Walmart is for Winners

So I'm at Walmart a while back. My husband says if you want to feel better about yourself, you should hang out there for a while. There are some really sad cases that hang out there. Along those lines, I'm in line and there is a woman in front of me with a huge cart full of stuff. The cashier, a rather odd bird, was picking up each individual item, looking it over, and giving it a cutesy name. For instance, when picking up the package of Fig Newtons, she said, "Oh, Figgie Newtonies" and then scanned the item, making the BEEP noise in tune with the scanner.

Trying with all of my might not to burst out laughing, I had to stare at the floor and try not to convulse too much as I held it all in. I really wanted to get out of line, but there was a huge pile-up behind me, and all the other lanes were either full or closed.

I'm not sure what it is about me, but no matter where I go, I always pick not only the world's longest line, but also the world's weirdest cashier.

It certainly makes on-line shopping a lot more appealing :)

Moral of the story: If you see me in line, abandon your cart and get the hell out of the store! Trust me on this one!

Today sucks @ss

Today is a really bad day. Why? Why not. It sucks @ss and I don't even have time to get into it. Does anyone else feel the same? It's like I'm so far behind I'm ahead. I'm sick of it. I feel like screaming. Would anyone else care to join me? All together now.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Okay, I feel better now. Thanks and enjoy your evening.

Freeway of Death

So I'm heading into work this morning behind some dumbass getting on the freeway. Instead of speeding up like you are supposed to on the entrance ramp, Dummy Dumbass decides to get to the end of the ramp and slam on the brakes, nearly killing everyone in line behind her. Now all of the traffic that is moving right along on Route 2 has to swerve around the pile up of cars spilling onto the highway at 2 mph. Horns blazing. Cars in and out. Meanwhile, I'm there with my blinker on, trying to figure out how to get around this idiot who never learned in Drivers' Ed that the purpose of an on-ramp is to get your car up to the speed of traffic WHEN YOU GET TO THE END OF IT! Apparently, back in 1892 when they got their license, this was not relevant because there were no freeways then.

You know, I love the fact that after each daily snowstorm in Cleveland, people suddenly forget how to drive in it. Oh no! The sky is falling! I better slow down! Or, my favorite type of winter driver: I have 4WD, so I will go 95 mph and screw everyone in my way! I love passing those guys, spun out in the grassy median, a few miles up the road. What is with drivers in this town? LEARN HOW TO DRIVE!!!

I finally make it into work this morning and have to ride the courtesy shuttle provided, since all parking lots are at least a mile away from the building you work in. As I enter, I notice an open seat behind Mullet Man. Very strange... all the seats in the back are taken, but no one is behind the Mullet. So I sit down and realize, once the bus has taken off, why there is no one behind the Mullet. Apparently, he has stepped in dog shit. So I get to sit behind this guy for what feels like forever. He leans sideways in his chair, mouth open, staring out the window. I suddenly realize that he did not STEP in dog shit. He, in fact, ATE dog shit. His breath is horrendous! I start dry heaving. My eyes are watering. I want to say - Hey, buddy, little Jimmy Dean sausages do not fall from the sky like Manna from Heaven. That was dog poop you ate. Why don't you do us all a favor and pop a tic tac. Holy crap!

I exit the bus and a large group of people are headed towards me, walking 5-abreast. I am trying to enter the front doors, but these people are annoyed by the fact that somehow I am in their way, and I am forced to stop, move out of their way, and go around them. Oh, excuse me, giant mob, I'm sorry to be an inconvenience to you! And here's a future tip for you: We drive our cars on the right side of the street, so let's walk on the RIGHT side of the street! Is this such a difficult concept? Apparently so!

So, that was my day... all before 7:00am. Hopefully the rest of it will be better. It's about 10am now, and it seems to be looking up a bit. At least it's Friday. Not much else to say.