HELP!

When I was a girl, my mother was very ill with cancer. After she got better, she decided that the “poisonous” extended family we had was not healthy for her and we stopped calling them. My dad said that if they truly cared about us, THEY would call us. 20 years later, the phone still ain’t ringing.

When my mom was a kid, she and her brother were abandoned by their parents and after a battery of abusive foster homes; they came to live with an aunt and uncle and their children. My mom lived with her cousins and had a very sisterly bond with one in particular. But since she was still a part of the “poison,” and again made no effort to contact my mom after her cancer, their relationship fell into the huge family rift.

So, a few months ago, my mom was out and about and ran into this cousin from said- family. They got to talking and decided to exchange numbers. As it turns out, cousin is no longer speaking to her sisters, and barely speaks to her parents. She only does a weekly trip (to help clean the house, go shopping, etc.) out of a sense of familial obligation, since both parents are very ill and elderly. She made a promise to my mother that she would not tell any of “the poisons” that she was talking with my mom.

Now that my mom and her cousin talk every week or so and are becoming old friends, as if nothing had happened between them. My mom even met her children, who are now almost grown. And now, my mom’s cousin wants to “re-meet” me and meet my son.

I was 14 the last time I spoke with my mom’s cousin. I’m 34 now. So 20 years of my life have gone by. I’ve graduated high school, graduated college, gotten married, and had a child. And during the very hard times in my life and the very good times in my life, this person chose not to be a part of it all. But now she wants to come back in.

It’s not that I harbor any ill-will towards her, nor do I hate her as she seems to think. I just feel that I don’t have a place for her in my life. She is not someone that I really feel I would benefit from knowing. I can imagine her wanting to hang out all the time and become BFF like her and my mom. And I just don’t know if I am ready for that – or if I ever will be.

I keep putting it on the back-burner. I’m torn because aside from my mom and her brother (and his kids that I don’t really see), I don’t have any family. And it would be nice to have another family member be a part of my life. And what happened 20 years ago is history, right? I mean, she’s trying to make amends now. BUT… on the other hand, I’ve survived more than half of my life without her. And is there really a need to bring her back in and re-live a lot of old hurt? She didn’t do anything particularly nasty to me, but at the same time, she abandoned a young girl who really looked up to her.

My mother keeps calling me and bugging me about it. She prayed on it and feels like it was a sign from God that cousin needs to be back in her life and it is helping her heal. And cousin keeps bugging my mom that she wants to see me. And I just can’t decide. I keep telling my mom that I don’t feel like I need to heal. I closed that chapter of my life long ago, and came to terms with the fact that I’d never see those people again. But I don’t know, perhaps I do need to heal, too.

Or maybe I’m just being selfish – after all, if I invite her back into our lives, it would be another person to love the Boo Boo. And it never hurts to have people love you, right?

But what if, in a few years, she goes away again. Then I’ve just set my son up for disappointment and hurt. But maybe that won’t happen again because maybe she really has changed.

Or maybe a zebra never changes its stripes?!?!?!

That's Hot!

Big Mistake. HUGE

So this past weekend, I got my mane cut. Whilst in the chair, my hairdresser made a comment about all the grey. Now, I’ve been getting these, coarse, long, white hairs since I was 16. It’s all stress-related.

Anyway, I asked what I could do that did not involve me coming to see her every month and dropping $100+. She suggested L'Oreal temporary dye in medium brown. No highlights, no red, no caramel. Just brown, like my natural hair color. But not permanent.

Okay, so I went out and bought it. And last night, I decided to go for it. The first step in this ridiculously long process was to wet my hair, then I had to block my hair into 4 different sections, then I had put on the gloves (which had some sort of powdery substance on them that made my hands itch), and then I had to had to mix the shit up - oh my God the smell! - and apply it to my head.

So I applied the stinky stuff to my noggin, which took forever, and then had to let it sit for 15 mins and then rinse, and then I had to put on this conditioner, and then rinse again.

After my final rinse, my tub and sink were stained, as was my towel. And the odor was absolutely revolting. REVOLTING. RE-phucking-VOLTING.

Also, the "medium brown” looks black and very flat. I hate it! And on top of everything else, my scalp started burning after the dual rinse cycle.

Sooooo.... I tried to wash it out immediately. Twice. Then I came downstairs and hubby was like "oh man, that is pretty stron." So I washed again.

I actually woke up in the middle of the night because of the smell. It was so STRONG and so GROSS.

So this morning, I washed it twice more and put lots of jelly goop and hairspray and perfume in my hair. But I can still smell it.

OH THE HUMANITY!!! Dear God, the humanity!

Needless to say, this is my first AND LAST attempt at home coloring. From now on, I’ll just say – phuck it – and be the 30-something chick with the full grey head of hair.

THAT’S HOT!!!