Motivational Poster

John called me on my lack of blogging. It's only been a year, Dude, but whatever.

So I got this email about motivational posters and this one happens to be my fave. And quite frankly, you cannot ever overuse the word "douchebag" NEVER!

NICK SMELLS... PASS IT ON

PRICELESS

New passport to travel to Canada: $67.00 on debit Master Card

Beautiful Ontario Bed-and-Breakfast: $99 - 299.00 per night

Wine Tour in Niagara-on-the-Lake: $10.00 - 25.00 per bottle on debit Master Card

Getting your pregnant wife to drive your drunk ass back to the states after a long weekend of drinking: PRICELESS

New Product

So Mel sends me this email:

i think she's lying.....and i think you are an @ss douche.

Here's my response:

Ew. @ss douche. I'd like to see the commercial for that:

Do you suffer from chronic swamp@ss?
Does your lover ask you to bathe before intercourse?
Well do we have the product for you!
@ss douche, by Menon

Now your @ss can smell like a bed of roses.
And your lover won't pass out when you rip off your undies
He (or she) can make believe you're on laying in a field of blossoming flowers instead of a pool of your own @ss sweat

So the next time you you have that not-so-fresh feeling in your rectal region, try @ss douche, by Menon

Your @ss will thank you for it!

College Daze

So a coworker was discussing her daughter, who is readying herself for college. Her daughter is concerned because her new roommate is a big drinker and she (supposedly) is not.

It reminded me of a story from my college days. I was always a big partier, and never passed up a good time. But when I was at orientation, and we had to get up very early in the morning for entrance exams so I wanted to be well-rested to take a test that would dictate where I fell ni the grand scheme of things. Would I be in the advanced classes or the dummy ones? This was exceedingly important, and I was not about to phuck it up for one night of fun.

I got stuck with a random roommate who was a complete beyotch. The night before exams, I came back to the room and went to bed at a reasonable hour after studying. Around midnight, the door opens, and this hor comes in, turns the lights on, and tries "sneaking in" about 10 other people into the room for a party. Never asked me if I wanted to have a party or if it was okay. Just showed up, drunk and unruly.

I was so pissed off! So I got up after about a half hour of it and asked them to leave. After calling me a few unkind names, they left. A couple of hours later the roommate came back. My alarm clock was set for 6am. When it went off, the roommate was passed out in a drunken stupor. I got up, took a shower, came back in the room and got ready, unplugged that bitch's alarm clock, and headed off for the test.

Oh yeah, that's right. I unplugged her alarm clock.

About an hour into the entrance exam, she came running in to the room. She was still in her pajamas, hair a mess, and utterly disheveled. I looked up at her and smiled and went back to taking my test.

I never saw her around campus after that. I guess she didn't pass her test... Awww... too bad!

The Best Show on Summer TV

So there is this new show on VH1 called "Rock of Love" with Brett Michaels, formerly of Poison. (or currently of Poison? I don't know). Anyway, it's a "Bachelor" rip-off of sorts, along the lines of "Flavor of Love" with Flava-Flave!

My man Brett has this house full of 21 skanks. I mean, we're talking strippers, exotic dancers, prositutes, and your basic hors. There are actually 2 hoes named Brandi - with an "I," a Krista, a Tawney, a Tiffany, and a Lacey, just to name a few. Each one is nastier than the next. Bleach-blonde, fake-and-baked, breast-implanted, venerial-disease-carrying, tattoed ho-bags.

So, at the end of the show, Brett has "back stage passes" to hand out to the girls he wants to take to the next round. He hands them the pass and asks the greatest, most romantic question a man could ever ask a woman: "Will you rock my world?"

Brett admittedly is looking for a skank who will let him phuck around, who will party with him and/or let him party with other hoes, and who won't tie him down. I really have no idea why he even has this show, but my guess is he will tap every ass on that set. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

One skank actually dry-humped the Brettster while he was trying to have a "meaningful" conversation with each pair of girls desperately wanting to get to know him better. (Yeah, cuz they're in it to find their true love, too.) One of the Brandis has this high-pitched whiney voice and she was all mad because Tiffany was dry-humping him when it was his time to talk to her and her BFF. So in order to get his attention, she borrowed someone else's bathing suit that was too small, and her boobs fell out. (I actually wanted to beat her to death with her implants because she was quite possibly the most annoying person I have ever seen in my life). So what I'm saying is that we're talking Emmy-nominated telivision, people!

Anywho, I think it airs Tuesdays at 9 on VH1. YOU MUST MUST MUST CHECK IT OUT. It is a phucking train wreck, and it is worth every delightful minute!! Enjoy :)

Weight Just a Minute...

So admittedly, I’m not thin. I’ve never pretended to be. But recently, I’ve had some very harsh comments made – to my face – about my weight problem. Insensitive people never cease to amaze me.

For instance, once a woman at work asked me where I get my clothes because she thought I dressed very nicely. I told her I like Kohl’s and before I could finish my sentence, she interjected with “Really? You can find things in your size there?” Ouch!

hen, a few weeks ago we were getting tickets to a work-related function that included a free t-shirt. They were also selling extra tees that you could purchase for your spouses or whatnot. I was standing at the table holding up a 2X for my hubby. A woman comes over, sees me holding up the tee in front of me and says, “You know, we sell 3X too.” WOW!!

A couple days later, I was talking to another coworker who went to get a greasy burger for lunch. She said she was having a bad day and that it was helping her. I said, “As you can see from my figure--” And she interjected with: “You’ve had a lot of bad days?” Zowie!!!

Anyway, my husband suggested that we have t-shirts made with the slogan “Another bad day” – I'll take mine in size 3X please. But I was thinking, maybe this banner, stretched out over my ass, would be less subtle and more to-the-point??!!