I made my way back to my desk. My boss comes over and starts asking my why I didn't participate in the fire drill and starts telling me that I could be punished for not complying with company policy. I then had to explain to him that I was unable to evacuate the building due to an explosive case of diarrhea.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I was running down the stairs to get to my class. My ankle twisted and I fell down the last few steps and landed on the level where the teachers’ offices were. The bell had already rung, and the place was vacant. I was unable to get up because my ankle hurt so much, so I laid there for a while until someone happened by to use the bathroom. She went to get help and the nurse came to check me out. I couldn’t walk all the way to the nurse’s office, so she needed to get some sort of aid to get me there. She came back with a dolly; you know, the thing you load boxes onto and wheel around. And I had to hold onto the sides of the dolly, stand on the small platform, and be wheeled from one end of the building to the other, by this little 4’10”, 95 lb. woman, who complained the whole time about how heavy I was.

When I was a senior in high school, I was running to a class I was late for. As I ran up the steps, I tripped and fell. I plummeted downward, bumping down each step, till I hit the bottom landing with a boom. Trailing behind me, softly floating downward, were the contents of my Trapper Keeper, which hit the floor and scattered everywhere. A lowly freshman saw the whole thing and helped me get up and reclaim the contents of my Trapper. After I was regrouped, he looked at me and said, “You know, you really should be more careful.” Yeah, thanks for the advice.

When I was a freshman in college, I was on my way down to the cafeteria. It was winter time and very slushy. The steps were very wet. I’m sure you know where I’m going with this one. I slipped on some slush and fell down the stairs. But the best part of all, was that the entire football team, fresh from practice, was in front of me. I slid into them and just about knocked them all down. Too bad I only got a spare. A perfect strike would have been nice.

When I first started dating my husband, I was over at his condo. He had to work 3rd shift, and we were leaving together. I walked out the back door and went to grab the railing to hold on to as I went down the 3 back steps. Only there was no railing, and I fell out of his condo into a huge patch of dirt and rocks. My jeans caught on the bottom of the screen door and ripped from mid-knee all the way up my ass. I was so humiliated! The sweet man that he is, he offered to call off work to stay with me because I hit my head pretty hard when I landed and he thought I might have a concussion. I ended up being okay, wounding my pride more than anything else.

When I was working at one of my old jobs, there was this really hot guy who was walking around the store. My friend and I spotted him and were fighting over who was going to marry him. We were standing there talking about him saying things like, “Funny, he didn’t mention YOUR NAME when we were out last night” and how hot he looked in his blue shirt and tan pants, with his soft brown hair and piercing blue eyes, etc etc. After about 5 minutes of discussing him in very specific detail, my friend had this really awful look on her face. “He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?” I said with a gulp. Yeppers. There he was.

When I was working at my current job, my boss was in his office asking if I could help him locate some important documents. We were lifting up all sorts of things, looking for these papers. On his desk was a salad and a small container of walnuts. I saw that the documents he was searching for was underneath the lunch he was eating. I was so excited to have found them that I squealed with pride, “Here they are, UNDER YOUR NUTS!”

And finally, THEE MOST EMBARRASSING THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME:

When I was at work one day, I was on the phone with a new coworker who was asking me a bunch of questions. I got a call on the other line and this customer had lots and lots and lots of concerns, questions, and whatnot. After about 5 minutes, I asked the man if he could hold. I wanted to tell my friend on the other line that I had to call her back. I put him on hold and clicked over to the other line. “I’m sorry. I gotta go. This guy is talking my ear off.” To which HE replied, “Uhhh, still me.”

More things that piss me off

1) People who leave their children with creepy-ass mo-fo's like this guy: http://www.newsnet5.com/news/5031214/detail.html (sorry, don't know how to link) and don't realize he's a freaking wacko. Then, their children get raped and/or murdered. The dude was a "self-professed pagan friar" who ran a school from his apartment. You don't find that odd?

2) People who abuse their children, their significant others/spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends, or their pets. Whether the abuse be physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, or otherwise. Anyone who does this sort of thing - who preys on someone weaker than themselves - they are a worthless sorry-ass excuses for human beings. To all of those abusers out there: You're the load your mother should have swallowed!

3) People who use guilt as a way to hurt others or to make them feel constantly guilty. And the funny thing is, most of the people who do this (at least to me) are Christians/Catholics. Isn't that ironic? I mean, I'm sure back in the day that's the tactic Jesus employed. "Oh, Thomas, you doubt me? I died on the cross for you, Man! Why don't you just stab me in the heart already? Fine. No, really, it's fine. I'll be okay. I just believed in you your whole life and gave up a bunch of stuff for you. But, you know, whatever. It's cool."

4) People who are ignorant. You know, it's too bad closed minds don't come with closed mouths. I'm so sick and tired of people making ignorant, stupid, or racist comments. Enough already! We get it, you're an ignorant asshole. Here's an idea: How about picking up a book, reading the paper, or watching the news? Maybe you could learn something before you open your freaking pie hole and offend yet another person. LEARN SOMETHING... like the blissful peace of silence.

5) People who live by the philosophy "the squeaky wheel gets the oil." You know this jerk. They're the one who complains at restaurants, stores, or in your office. And they complain so much that you - the person who has patiently been waiting their turn - gets phucked because this SOB gets taken care of first. People just want to shut them up so much that everyone else gets the shaft. And then this phucker gets free stuff, the best service, their ass kissed, a raise, etc, while you sit idly by. Why not just bend over? Cuz this asshole is gonna screw you!

6) People who are rude. Why is it so hard to say "please" or "thank you"? I don't get it. It's common courtesy. Don't be a dick. If someone offers you assistance, does something nice, etc, say thanks. And if you need something, say please first. For crying out loud, my 14 month old is learning these basic fundamentals. Why can't adults?

7) People who don't bathe on a regular basis and who don't clean their clothes. You know who you are. The people who smell like dirty hair, ass, and B.O. The people who have messy hair and dirty faces. The people who have the same stains in the same spots on the same nasty clothes. We know you don't clean them. Stop saying you took them to the Dry Cleaner. YOU LIE! Take a freaking shower. At least every other day. And do a freakin load of laundry once in a while!! GOD!

8) People who put others down in an attempt to make themselves feel better. You know this jerk-off. They wear better clothes, drive a fancier car, have a more expensive house, and think they're better than you. So they have to poo-poo your house, your car, your un-designer clothes, etc. They look down their noses at you. And for what reason? Because you were born with money or married into it? How about sharing that wealth - giving a little back? You know, making a donation once in a while. Helping the less-fortunate instead of making fun of them. You people make me sick!

9) People who are hypocrites. For instance, the people who are anti-abortion but then MURDER a doctor who performs them. Uh, hello? You don't see this as wrong??? Or how about the people who make comments about the unwed girl who got pregnant - and yet they're having "pre-marital" sex, too, but just didn't happen to get "knocked-up." Or the people who pick on fat people, but have never exercised a day in their life or never watched what they eat. They've just been "blessed" with a fast metabolism, and I haven't. And then there's the people who say they're Christian and then persecute homosexuals. Yes, I'm pretty sure that's what Jesus meant when he said "Love your neighbor as yourself." It loosely translates to - you can love anyone who is white, Catholic, middle-class, and straight. But to hell with everyone else! Ah yes, the Golden Rule...

And finally, the last thing that pisses me off:

10) George Bush!!

And So You're Back... From Outer Space... I Just Walk In To Find You Here With That Sad Look Upon Your Face...

Well, I'm not sure what the problem was, but my blogger was effed up! I'm guessing it was because of my last post. I got way too sentimental, and Blogger wanted to put a stop to it! So I'm done being all mushy. I apologize for my lapse in judgement. It won't happen again.

So today I almost bit it coming into work. Some bitch in her big-ass SUV hauled ass up along the right side of the Courtesy Shuttle Bus just as I was getting off. She came within about 3 inches of hitting me. And when I looked up at her, she wasn't even looking at me. She was looking to her right, where the doors were. Thank God the Bus Driver pulled up PAST the doors, or else I would have definitely been airborne this morning. And not in a good way.

Yes, that's always a good way to start the day. Get that adrenaline pumping, soil myself, and thank God I'm still alive and all. Yep. A great way to start the day.... Good times. Good times....

Happy Autumn!

So today is the first official full-day of Fall. Autumn is my absolute favorite time of year! I love the smells in the air: the crispness, the changing colors of the leaves, and the fact that I get to pull my sweaters out of storage. My fall/winter wardrobe is so much cuter and cozier than my spring/summer wardrobe. Plus, Fall means that Winter is just around the corner. And although I don't love getting hammered with endless snow storms, I do love the first snowfall, snowball fights, snow angels, crackling fires, and the holidays. This, in turn, means that my favorite day of the whole year is just around the corner: CHRISTMAS. I love Christmas shopping, Christmas decorating, and the Christmas spirit.

My only wish is that people feel the true spirit of Christmas for more that just a few days a year. I wish we could all be a little kinder to each other all the time. I know that the holidays are not great for everyone. I know that a lot of people are sad, lonely, or missing loved ones who cannot be there.

But I do know that this year is going to be exciting for my son, who will be old enough to open his own gifts and get excited. My husband will probably have to work on Christmas, and I may be alone with my son. And that will suck. But we can pick any day and make it the special holiday. Boo Boo won't know the difference!

I hope that each of you is touched by the holiday spirit this year. I hope that you don't feel lonely. I hope that you are surrounded by the ones you love, and comforted by happy memories of the ones who cannot be there.

I hope that you are able to share the spirit and "pay it forward" so to speak. I know that each year my dad picks an elderly person or someone who is dining alone in a restaurant, asks the wait-person for their check, pays their bill, and then tells the waiter/waitress to tell the person that "Santa" took care of the tab. It may sound cheesy to you, but these random acts of kindness help to brighten someone's day. And the more you give, the more you get out of it.

So I wish you all happiness. I wish you all peace. I wish you a wonderful holiday season. I wish you kindness. I wish you joy. And I wish you a Happy Autumn, Mother Phuckers :)

Yet Another Email Between Mel & Lo Lo

Today Mel and I had Subway. Yummy, Yummy Subway. I had the tasty veggie delight (actually, that's what I was charged for, but not what I got...oh well!) and Mel had tuna fish.

As I may have mentioned before, I do not eat fish or seafood of any kind. EVER. It's the smell thing I can't get past.

After lunch, Mel sprayed her lovely perfume. Being the pain in the ass sensitive type that I am, I sneezed almost immediately after the first poof.

So Mel sent me the following email:

"SORRY ‘BOUT THE PERFUME. FORGOT HOW SENSITIVE YOU ARE. JUST TRYING TO GET RID OF FISH SMELL!"

And I responded with:

"I’ll take that smell to the smell of rotting vagina ANY DAY"


Melanie told me that she wasn't even going to respond to my email. "You won," she stated with disgust.

Thank you - I'll be here all week :)

Happy Birthday to Ubermilf

Happy Birthday, Ubie!

We all love you bunches!!!

Today we all celebrate the fact that you were born and the fact that we are able to call you "friend"!

Have a Supercalifragalisticexpealadotious Day!!

Love,
Lo Lo

SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN

Ubi, How Could You? I finally was able to get on your blog, did a bit of reading from your posts while I was gone, and what do I find? You tagged me. How could you?

Okay, here goes…

7 Things I Plan To Do Before I Die:

1. Be a Grandmother
2. Celebrate My 50th Wedding Anniversary
3. Loosen Up
4. Drop a Ton of Weight
5. Get Back on an Airplane
6. Finish my Novel and Get it Published
7. Have One Completely Worry-Free Day! (thanks Mel, for pointing this out!)

7 Things I Can Do:

1. Make Kick-Ass Grilled Cheese Sandwiches
2. Make My Son Laugh
3. Protect My Loved Ones Like Nobody’s Business
4. Write Well
5. Type Fast
6. Bring Organization to Whatever I Do
7. Love Passionately, Deeply, Madly, and Forever

7 Things I Cannot Do:

1. Spell “License” Without Using Spell Check (I don’t know why!)
2. Eat Fish or Seafood – I Simply Cannot Get Past the Smell
3. Swim in The Deep End Of The Pool
4. Wear a Bathing Suit without Shorts
5. Lie Well (I’m Not a Quick Thinker When it Comes to Lying – I Get into Lots of Trouble This Way!)
6. Have an Affair
7. “Let it Go” (I am too emotional, too passionate, too guilt-ridden, and far too sensitive!)

7 Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex:

1. Sense of Humor
2. Nice Hands – I Don’t Like Wimpy Hands on Men with Long Fingernails – YUCK!
3. Genuine Smile
4. Kindness
5. Shyness – I Can’t Stand Cocky!
6. Masculinity – But Not Machismo Bullshit
7. A Shaved Head & Goatee (like my hubby!)


7 Things That I Say Most Often:

1. SON OF A BITCH!
2. Fuck
3. WHAT!!??!
4. What’s Wrong with You?
5. I’m Gonna Kill My Mother!
6. I’m Gonna Punch You in Your Asshole!
7. I Love You

7 Celebrity Crushes:

1. George Eads (Original CSI)
2. Mark Wahlberg
3. Jon Bon Jovi
4. Ty Pennington
5. LL Cool J
6. “Jason Morgan” from GH (his real name is Steve Burton, but I don’t like that as much!)
7. Kevin James

7 People I Want To Do This List:

1. Whoever
2. Would
3. Like
4. To
5. Do
6. It!
7. (I’m a little late!)

Your Mothers Should Be Ashamed of Themselves!

So on my very long drive into work in the mornings, I encounter many areas where people are trying to turn onto the road I'm driving on. I ALWAYS let people in. I just hope that someday someone returns the favor for me. And every so often, it actually happens.

Well, this morning I let several people turn in front of me, and I even let one guy come over when his lane ended. NOT ONE SAID THANKS. I know I've blogged about this before, but it just makes my blood boil. It takes less than ONE SECOND to give the thank-you-wave. Why can't people do this? It's just common courtesy!

It's like people who don't send thank you notes. THIS PISSES ME OFF LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE! For instance, someone who I work with had a shower when I started here almost 4 years ago. I didn't even get to see her open her gift, even though I was at the shower. I was paged back to my office. But I know she got the gift.

She is currently divorced and married to someone else. I'm still waiting on my thank you note. I want to ask her every time I see her, "So, how's that Coffee Maker workin out for ya?" I'm sure she uses it every morning. How freaking hard is it to send out a thank you note?

Now, I realize I'm a bit over the top when it comes to sending out cards of any kind. That's just me. I know people make fun of me for it, but I'd certainly rather be known as the person who sends too many cards than the asshole who never sends one. My wedding thank-you's went out 2 weeks after the wedding. I did not want it hanging over my head.

One time someone told me, after I sent her a TY for a gift, "Your mother raised you right." Yeah, my mom told me that when someone gives you something, YOU SAY THANK YOU. It's not that difficult of a concept to grasp!

Oh, and there's also the other issue of someone else I work with who just got married. I wasn't invited to her outside shower or her wedding, but they decided to throw her a here, and I got invited to bring food and gifts. (Hey, thanks!) The shower was on a day I didn't even work, but I made sure I sent a gift ahead of time. This was several months ago. I see her every day. Do you know that she has not even ACKNOWLEDGED that I got her stuff? Hasn't even SAID thank you. Come on - send out a mass "thank you" email. Sure, it's impersonal, but it gets the job done.

It just makes me so angry!! At least say, "Hey thanks for my gift." You don't even have to tell me how nice it was for me to send a gift even though I wasn't at the shower! Just say "thanks," BITCH!!

Okay, I'm done ranting. Moral of the story: LEARN TO SAY THANK YOU! Is that so hard?

An email between Mel and LoLo

SOMEONE GOT CALLED INTO THE PROVERBIAL "PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE TODAY. HERE'S THE EMAIL THAT TRANSPIRED BETWEEN MEL AND I:

LOLO: Hope he’s not getting ripped a new one.

MEL: I would love to be a fly on that wall…..

LOLO: Yeah, no kidding. Now my interest is piqued…

MEL: It is so cold in here my nipples are piqued.

***AT THIS POINT, WHEN THIS PARTICULAR EMAIL POPS UP, I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH A BUSINESS CALL. IN THE MIDDLE OF ME SAYING MY NAME, I LAUGHED OUT LOUD***

LOLO: You’re an a-hole. Now [person on the phone] thinks I’m one, too

MEL: I missed it. Did you laugh out loud?

LOLO: Oh hell yeah :)

MEL: That is awesome.

LOLO: Good times…

MEL: I totally can’t believe you laughed on the phone. I wish I would have witnessed that.

LOLO: Yeah… thanks again

MEL: Sorry, I won’t do it again. When you blog about it you can totally call me a jack ass.

***SO, MEL, I AM OFFICIALLY CALLING YOU A JACKASS, WITH YOUR PERMISSION, OF COURSE***

:)

Weird Things I Saw Before 7:30 am Today...

So I'm driving in to work this morning and I passed "The Prancer." There is this very effeminate man who pounces up and down on his tippy toes whilst flailing his arms, bent at the elbows, in an upward and circular motion as he “prancess” through our town. He wears tight sweatpants, a "Flashdance" tank top, and a sweatband. My guess is he's gay. Although my gay friends would be APPALLED to be in the same category as this guy.

I had a good laugh and made my way on and off of the freeway with no real incident.
Then, as I was driving through the back roads to get to work, I noticed something else quite odd: A man riding a bicycle while talking on his cell phone. And the reason why I noticed him is that HE ALMOST HIT ME. He was riding in the street - you know, just next to the sidewalk - and since he was only maneuvering with one hand, he was swerving all over the freaking place. I just found it about as futile as the men who smoke while riding motorcycles...

Anyway, I park the car and get into the building and I see the male version of the Molly Shannon character on Seinfeld who didn't move her arms while walking. This man looked so awkward. He literally held his arms tight to his sides, while his hands moved just a tad while he was “walking.” How do you do that? Your balance must feel all askew. It was just weird. In my mind, I pictured him coming to my desk late in the evening and knocking everything off of it, ala Seinfeld...

So that was my early morning. I can hardly wait to see what the rest of the day has in store! I am aquiver with excitement :)

100 Things You May Or May Not Know About Me

Okay Brooke, they say plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery. So here goes:

1. I was born on a Thursday afternoon in Euclid, Ohio
2. My oldest and dearest friend in the room was born on the same day
3. Our moms were roommates in the hospital
4. I'm an only child
5. When I was 2.5, I was attacked by a Siberian Husky
6. It was Christmas Eve
7. He bit me on the face
8. I still have scars on my cheek and nose
9. When I was younger, people would ask me if my nose was pierced
10. Nope, it's just where "Gus" sunk his teeth in
11. I'm still afraid of big dogs to this very day
12. My only friend in grade school was my friend from 8th grade
13. I was picked on relentlessly in back then
14. I was overweight and nerdy
15. One little bitch - I mean girl - nicknamed me "Laura the Loser"
16. That still hurts
17. When I went to high school, I decided to force myself to be outgoing
18. That was terribly difficult for me, as I am painfully shy
19. Most people don't know that I suffer from severe social anxiety
20. I graduated 5th in my class of 210
21. I even had my picture in the local paper
22. Big hair and all
23. When I was 18, I didn't want to go to college
24. I wanted to marry my boyfriend and have babies
25. When I did go to college, I worked full time
26. That's why it took me 7 years to finish
27. My husband and I both went to the same college
28. But we never met until after we both graduated
29. Even though we had the same group of friends
30. He is 9 months younger than me
31. We only dated for for FOUR months before we got engaged
32. Next Thursday is my 4 year wedding anniversary
33. My son is finally getting baptised
34. After a very long year where he could not go out in public
35. He will be 14 months old on this day
36. My son is my greatest accomplishment
37. My marriage is my second
38. Not killing my mother is third
39. She drives me crazy
40. But I love her dearly
41. My mom is Italian and my dad is Slovenian
42. So I'm cheap with a bad temper
43. Don't ever try to rip me off or you'll be sorry
44. My husband is a lot like my dad
45. I finally decided to stop dating assholes and pick someone just like my father
46. It has worked out very well for me
47. My husband is my best friend
48. My very good friend is gay and my ex-boyfriend
49. After he came out of the closet, we moved in together
50. We were just like a married couple
51. We fought all the time and never had sex :)
52. He's moved all over the world, and we are still super close
53. He's going to be my son's Godfather
54. And my son's Godmother is John's sister, who is a pagan
55. SHHH!! Don't tell the priest
56. My all-time favorite TV show is "LaVerne & Shirley"
57. Because I was an English major, I constantly find myself looking for grammatical errors
58. Truth is, I'm usually the one making them
59. I'm such a worrier that when I was 14 my doctor told me I was giving myself an ulcer
60. I'm so anal retentive I drive myself crazy
61. And my poor husband, too. But hey, he married me. So there!
62. When my son throws his toys all around the living room, it takes all I have not to pick up each one and put it away
63. My Dad used to do this to me when I was a baby
64. Which explains a lot
65. My Mom has a knack for saying things to me that have stuck with me my whole life
66. Like when I wore a dress on my 8th grade graduation day that was too tight (even though I promised her I'd lose weight to fit into it), she told me how horrible I looked
67. To this day I wear my clothes too big
68. Which she also comments on
69. Right now my Mom and I are fighting because she spoils my son and screws up his routine on the one day a week she babysits
70. I hung up on her yesterday without saying "I love you."
71. This is a HUGE no-no in my family
72. That'll teach her...
73. My dad is the funniest person I know
74. When I was little, I always thought he wanted a son, so I forced myself to love sports so we could watch them together
75. I love my father dearly
76. But my son is the most important person in my life
77. My husband and my parents tie for second place - although John is at the top of that list
78. We had 3 devastating miscarriages before my son was born... three months early
79. Although my husband wants to try for another baby, I just don't know if I can do it
80. My Mom begged me to never get pregnant again because both my son and I almost died the first time
81. I think she's afraid that if I died, my mother-in-law with move in with my husband and take care of the children - thus winning the grandmother-of-the-year competition :)
82. I have so many wonderful friends in my life
83. I wish I kept in better touch with them
84. Although I am the "Queen of Cards"
85. My one friend said that if I sneeze and someone says "God Bless You," that they can expect a thank-you card in the mail
86. When I die, I would like my tombstone to say, "I'm sorry I can't send you a Thank You card for visiting"
87. Sometimes I lay awake at night and obsess about death
88. I have realized that after being (almost) raped at 17, that I have gained weight so that I will never be that vulnerable and powerless again
89. I'll kick anyone's ass who tries to hurt my family
90. When my house is dirty, my life is in an uproar
91. I guess it's because cleaning my house is the only time I ever have control in life
92. Although I wish I didn't have to work, I really like my job
93. I take great pride in what I do, and I am obsessed about screwing up
94. I'm an overachiever
95. My poor son....
96. I hope I can be a good mother and never give him complexes or make him feel bad about himself; I just want him to love himself and have confidence
97. My son is the strongest person I know
98. It scares me that I am responsible for molding and shaping his life and helping to make him a good person
99. I hope he doesn't turn out as screwed up as me
100. But I'm afraid he has no chance of that...