Being Bobby Brown Isn't So Bad, It's that Whitney Houston Bitch I'd Worry About

So last night I get home from picking up the baby at my parents' house and I'm feeding him. As he drifts off to sleep on my lap, I'm flipping around the tube. I turn on "Being Bobby Brown." NOTHING ELSE WAS ON.

I always thought that he was a piece of trash wife-beater and never cared for him. After seeing 15 minutes of this train-wreck, I realize that he's totally normal compared to his psychopath skank-ass-ho of a wife. She was totally strung out and just plain nas-tay! What a total bitch, too. Wow. She is out of her mind. What happened to that sweet, pretty girl who once belted out the high notes like nobody's business? Wow. She is a HOT MESS. I actually feel sorry for the dude. And frankly, I'D like to beat her!

I don't know if what really happens behind the camera is any different, but if it's true reality, she beats the living crap out of him and verbally abuses the shit out of him. She is a hardcore beeeyatch. And I'd like someone from Child Services to watch an episode and rescue those poor kids. Especially the one that Whitney treats so poorly.

Well, as My Gay would say, "You can paint a trash can any color, but you open the lid, and there's still trash inside."

The moral to this story: Money can buy you everything... but class.

My Bachelorette Party & A Case of Imodium

Melanie is planning her sister's Bachelorette Party and it got me to thinking about mine. We decided we are going to blog about our respective BP's. Here's how mine went:

A group of us got together down at TGI Friday's in the Flats (Downtown Cleveland). The plan was to have dinner and then hit the bars. There was this friend of my husband's who hated my guts. She used to pal around with John before I came along (even though she was married) and call him her "back-up husband" - you know, in case her real husband ever "died in a fiery planecrash" or whatnot.

Anyway, once I came along, I "stole him away from her" and she made me aware of it every time I saw her. Before this had escalated to the point of mutual hatred, we asked her and her husband to be in the wedding party. Naturally, she was invited to the bachelorette party. Naturally, she made a comment about me taking away her best friend and effing things up.

I was a nervous wreck: uncomfortable, angry, and ready to kick her ass. But I didn't want to cause a scene or get kicked out of the restaurant. I just wanted to let it go and try to have a good time.

My body, on the other hand, decided to further torture me with a scorching case of diarrhea. Yes, I had the hershey squirts at my bachelorette party, and the feeling hit me just as I put the first bite of my dinner in my mouth.

I spent the next HOUR in the crapper... you can guess what I was doing. Luckily, my one friend had some Imodium with her. It took about an hour to finally plug me up. After that, I was not in the mood to party. My ass hurt, I was totally embarrassed, and I wanted to go home.

I sucked it up, though, and we went on with our night. I didn't feel much like drinking after that. I did have one beer, though, to try and make myself feel better. It didn't really work.

The one fun thing about the night was that EVIL BITCH left early and my good friend had made a grab bag full of 25 or so things that I had to pick from and complete before the night was over. She also bought me a mini polaroid that took mini pix and a scrapbook to go with it that would record my evening.

Each time I reached into the bag, I would pull out something that said, "you must walk up to a random guy and ask him for a condom, telling him you are stocking up for the honeymoon" or "you must go up to a hot guy and tell him you're getting married but ask for his number just in case it doesn't work out", etc. It was fun, and each time I did one of the dares, they would take my picture documenting it. Then we would take the mini polaroid (which printed sticker pix) and stick it in the scrapbook.

It was an idea I had read about in a magazine and suggested to my friend that it sounded like fun - just in passing. She totally ran with the idea, made a kick-ass scrapbook, got me a cool camera, added her own flair to the night, and made a memento I will treasure forever.... Along with my new-found friend, Imodium.

Oh and ps: Evil Bitch is no longer a part of our lives.

Why Do I Have To Work?

Aside from the socialization and monetary aspects, I see no real benefit of working. Being on vacation for 11 days made it very hard to come back here. True, I like my boss and most of my coworkers. True, I need the money. But it's also true that I would like to win the lotto and not have to work again. It would be awesome. I would love to be with my son 24/7. I would love to be with my husband, too.

We could travel. I would get my own jet, though. Maybe then I wouldn't be so afraid to fly. And I'd have my personal physician on board to shoot me up with some vallium. I'd hire a personal chef and trainer so that I could get thin. And I'd even airbrush my abs on like Mariah Carey did.

So that I wouldn't be bored, I would buy this old abandoned hotel downtown (by Channel 5) and turn it into a homeless shelter that I would oversee. And I would start a Deer Rehabilitation Center (see my earlier post about the baby deer) and be involved in that as well.

I would hire a personal tutor and teacher for my son, who would travel with us wherever we went. I would buy my husband the Porsche he's been wanting, and I think I'd get that Lexus SUV. And I'd buy the baby one of those kick-ass Jeeps that they have for kids so he could tool around in that.

I'd buy my own county. And only let my family and friends live in it. I'd buy them all a house. But I would have a private tunnel under our house (like a Bat Cave) where we could escape when the in-laws come knocking on the door. "Sorry, you JUST missed them," Jeeves would say.

Yes, I think I would very much like winning the lotto and not working. How would you all like to live in my county? LoLo County, Ohio. And I could name all of the streets cool things like, "Real Friends Road" and "On-The-Bubble Boulevard" and "His- Side Circle." It would be great.

Alright, it's settled. I'll be winning the next Mega Millions. See you on "All-Bloggers Avenue."

5 More Q&A

QUESTIONS FROM MEL:

1. If you could live anywhere in the world (and not have to fly to get there), where would it be?

This probably sounds corny, but I'd still live where I live. Just in a much newer, nicer, and bigger house. I love our little town. I love being 30 mins from Cleveland, and just 1 minute from Marc's (discount kick-ass store), Giant Eagle, every fast food place you could imagine, 2 awesome parks, Blockbuster AND Hollywood video, and several gas stations. It's so convenient. Not quite the country, but not the city, either. I love my friends and family too much to move away. Yes, I'm a dork.

2. What is your absolute dream job?

Remember that woman who used to be on the local morning news shows who would answer questions about what was going to happen on your fave soaps (Linda Somebody)? Well I'd like to do that. Or, have my own organizational/decorating show. No wait. I don't want to be on tv. I change my answer to: novelist. That's always what I've wanted to do. Or perhaps professional blogger. No, wait. I'VE GOT IT: STAY-AT-HOME-MOM. Yeah, that's it!!

3. I know you love your parents very much. However, if you could pick anyone in the world to be your mom and dad, who would it be and why?

I would pick Sue and Gary. I know that sounds cheesy, but as much as my parents (mostly Mom) drive me crazy, I couldn't imagine having anyone else do their job. Plus, I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for them. And wouldn't you miss this quirky, guilt-ridden, sarcastic, anal-rententive, meticulous neat-freak who sometimes makes you laugh til you pee?

I would have loved to have Marilyn Monroe as my aunt, though, and James Dean as my uncle. That would be awesome! Sad, but awesome!

4. Who is your fantasy man?

Okay, my husband is. He's awesome. I love him very much. But I know you are probably tired of these "lame-ass" answers. So I will give you my top 5 laminated list of guys I would totally (and am allowed to) "do": Mark Wahlberg, George Eads (from CSI), The guy who plays "Jason Morgan" on GH, Bruce Willis, and (Stone-Cold) Steve Austin. Well, it's not actually laminated. In fact, it changes daily. But today, that's my list.

5. Name the one T.V. show you could absolutely not live without.

This is tough. We usually have the tv on a lot at our house, and I watch lots of stuff. I never actually get to watch anything from start to finish because of the baby. But that's another blog.

I like a lot of HGTV and TLC shows. Mostly makeover and remodel stuff. And I love General Hospital (as you probably already know). I'm a huge "King of Queens" fan, I'm currently hooked on "Hell's Kitchen," and I love "Will & Grace." But I also love "CSI," "Extreme Makeover: Home Addition," and "Scrubs." But I guess if I had to pick my favorite, right now it would have to be "Monk." I really love that show. I'm totally into the detective thing and trying to figure out who-dunnit before he does, but mostly I can relate to his obsessive-compulsiveness. Most people watch that show and can't believe he does what he does; they think he's crazy. I watch it and say, "what's wrong with that?" I think he's perfectly lovely!

10 Questions... 10 Answers

QUESTIONS FROM BROOKE:

1. You have just won a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world. Where would you go and why?

I do not fly. I used to be terrified of flying. Then I was on my honeymoon in Canada, going to fly to Vancouver, and 9/11/01 happened. From that day, I have vowed to never fly again. However, if I ever did get the courage to fly, I would go to Italy and see where my ancestors and my husband's ancestors came from.

2. If you could guarantee world peace by posting naked pictures of yourself on the internet, would you do it?

World peace would occur with simultaneous world vomiting. But yes, I'd do it.

3. What is your guilty pleasure? (besides blogging!)

Collecting things. Like shoes, DVD's, and jewelry

4. You are the new character on General Hospital. Who are you and what is your deep dark secret?

My name is Lily Farquar. My dark secret is that I was Jason Morgan's sex slave for 10 years. I live in his basement.

5. Describe a perfect day.

A perfect day is when both myself and my husband are not working. My son decides to sleep past 7am. We spend the day together. The sun is shining. We take a walk up to the park. We pack a picnic. In the evening, my son takes an extra long nap and my husband and I snuggle on the couch a watch a movie. That night, I go to bed early and sleep for 12 uninterrupted hours. I'm sure hubby would like some nooky, but it's my fantasy, and I'm tired :)


QUESTIONS FROM UBI:

1. What Disney villain creeps you out the most and why?

I'm not totally up to date on my Disney movies. But I'm sure in a year I will be! Right now my son is entertained by General Hospital. Sidebar: I cannot stand Helena Cassidine because she's had so much plastic surgery it looks like she's had a stroke. Also, she does not know how to hold a gun properly. She looks like an ass clown. I'll have to get back to you about Disney - ask me in a few months!

2. What is your favorite cleaning product(s)?

I LOVE to clean. I know, I'm a freak. I used to be totally into Oxyclean, but I got over that real fast. Currently, I'm obsessed with Lysol (or chlorox) wipes. But I also fell in love with ZAP! when I was cleaning off our outdoor furniture. Oh, and I just got the new Mr Clean Magic Reach instrument for the shower, and that is great (thanks Mel! - I got it with my Target gift card she got me for my bday)

3. How did your husband propose to you?

I came home from work one day. I opened my apartment door and there were a dozen roses on the table. There was also a note pad. The first page said "WILL" the next page said "YOU" then "MARRY" and "ME." Taped to the last page was the ring. My husband was no where to be found. I walked down the hall and there he was, sitting on my bed, waiting for an answer. He thought I was going to say no, so he hid. About an hour later, he had to go to work. He worked back-to-back doubles the whole weekend. So we really didn't have a chance to celebrate. But, at least I got a great story out of it, the note to put in my scrap book, and an awesome husband!

4. What is your favorite Popsicle flavor?

Cherry. And that is my favorite flavor of just about everything, exept douche.

5. You have to pull a Halloween prank on someone. Who is it and what do you do?

Boy, I'm no good at pranks. I guess I would do it on Mel's boss, since he is always picking on me. What I would do is place a flaming bag of dog poo outside of his office door. That will teach him I'm not "sensitive"! Of course, I'd probably end up being the one to stop it out....

I forgot what I wanted to blog about

This morning I had a great idea for a post. Then I got busy at work, and the thought went straight out of my head. I swear, this old age thing is kicking my ass.

Over the weekend, we put up a 9' by 9' gazebo on our back patio, and it just about killed me. My husband thougt it would only take 2 hours. 10 hours later, I was still working on it. It was about 90 degrees outside, and I was bent over (no comments from the Peanut Gallery, please!) for a few of those hours, cleaning off all of the gross backyard furniture that had nasty shit all over it. I used an entire bottle of "ZAP" on the 4 chairs, big table, and 2 side tables and a roll and a half of paper towels. And from being hunched over for that long, I could barely move my legs the next morning. They were all quivery and achey. Oh, and because it was so hot and I was so sweaty, I had to burn my clothes. Plus, I broke out in some sort of rash on my chest. What the fuck is that all about? I never used to be this way. Old age sucks!

And, on top of everything else, I keep forgetting shit. Oh, and the worst part about getting old is that I keep on forgetting shit. Oh yeah, did I mention the worst thing about aging? Hey, wait a minute. Where am I? Who are you? What happened to my pants?

All By Myself

If you have ever seen the movie, "Half Baked," there is a scene where Harlan Williams is singing this song in the shower in prison, and then he drops the soap. It's hillarious.

Anyway, I'm all by myself today. I'm missing my partner in crime, Melanie. She's off looking at new houses. And I'm sure she slept in. And I'm sure she's not even THINKING about work. But I'm blue without her. It's quiet, and that's weird. I have no one to complain to, and I'm lonely. Her boss is out and my boss is not currently in his office, and her chair is empty. So it's really kind of sad.

Being an only child, I'm used to entertaining myself (nothing dirty!), so you'd think I'd be okay on my own. But I guess that now I'm married and have a son, I'm not used to being all alone. It's weird. And I don't like it one bit!

The only plus side is I'm getting LOTS of work done. But that's not really a plus....

If I knew there would be tests, I never would have signed up for this

Everyone keeps tagging me to blog about answering these 5 questions, and then removing this name, adding that name, putting down more names, etc, etc, etc.

Well, I'M NOT DOING IT.

Oh, alright. I'll answer the 5 questions, but I'm not going to make anyone else do it. Thanks Ubi, Brooke, and John. And I'm sure Mel would have tagged me, too, if they hadn't already done so.

The 5 things I miss about childhood:

1. The lack of responsibilities. Remember how you couldn't wait to be a grown-up so you could live by your own rules? Well how come no one told me that I'd have to pay a mortgage, an electric bill, a gas bill, a waste disposal bill, a telephone bill, a cell phone bill, credit card bills, etc, etc, etc.?? Plus the fact that I have to WORK in order to pay these bills. What is that all about??!! It's total bullshit, Man!

2. Getting out of school at 3pm. I'm lucky if I get out of work before 7pm. I miss my four hours of freedom.

3. Sleeping in on the weekends/ summer vacation. Since my son has been born, the latest I've "slept in" is 8am. And on a work day, I'm up at 5am.

4. Being able to eat whatever I wanted. Not that I didn't have a weight problem then as well, but I never once read a label or counted a calorie or drank diet pop. (Hence the weight problem now....)

5. Having a home-cooked meal every night. Even if I complained about what we were having, didn't like it, or begged to go out to eat, I miss having my mom's home-cookin on the table every night at 5pm. (Sidebar: Hubby is a great cook, but we're both so tired at the end of either being at work all day or taking care of baby, that neither one of us has any desire to cook).

The other 5 questions:

1. Can you tell me your whereabouts on the evening of April 38th, 1991?
I believe at the local pub, drinking my body weight in Bud Light.

2. If you could have named yourself, which name would you have picked?
Anastasia Beaverhowsen

3. What was the 29th book you read?
"Mommy, Where Do Babies Come From?" (Mom wouldn't tell me, so I had to find out on my own!)

4. In your opinion, who was the hottest Apostle?
John

5. Dude, where's my car?
I don't know because some days I'm driving the mini van, others the Nissan. I have to walk around the parking lot hitting the alarm buttons to see if any vehicle starts beeping. Then I go toward the light. Or the car that is beeping...

Alright. I'm done. There are my lists.

Good day, sir. I SAID GOOD DAY!

Someone Pissed in the Gene Pool Again

I'm driving into work this morning and there is this Good Ole Boy in a big ass pickup truck behind me. He comes flying up behind me, dippin his tabacky, and I get over to let him pass. As I do, I notice a crudely hand-made window sticker. This guy "lovingly" cut out each of the following letters: "Eatin' Pussy... Shittin' Food."

I almost wrecked when I read it. It caught me so off guard! But all I could think of was - THANK GOD I'M MARRIED! I couldn't even imagine being single and having this as an option to date. What a piece of cacka. A derelict hillbilly white-trash piece of garbage, if you will. And wouldn't he be a treat to bring home to Mom??

I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy "Blue Collar Comedy" and I think "Larry the Cable Guy" is hillarious. But I don't see him as dating material. This is for several reasons, the first and most important being that I'm married and not looking to date.

Anyway, I just thought this material was too good to go unrepeated. Only in America. And only in Ohio, I guess...

Jingle Jangle

As I was diffusing my hair this morning (for those of you who don't know, this is an attachment you put on your blow-dryer when you have naturally curly hair - it stops it from frizzing up), I got that stupid Mr. Clean jingle stuck in my head:

Mr Clean gets rid of grease and grime
and dirt in just a minute
Mr Clean is stronger longer
cuz there's ultra power in it

I wanted it out of my head, so I was desperately scanning my brain for a replacement song. Here's what I came up with:

Early to rise
Early to bed
In and between
I cooked and cleaned
and went out of my head
Going through life
with blinders on
it's tough to see
I had to get up
Get out from under
And look for me

There's a new girl in town
and she's lookin good
There's a fresh, freckled face
in the neighborhood
Things are great when you stand
on your own to feet
But this girl's here to say
with some luck and love
life's gonna be...
so sweet

Anyone know what show this was from? I'll give you a dollar if you can guess it correctly!