Embarrassing Moments in the Life of LoLo

So I was in my office doing some thinking. And by "office" I mean "bathroom" and by "thinking" I mean "pooping." Anywho, I was reminded of something that happened to me a few years ago, which was very embarrassing, and it caused a whole shload of embarrassing memories to come rushing back. So here are some embarrassing moments for you to enjoy at my expense:

When I was working several years ago at a college, we had recently received some bomb threats during finals week. So the college was cracking down on fire drills. Everyone had to evacuate the building within a certain amount of time and we were being monitored. So this one day, I was having some anal issues, and I had to use the restroom. I went down the hall to one of the more private bathrooms, where I wouldn't be disturbed. The moment I sat down, wouldn't you know it - the fire alarm goes off. I could not stop what I was doing. It was physically impossible. So I had to wait it out in the crapper. After the building was secured and everyone came back in, I made my way back to my desk. My boss comes over and starts asking my why I didn't participate in the fire drill and starts telling me that I could be punished for not complying with company policy. I then had to explain to him that I was unable to evacuate the building due to an explosive case of diarrhea.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I was running down the stairs to get to my class. My ankle twisted and I fell down the last few steps and landed on the level where the teachers’ offices were. The bell had already rung, and the place was vacant. I was unable to get up because my ankle hurt so much, so I laid there for a while until someone happened by to use the bathroom. She went to get help and the nurse came to check me out. I couldn’t walk all the way to the nurse’s office, so she needed to get some sort of aid to get me there. She came back with a dolly; you know, the thing you load boxes onto and wheel around. And I had to hold onto the sides of the dolly, stand on the small platform, and be wheeled from one end of the building to the other, by this little 4’10”, 95 lb. woman, who complained the whole time about how heavy I was.

When I was a senior in high school, I was running to a class I was late for. As I ran up the steps, I tripped and fell. I plummeted downward, bumping down each step, till I hit the bottom landing with a boom. Trailing behind me, softly floating downward, were the contents of my Trapper Keeper, which hit the floor and scattered everywhere. A lowly freshman saw the whole thing and helped me get up and reclaim the contents of my Trapper. After I was regrouped, he looked at me and said, “You know, you really should be more careful.” Yeah, thanks for the advice.

When I was a freshman in college, I was on my way down to the cafeteria. It was winter time and very slushy. The steps were very wet. I’m sure you know where I’m going with this one. I slipped on some slush and fell down the stairs. But the best part of all, was that the entire football team, fresh from practice, was in front of me. I slid into them and just about knocked them all down. Too bad I only got a spare. A perfect strike would have been nice.

When I first started dating my husband, I was over at his condo. He had to work 3rd shift, and we were leaving together. I walked out the back door and went to grab the railing to hold on to as I went down the 3 back steps. Only there was no railing, and I fell out of his condo into a huge patch of dirt and rocks. My jeans caught on the bottom of the screen door and ripped from mid-knee all the way up my ass. I was so humiliated! The sweet man that he is, he offered to call off work to stay with me because I hit my head pretty hard when I landed and he thought I might have a concussion. I ended up being okay, wounding my pride more than anything else.

When I was working at one of my old jobs, there was this really hot guy who was walking around the store. My friend and I spotted him and were fighting over who was going to marry him. We were standing there talking about him saying things like, “Funny, he didn’t mention YOUR NAME when we were out last night” and how hot he looked in his blue shirt and tan pants, with his soft brown hair and piercing blue eyes, etc etc. After about 5 minutes of discussing him in very specific detail, my friend had this really awful look on her face. “He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?” I said with a gulp. Yeppers. There he was.

When I was working at my current job, my boss was in his office asking if I could help him locate some important documents. We were lifting up all sorts of things, looking for these papers. On his desk was a salad and a small container of walnuts. I saw that the documents he was searching for was underneath the lunch he was eating. I was so excited to have found them that I squealed with pride, “Here they are, UNDER YOUR NUTS!”

And finally, THEE MOST EMBARRASSING THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME:

When I was at work one day, I was on the phone with a new coworker who was asking me a bunch of questions. I got a call on the other line and this customer had lots and lots and lots of concerns, questions, and whatnot. After about 5 minutes, I asked the man if he could hold. I wanted to tell my friend on the other line that I had to call her back. I put him on hold and clicked over to the other line. “I’m sorry. I gotta go. This guy is talking my ear off.” To which HE replied, “Uhhh, still me.”