Eye Had A Bad Experience...

So I had an eye appointment yesterday. Every year, it seems my hubby’s insurance changes (with regards to dental/vision). I hate having to go to new doctors. I just hate it.

Anyway, I go to this new place and after I check in, I have to fill out the necessary paperwork. The dude who gave me the paperwork and pen was sniffling and coughing and obviously sick. Thanks, Man. Thanks a lot.

After about 10 minutes, the doctor comes out to get me personally. I found this strange. He was on the younger side, tall and goofy looking. No personality at all. “I’m Dr So-And-So” and that was it. I said, “Oh, it’s very nice to meet you.” NO RESPONSE. NADA

We get into the room and he sits down at his little desk and starts reading through my records. (FYI: I had asked if I should send my records ahead of time – so that they could read the records BEFORE I come – but they said no). So I got to sit there for 15 minutes while he read everything. It was lots of fun.

He comes over and starts doing the “Better 1? Better 2?” bullshit. He says they don’t do the eye poof test (for glaucoma) anymore and can he dilate my eyes? I said I guess so, but I was a bit nervous because I’d never had it done before. Then he goes back to look something up in my chart – my pressure or something. He was riffling through the papers and I asked him what was involved with the dilation. He says, very tersely: “I’M TRYING TO LOOK SOMETHING UP IN YOUR CHART!” In other words – shut the phuck up.

So he comes over with the drops and I warned him. I said, “I’m very bad with people putting anything near my eyes, so I just want to warn you –” and before I could even finish, he throws my head back, pries my eyelids open, and crams the drops in there. After the first one, my natural reaction was to close my eyes. He would have none of that! He immediately pries open my other eyelid and repeats his technique. Then he hands me a tissue. How kind…

I go to wipe my eyes, and there is this yellow stuff coming out of them. I FREAKED! I asked if it was supposed to be yellow, and I get a sarcastic, “yeeeeees.” Well, excuse me! What a dickhead! I told him I had never had this done before and I was freaked out. Good grief!

Anyway, he then puts in the SECOND set of drops, just as "gently" as the first and tells me to go out to the waiting room and pick out new frames. I asked if I should wear sunglasses or something and he says no.

I walk out to the waiting room and 1) I can’t see shit and 2) my eyes are killing me from the light. This woman comes over to help me pick out frames and I have to practically stand across the street to see what they look like in the mirror! I had to rely on her to tell me what they looked like. And here are some of the responses I got from her when I tried on different pairs:

“Oh no, those make your face look even rounder!”
“Those make you look really angry!”
“Oh no, those make you look like you’re tired!”
“Those just do NOT look good on you at all!”

Yeah, it was phucking great.

So I pick out a pair and go to pay for the glasses. I’m writing out what I THINK is a check. Still not sure about that – couldn’t see shit close-up. I go back over and sit down and wait to be called back in by Dr Charming.

He calls me back in, tells me to sit back, and forces open my eyelid and shines the brightest light in my eye whilst using this huge refractory magnifying glass thingy. No warning at all. Just comes right at me. AND IT HURT SO BAD!

Now, I’m sure lots of you have had this done before and it’s old hat. But I’ve never had it done and I had no idea what to expect.

Then he starts getting mad at me because he tells me to look to the left and the right. My eyes are tearing up and I’m unable to open up my eyes or to even see anything and he has the nerve to say “I said look left. This way is left” and POINTS. Points to the left like I'm a friggin idiot and I don't know which way is left!

I wanted to knock him into next Tuesday. I was so close to his junk – if I could have seen anything, I’d have punched him there! REPEATEDLY!!!

Next, he tells me that my pressure has gone up and that this is an indication of glaucoma and I’m borderline. I started to panic. "Should I be worried?!?!" “Just come back for yearly visits and we’ll keep an eye on it,” he says. Obviously irritated by me. Then, he hands me a Kleenex and tells me I’m free to go.

I felt like we had just had sex and he threw my clothes at me and told me to get out. I felt so cheap and used. It brought back some warm and fuzzy memories of my youth. Ah… memories…

Oh, sorry – where was I?

Well, after I put my clothes back on - er, um, I mean after I grabbed my purse and coat - I left that place and barely made it home (not a fun drive, People!). When I got home, I told hubby the whole story. He has opted to find another optometrist. I can guarantee you I will be doing the same in a year!

See ya, Never, Dr. Douchebag. SEE YA NEVER!!!!!!!!!

PS: the eye chart in the cartoon says -
I
Am An
Insane Eye Doctor
And I Am Going To Kill You
As You Sit There Reading This...