The Gunner, The Tapper, and The Over-Reactor

Our company has shuttle busses that take you from your parking lot to the actual place we work, which is a few short miles away. There are three drivers, in particular, who have such specific characteristics that I have accordingly assigned them the three names: The Gunner, The Tapper, and the Over-Reactor.

Let's start off with The Over-Reactor. Met him for the first time this week. Some of the newer busses have been equiped with the new pull-down flat screens that show company propaganda films. (To my boss: Actually, they're not that bad. I just put that in there for comic relief. Totally joking. I really quite enjoyed the film!)

Anyway, I sit down on the first open seat. I like to sit up front because 1) I'm one of the first ones to get off and 2) I get very car sick towards the back (see: The Tapper). So the bus comes up to my stop, and I rise out of my seat to exit the bus. Completely unaware of my surroundings and the new tv (that I just spent 10 minutes watching), I bang the shit out of my head on the screen. A loud bang ensues, followed by a collective "ooooohhhh" from the other passengers. Embarrassed, I yell: "I'm okay." At this point, I just wanted to get the hell off of that bus!

I'm out the doors and walking into the building when I hear, "Ma'am?! MA'AM!!!" Being that I'm only 31, I try not to respond to this ever. It makes me feel old, and when it comes from a man in his 50s, it makes me feel even worse. Nonetheless, I turn around and face the driver. I give him the 'You talkin to me' look. He says, "Could you please come back here and fill out an incident report? I really need you to write down what happened because you're not the first person to do this." I really did not want to do this. "I'm fine, really. It's not necessary" I say, through gritted teeth. I know the people on the bus are getting irritated, because now their entrance into the next building will be delayed while I fill out the stupid report.

I begrudgingly agree and fill out the stupid thing. Then, he hands me a brochure and says I have to call Transport and fill out yet another report. As if I'm not embarrassed enough! Fine. I agree to call the number and file another damn report. I did call Transport, who seemed a little irritated that I wasted their time, although I got the standard "thanks for calling" line at the end of the call.

For the above-mentioned reason, this bus driver will now only be known as The Over-Reactor.

Now let's move on the The Tapper. This woman gives new meaning to the term nausea. She does not drive the bus. No, she taps on the gas pedal repeatedly, causing it to jolt forward, slow down, jolt forward, slow down, etc, etc, etc. Not only am I ready to vomit upon exiting the bus, but I am also covered in my once full cup of coffee. She is by far the worst offender. Very nice lady. Just a horrible driver. I cringe when I see her pull up in the lot.

Our last driver is The Gunner. Younger guy who listens to "The Wave" a light-rock, muszac station that I'm pretty sure is not his choice. I peg him for hip-hop or reggae. Maybe even hard-core gansta rap. Cannot see him jammin to the musical version of "Fields of Gold" (by Sting) in his own vehicle. However, the dude totally jamms that shit. The volume is so high you can barely hear yourself think. Although it does cover up the loud bussy noises and that annoying woman in the back of the bus who has all the cutesy stories about her twins. Gag me. I have a child, too. And he's the most beautiful baby ever born and he does the most adorable things. But I don't force anyone within listening range to hear about him.

I digress. Okay, so let's get back to The Gunner. This guy loves to put the pedal to the metal, so to speak. He will ram his foot down on the gas and fly through the parking lot. Pedestrians, BEWARE! The Gunner will not stop for you, so get the eff out of his way!!

The funniest thing is that he is going through parking lots, on little side streets, and darting around construction sites. It's not like he's on the Indy 500. Although I think he is in training. He also refuses to pull up to the doors like the other drivers. With his 'screw you' attitude, he inevitably pulls up in front of a large puddle, a giant heaping pile of mud, or some other obstruction. It's really fun to maneuver your way out of his bus! Every day brings a new adventure.

Now, you're probably asking yourself why I don't just suck it up and hoof it. Well, my friends, the answer is simple: I'M LAZY. Plus, what would I blog about if I didn't have my gunner, my tapper, and my over-reactor? Life would be way too boring, and I am all about the drama! BRING IT!!!