The Phase Out

I have this friend that I’ve known forever. Okay, not literally forever, but we did meet at work when we were 16. We went to different high schools and colleges, but stayed in touch. We each got married and each had a baby. We still stayed in touch.

We always go day-after-Christmas shopping. We always get together for our birthdays and our kids’ birthdays. We try to talk on the phone every week, but our lives are busy.

We have been growing apart for a while now. I have a happy marriage. She calls her husband “the asshole I live with.” I love being with my son. She calls her daughter a monster and picks up extra shifts at work so she doesn’t have to deal with her. She hates her house and is never there. I love my home and enjoy nights in, watching tv or just hanging out with my little family. She does EVERYTHING with her mother. I prefer to be with my husband and son.

We’re just completely different.

So all of a sudden, this year really, she’s been calling me less and less. At first, I admit it – I didn’t really notice. I mean, 2 weeks would go by and I’d think – oh, I didn’t talk to her last week. I’d call her and leave her a message. She’d call back and leave me a message. And so on. Then a month would go by and we hadn’t actually spoken to each other – only to our machines.

About a month and a half ago (or so), I sent her daughter a Valentine’s day card and then I sent her a card with Christmas pix I just got developed. A week went by. She never called. So I called to see if she got everything – she wasn’t home so I left her a message. A week later, she called back and got my machine. “Sorry I didn’t send [Boo Boo] a Valentine’s Day card. I’ve just had so much on my mind lately.” I thought maybe she was either a) pregnant again or b) getting a divorce. She sounded weird. I called her back the very next day and got her. She gets all pissy: “I’m just walking out the door.” WHY ANSWER THE PHONE, THEN? Anyway, I told her I was just calling to see if everything was okay. She said yeah. I told her to call me back when she could.

Another week went by. We finally hooked up on the phone. She was acting all weird again. I asked if everything was okay again. She said it was fine; it was just that her heat went out in her house that morning and she was waiting on the furnace guy to come and fix it. We talked for a little while, catching up on all the stuff we had missed out on for the past several weeks. She was telling me all about her daughter’s new friend and how she and her daughter and the friend and the friend’s mom all hang out together. They have play dates, and the girls are going to go to preschool together. Then she gets another call. She clicks back over and says, “It’s my mom. I gotta go. I’ll call you back.”

That was 3 weeks ago.

So I’m pretty sure I’m getting phased out. Frankly, that’s okay with me. It’s not that I don’t feel badly; it’s just that I have a lot of friends and she’s not the person I think of calling when I’m happy or sad or have big news. If we’re done being friends, that’s fine. I’ll close that chapter of my life and move on. I will occasionally look back on some good times with a smile, and life will go on.

I just think it’s funny because the most “ironical” part of this whole thing is the fact that she was always my annoying friend. A stalker, really. She would drive past my apartment and call and leave me a message saying “I know you’re there. I can see your car in the parking lot” and weird shit like that. She would call my house and I would beg my parents and then my roommates and now my husband to tell her I wasn’t home.

When I lived on my own, I got caller ID specifically because of her. I still use it now to screen her calls. She’s one of those people who you can never, ever get off the phone. So I have to set aside 90 minutes to sit on the phone and listen to her. Not even engage in conversation. Just listen. And oh my God can she talk. She just talks and talks and talks and talks.

And now, she is “dumping” me. ME! I guess that makes me the annoying friend.

The worst part is that her birthday is coming up. And I have all of these gifts for her. Do I return them? Do I hold on to them? If she doesn’t call me back in the next couple of weeks, do I call her to wish her a happy birthday? Or do I just send her a card and bypass the call? I really don’t know what to do.

I kind of wish she’d "Jessica Simpson" me and dump me on email. At least I would know it was over, and not just sit here like a dumbass wondering what the hell is going on.

The saddest part of all, really, is that I don’t have any desire to call her up and ask her what the fuck is going on. I don’t really want to beg for her friendship. I would be okay if it quietly ended and went away. I guess I just want to know one way or the other.

Time goes by, people change, the world goes on. Relationships come and go. I understand that. But for the love of Pete, can we just end it already? I mean, strap on a set and tell me it’s over. I really don’t mind! But seriously, can you hurry it up, because most return policies have a 30 day limit…