Lo Lo Lova Tells It Like It Is

Motivational Poster

2008-10-23T04:53:00.000-07:00

John called me on my lack of blogging. It's only been a year, Dude, but whatever.

So I got this email about motivational posters and this one happens to be my fave. And quite frankly, you cannot ever overuse the word "douchebag" NEVER!

NICK SMELLS... PASS IT ON

2008-01-09T09:59:00.000-08:00

PRICELESS

2007-10-01T10:48:00.000-07:00

New passport to travel to Canada: $67.00 on debit Master Card

Beautiful Ontario Bed-and-Breakfast: $99 - 299.00 per night

Wine Tour in Niagara-on-the-Lake: $10.00 - 25.00 per bottle on debit Master Card

Getting your pregnant wife to drive your drunk ass back to the states after a long weekend of drinking: PRICELESS

New Product

2007-09-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

So Mel sends me this email:

i think she's lying.....and i think you are an @ss douche.

Here's my response:

Ew. @ss douche. I'd like to see the commercial for that:

Do you suffer from chronic swamp@ss?
Does your lover ask you to bathe before intercourse?
Well do we have the product for you!
@ss douche, by Menon

Now your @ss can smell like a bed of roses.
And your lover won't pass out when you rip off your undies
He (or she) can make believe you're on laying in a field of blossoming flowers instead of a pool of your own @ss sweat

So the next time you you have that not-so-fresh feeling in your rectal region, try @ss douche, by Menon

Your @ss will thank you for it!

College Daze

2007-08-15T13:50:00.000-07:00

So a coworker was discussing her daughter, who is readying herself for college. Her daughter is concerned because her new roommate is a big drinker and she (supposedly) is not.

It reminded me of a story from my college days. I was always a big partier, and never passed up a good time. But when I was at orientation, and we had to get up very early in the morning for entrance exams so I wanted to be well-rested to take a test that would dictate where I fell ni the grand scheme of things. Would I be in the advanced classes or the dummy ones? This was exceedingly important, and I was not about to phuck it up for one night of fun.

I got stuck with a random roommate who was a complete beyotch. The night before exams, I came back to the room and went to bed at a reasonable hour after studying. Around midnight, the door opens, and this hor comes in, turns the lights on, and tries "sneaking in" about 10 other people into the room for a party. Never asked me if I wanted to have a party or if it was okay. Just showed up, drunk and unruly.

I was so pissed off! So I got up after about a half hour of it and asked them to leave. After calling me a few unkind names, they left. A couple of hours later the roommate came back. My alarm clock was set for 6am. When it went off, the roommate was passed out in a drunken stupor. I got up, took a shower, came back in the room and got ready, unplugged that bitch's alarm clock, and headed off for the test.

Oh yeah, that's right. I unplugged her alarm clock.

About an hour into the entrance exam, she came running in to the room. She was still in her pajamas, hair a mess, and utterly disheveled. I looked up at her and smiled and went back to taking my test.

I never saw her around campus after that. I guess she didn't pass her test... Awww... too bad!

The Best Show on Summer TV

2007-07-26T14:40:00.000-07:00

So there is this new show on VH1 called "Rock of Love" with Brett Michaels, formerly of Poison. (or currently of Poison? I don't know). Anyway, it's a "Bachelor" rip-off of sorts, along the lines of "Flavor of Love" with Flava-Flave!

My man Brett has this house full of 21 skanks. I mean, we're talking strippers, exotic dancers, prositutes, and your basic hors. There are actually 2 hoes named Brandi - with an "I," a Krista, a Tawney, a Tiffany, and a Lacey, just to name a few. Each one is nastier than the next. Bleach-blonde, fake-and-baked, breast-implanted, venerial-disease-carrying, tattoed ho-bags.

So, at the end of the show, Brett has "back stage passes" to hand out to the girls he wants to take to the next round. He hands them the pass and asks the greatest, most romantic question a man could ever ask a woman: "Will you rock my world?"

Brett admittedly is looking for a skank who will let him phuck around, who will party with him and/or let him party with other hoes, and who won't tie him down. I really have no idea why he even has this show, but my guess is he will tap every ass on that set. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

One skank actually dry-humped the Brettster while he was trying to have a "meaningful" conversation with each pair of girls desperately wanting to get to know him better. (Yeah, cuz they're in it to find their true love, too.) One of the Brandis has this high-pitched whiney voice and she was all mad because Tiffany was dry-humping him when it was his time to talk to her and her BFF. So in order to get his attention, she borrowed someone else's bathing suit that was too small, and her boobs fell out. (I actually wanted to beat her to death with her implants because she was quite possibly the most annoying person I have ever seen in my life). So what I'm saying is that we're talking Emmy-nominated telivision, people!

Anywho, I think it airs Tuesdays at 9 on VH1. YOU MUST MUST MUST CHECK IT OUT. It is a phucking train wreck, and it is worth every delightful minute!! Enjoy :)

Weight Just a Minute...

2007-07-05T11:20:00.001-07:00

So admittedly, I’m not thin. I’ve never pretended to be. But recently, I’ve had some very harsh comments made – to my face – about my weight problem. Insensitive people never cease to amaze me.

For instance, once a woman at work asked me where I get my clothes because she thought I dressed very nicely. I told her I like Kohl’s and before I could finish my sentence, she interjected with “Really? You can find things in your size there?” Ouch!

hen, a few weeks ago we were getting tickets to a work-related function that included a free t-shirt. They were also selling extra tees that you could purchase for your spouses or whatnot. I was standing at the table holding up a 2X for my hubby. A woman comes over, sees me holding up the tee in front of me and says, “You know, we sell 3X too.” WOW!!

A couple days later, I was talking to another coworker who went to get a greasy burger for lunch. She said she was having a bad day and that it was helping her. I said, “As you can see from my figure--” And she interjected with: “You’ve had a lot of bad days?” Zowie!!!

Anyway, my husband suggested that we have t-shirts made with the slogan “Another bad day” – I'll take mine in size 3X please. But I was thinking, maybe this banner, stretched out over my ass, would be less subtle and more to-the-point??!!

HELP!

2007-06-20T11:34:00.000-07:00

When I was a girl, my mother was very ill with cancer. After she got better, she decided that the “poisonous” extended family we had was not healthy for her and we stopped calling them. My dad said that if they truly cared about us, THEY would call us. 20 years later, the phone still ain’t ringing.

When my mom was a kid, she and her brother were abandoned by their parents and after a battery of abusive foster homes; they came to live with an aunt and uncle and their children. My mom lived with her cousins and had a very sisterly bond with one in particular. But since she was still a part of the “poison,” and again made no effort to contact my mom after her cancer, their relationship fell into the huge family rift.

So, a few months ago, my mom was out and about and ran into this cousin from said- family. They got to talking and decided to exchange numbers. As it turns out, cousin is no longer speaking to her sisters, and barely speaks to her parents. She only does a weekly trip (to help clean the house, go shopping, etc.) out of a sense of familial obligation, since both parents are very ill and elderly. She made a promise to my mother that she would not tell any of “the poisons” that she was talking with my mom.

Now that my mom and her cousin talk every week or so and are becoming old friends, as if nothing had happened between them. My mom even met her children, who are now almost grown. And now, my mom’s cousin wants to “re-meet” me and meet my son.

I was 14 the last time I spoke with my mom’s cousin. I’m 34 now. So 20 years of my life have gone by. I’ve graduated high school, graduated college, gotten married, and had a child. And during the very hard times in my life and the very good times in my life, this person chose not to be a part of it all. But now she wants to come back in.

It’s not that I harbor any ill-will towards her, nor do I hate her as she seems to think. I just feel that I don’t have a place for her in my life. She is not someone that I really feel I would benefit from knowing. I can imagine her wanting to hang out all the time and become BFF like her and my mom. And I just don’t know if I am ready for that – or if I ever will be.

I keep putting it on the back-burner. I’m torn because aside from my mom and her brother (and his kids that I don’t really see), I don’t have any family. And it would be nice to have another family member be a part of my life. And what happened 20 years ago is history, right? I mean, she’s trying to make amends now. BUT… on the other hand, I’ve survived more than half of my life without her. And is there really a need to bring her back in and re-live a lot of old hurt? She didn’t do anything particularly nasty to me, but at the same time, she abandoned a young girl who really looked up to her.

My mother keeps calling me and bugging me about it. She prayed on it and feels like it was a sign from God that cousin needs to be back in her life and it is helping her heal. And cousin keeps bugging my mom that she wants to see me. And I just can’t decide. I keep telling my mom that I don’t feel like I need to heal. I closed that chapter of my life long ago, and came to terms with the fact that I’d never see those people again. But I don’t know, perhaps I do need to heal, too.

Or maybe I’m just being selfish – after all, if I invite her back into our lives, it would be another person to love the Boo Boo. And it never hurts to have people love you, right?

But what if, in a few years, she goes away again. Then I’ve just set my son up for disappointment and hurt. But maybe that won’t happen again because maybe she really has changed.

Or maybe a zebra never changes its stripes?!?!?!

That's Hot!

2007-06-13T07:57:00.001-07:00

Big Mistake. HUGE

2007-06-06T12:07:00.000-07:00

So this past weekend, I got my mane cut. Whilst in the chair, my hairdresser made a comment about all the grey. Now, I’ve been getting these, coarse, long, white hairs since I was 16. It’s all stress-related.

Anyway, I asked what I could do that did not involve me coming to see her every month and dropping $100+. She suggested L'Oreal temporary dye in medium brown. No highlights, no red, no caramel. Just brown, like my natural hair color. But not permanent.

Okay, so I went out and bought it. And last night, I decided to go for it. The first step in this ridiculously long process was to wet my hair, then I had to block my hair into 4 different sections, then I had put on the gloves (which had some sort of powdery substance on them that made my hands itch), and then I had to had to mix the shit up - oh my God the smell! - and apply it to my head.

So I applied the stinky stuff to my noggin, which took forever, and then had to let it sit for 15 mins and then rinse, and then I had to put on this conditioner, and then rinse again.

After my final rinse, my tub and sink were stained, as was my towel. And the odor was absolutely revolting. REVOLTING. RE-phucking-VOLTING.

Also, the "medium brown” looks black and very flat. I hate it! And on top of everything else, my scalp started burning after the dual rinse cycle.

Sooooo.... I tried to wash it out immediately. Twice. Then I came downstairs and hubby was like "oh man, that is pretty stron." So I washed again.

I actually woke up in the middle of the night because of the smell. It was so STRONG and so GROSS.

So this morning, I washed it twice more and put lots of jelly goop and hairspray and perfume in my hair. But I can still smell it.

OH THE HUMANITY!!! Dear God, the humanity!

Needless to say, this is my first AND LAST attempt at home coloring. From now on, I’ll just say – phuck it – and be the 30-something chick with the full grey head of hair.

THAT’S HOT!!!

The Cheese Stands Alone?

2007-05-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

Am I the only person left on this earth who still watches ER? I fear that I am. Did anyone see the season finale? I just had a chance to watch it yesterday.

IT WAS SHOCKING.

SHOCKING!!!

Just like every season finale of this show has been. I did scream "Oh My GOD!" when I saw this dude:

RRRRRAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!

Did anyone out there see this? Anyone??

I Know I've Said This Before... BUT I HATE PANTYHOSE

2007-05-25T11:54:00.000-07:00

So I am down to my final 2 pairs of pantyhose, and I just put a runner into pair 1 of 2 today. I have to go buy more and I'm so sick of throwing my money down the friggin toilet bowl.

Do you think this is for real? Do you think there really are pantyhose that don't run? Has anyone ever tried them? And if so, how much are they? Like $50? Seriously. I wonder how much??

But more than that, I wonder why this hairy-legged due is wearing a bracelet and pantyhose.

Dear Garfield, Odie Wants OUT!

2007-04-12T05:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've had this "best friend" since I was 17 - we're talking 17 years of friendship. She is a huge Garfield fan. I'm not. But anyway, we'll call her "Garfield" for obvious reasons.

So I posted about "Garfield" around Christmas time. She blew me off for months, and then when it was time to get gifts from me, she called and set up a time for us to get together and exchange. I wasn't going to do it, but I was feeling all in the Christmas Spirit and shit, so I agreed.

Well, we got together just after the first of the year and exchanged gifts. "Garfield" got stuff for me and the Boo Boo. I got stuff for her and her TWO kids. I sent "Garfield" a thank you card for my stuff and a thank you card to each of her kids from the Boo Boo. I got nothing back from her or her kids.

Then, I got some stupid Garfield email sent to me. I printed it off (she doesn't have email) and mailed it to her. I heard nothing from her.

Then, my husband's bday came and went. "Garfield" never sent him a card. This is my supposed BFF. No call, no card, no nothing. So I called her a few days afterwards and left her a vm asking how she was doing and mentioned how busy we had been celebrating hubby's bday and all. I heard nothing back from her.

Then, Valentines Day came. I sent VD cards to BOTH of her kids. I got nothing back from "Garfield" or her kids.

Then, St. Patrick's Day came. You know the drill.

Then, Easter came. You know the drill.

Then, "Garfield's" birthday came. I sent her a card. I called her on her birthday and left her a voicemail.

A few days later, "Garfield" called me back.

Okay, I'm not a friggin idiot. I KNOW SHE WANTS PRESENTS! 4 months come and go, and my so-called BFF does not maintain any contact with me. No calls, no letters, no cards, no nothing. But - hey - time for her to get presents and SUDDENLY she has the time to call me back?!?!

Well guess what? The joke's on her. BECAUSE THERE ARE NO PRESENTS. And you know what else? I'm not calling her back. At least not for 4 months, anyway!! I'm very busy, you see.

So, Garfield... Odie is done. I'm not stupid: After 17 short years, I've learned my lesson!!

So... Which One Is It?

2007-04-04T06:40:00.000-07:00

Seriously. Are you open or are you closed?!?!

For Kerri

2007-03-22T07:45:00.000-07:00

I Think I Broke My Ass

2007-02-21T07:18:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I was going down the stairs from the kitchen to the basement. I guess my socks were slippery, because I put my right foot down on the first step to begin my descent down the stairs, and the next thing I know, I had bypassed all 7 steps and landed square on my ass.

Now don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of padding on my big fat ass, but let me tell you this: IT HURT LIKE HELL. My poor little Boo Boo was freaking out saying, “Mommy, are you okay? Mommy, get up!” All I wanted to do was yell “PHUCK” over and over and over again, but I couldn’t. I also wanted to cry, but couldn’t do that either, for fear of scaring the crap out of my son.

Today my ass still hurts. Every time I sit down, it hurts. Ever time I get up from sitting down, it hurts. Every time I bend over, it hurts. Every time I walk, it hurts. But the good news is that my back – which I hurt shoveling the snow last week – finally feels better.

YEP, IT SUCKS GETTING OLD.

Happy Groundhog's Day!

2007-02-02T14:30:00.000-08:00

Phil's official forecast as read 2/2/07 at 7:28 a.m. at Gobbler's Knob:

El Nino has caused high winds, heavy snow, ice and freezing temperatures in the west.
Here in the East with much mild winter weather we have been blessed.
Global warming has caused a great debate.
This mild winter makes it seem just great.
On this Groundhog Day we think of one thing.
Will we have winter or will we have spring?
On Gobbler's Knob I see no shadow today.
I predict that early spring is on the way.

WOOHOO... Happy Spring :)

Friday Rant

2007-01-19T06:27:00.000-08:00

More things that piss me off:

People who wear flood pants. I mean, how do you not notice your pants are 4 inches off the ground? Do you try them on with no shoes on and peer forward and look down at your toes? STAND UP STRAIGHT. PUT YOU SHOES ON. LOOK IN A MIRROR. Is the bottom of your pant above your ankle? It is? Well you’re wearin floods and you look like a douche. Take em off!

People who are dealing with obvious mental illness (have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist with a certain disorder) and refuse to take meds for longer than half of one dose because of the side effects. I am not disputing that there are side effects, but sleepiness, feeling like you’re “under water” and/or having a bad dream is not a valid reason for stopping. Also, don’t say you “tried” it when you didn’t even take more than one pill. A real try constitutes at least a few days. Oh, and by the way, the consequences of being a crazy bitch are a lot worse than feeling tired. And you know what, you don’t even have a job, so you have all the time in the world to take an extra-long (longer than usual) nap. For those of you who know me, you know exactly who I’m talking about. Oh, and wash your hair.

When you ask someone for their phone number and the first number they give you is 1.
Like you’re such a friggin idiot that you don’t know to dial a phucking 1 to make a long distance call. Hey asshole, I live in the same state and the same country as you. I’m well aware that I have to dial a 1 if your area code differs from mine.

I saw a huge sign in front of a large office building that read: “Suite’s Available” What friggin moron made this sign? Just because you put an S on the end of something, it does not automatically mean you must put an apostrophe. God. Did you take 6th grade English? Seriously!

When I love a song but the radio stations play it every 15 minutes and after about 2 weeks, I totally despise said-song. Right now my favorite song is “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder. And if you ask me in two weeks, I can just about guarantee I’ll hate the shit out of it.

I hate people who drive 45 on the freeway. WHAT THE PHUCK ARE YOU DOING ON THE FREEWAY???? First of all, you’re a hundred and you shouldn’t even be driving. Secondly, you should be at home watching the news or something and not in the middle of rush hour traffic at 6:30am. I mean, I know it’s almost time for the early bird dinner special and all, but you really need to stay off the roads.

This poor kid who was kidnapped and held prisoner for 4 years finally comes home, and now his family is EXPLOITING him by taking him on various tv shows and having him “tell his story” which he doesn’t even want to talk about. Why don’t get reacquainted with your son first and get him to a psychiatrist so he can get help and get healed?!?! Tod in the movie “Parenthood” said it best: “You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.”

That's all for now. More later - without a doubt!

TGIF

I'm Back, Baby!

2006-12-28T10:25:00.000-08:00

So I was driving into work this morning and realized there are some things that require me to get back to blogging, on account of just how much they piss me off.

Here is the list of my complaints and various rants:

1) Just because you put on your blinker, it does not give you the right to come into my lane if I’m still there. Assholes!

2) If you are in a crowded store during the busiest shopping time of the year and you are irritated at the long lines and in a hurry to get out of the store quickly, that does not give you the right to knock into me, bump into me, hit me with your 50 shopping bags, or step on my foot WITHOUT saying excuse me. Assholes!

3) If you are working in a professional environment that requires a professional dress code, it does not give you the right to dress like a professional street walker, complete with stiletto-heeled hooker boots with S&M straps, mini skirts, belly shirts, and peek-a-boo blouses. Whores!

4) Just because you’re old, it does not give you the right to be crotchety. If you don’t want to be alive anymore, call Dr Kevorkian and leave me the hell alone. Assholes!

5) Why does everyone in the world have to get together for dinner to celebrate the holidays the entire week after Christmas? For instance, last night I meet the hubby and the Boo Boo at Red Lobster at 6:30pm for dinner. This is my VERY LAST CHOICE for a place to eat. I do not enjoy spending my meal having to sit in an odor reminiscent of a woman’s personal hygiene problem. But nonetheless, hubby got a gift card for Christmas and wanted to go. So we meet up there and it turns out there is a 45 minute wait… on a random Wednesday night at the “stinky restaurant” (as my son calls it). So instead of a tasty grilled chicken salad (I do not eat fish or seafood or anything that smells like crotch rot), I had a Whopper, Jr for dinner. Woo-freakin-hoo.

6) Just because it’s the holidays, it does not mean that TV shows have to take 2 months off and show reruns. I mean what the phuck? First, the seasons don’t even start until like October or November, then they take months off during the holidays, and then the series finales are in like, freaking March and April. That is such bullshit. Now an entire season of a show has like 20 episodes, and to purchase it on DVD, it’s like $50. That is such bullshit!

7) This morning on the radio I hear how Paris Hilton landed in Australia so she can ring in the New Year. As Mel said, “HOW IS THAT NEWS?” Exactly! What the hell? Who gives a rat’s ass? Except maybe the people in Australia who should promptly get the hell out of the country. My guess is you get syphilis just LOOKING at her…
Skank!

8) Just because your name is Ralph Lauren, it doesn’t mean you can charge oodles of money for a sub-par product. I am wearing this RL skirt today. Somehow, the inside lining ripped, split all the way up the back, twisted up inside the skirt, and subsequently pulled up the skirt as I was walking in to work today. By the time I got here, the opening in the back of my skirt (yes Mel, my “slit”) was all the way up to the bottom tip of my ass. You k now Ralphie Boy, I realize I have a lot of Junk in the Trunk. But a) I don’t need to be reminded of my excessive rear-end girth by making the inside lining split open and b) I don’t need to be showing my ass to everyone in Cleveland. Bastardo!

9) I phucking hate Band-Aids. You put them on, and after one washing of the hands, they slide off. So then you spend the rest of the day trying to slide it back on your finger whilst picking off fuzzies and other accumulations the damned thing picks up because it no longer sticks to your God-darned hand. And God forbid you try to take it off and refasten it. Fahgettabaddit!

10) Just because you have to get up early for work, it does not mean that you should skip bathing, pick up a dirty outfit off the floor, and roll into work looking like something that the cat hacked up. For the love of God and for the sake of your coworkers: TAKE A SHOWER. Filthy Hot Mess!

Well my friends, this is just a brief year-end round up of rants. I’m sure there will be more to come. There is no freaking way I’ve covered everything that pisses me off. Actually, this is more of a “things that piss today” list. So keep your eyes peeled. I’m back, Baby. And I’m more pissed off than ever!

Happy freaking 2007...

I Was Almost Killed This Morning

2006-10-06T08:13:00.000-07:00

By someone who looked like this guy:

At 6:30am this morning, he blew through a red light, of which he was completely unaware, and nearly plowed right into me on the driver's side. Most likely he was on his way home from lunch. You know - Early Bird Special...

Attention old guy who nearly killed me: You owe me a new cup of coffee, money for dry-cleaning, a new car seat, and a new pair of underwear.

A note to the elderly in general: PLEASE STAY OFF OF THE ROADS IN THE DARK.

A note to the DMV: PLEASE MAKE PEOPLE RETAKE THEIR DRIVING TEST AFTER AT LEAST AGE 70. PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!!!

Random Rant: THINGS I HATE

2006-10-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

PEOPLE I HATE:

And also...
Pedophiles
People Who Abuse Children
Men Who Beat Women
Homophobes
Racists
Murder-Suicide Committers (chickenshit sons-a-bitches!!!!!!!!)
Mother-in-Laws Who Think You’re Never Good Enough for Their Child
People Who Try To Tell You How to Raise Your Children
People Who Put You Down (in attempt to make themselves feel better)
Rich People Who Are Cheap (be generous and charitable, ya douchebags!)
People Who Are Rude (it’s not hard to say “thanks” or “please” or “excuse me”!)
People Who Drive Exceedingly UNDER the Speed Limit
People Who Ask Stupid Questions at Meetings and Prolong Them Indefinitely
People Who Push Their Religion on You
People Who Live in Proverbial Glass Houses and Whilst Throwing Big Ass Stones

FOOD I HATE:

Fish (oh the smell!!)
Seafood (oh the smell!!)
Mushrooms
Olives
Coconut (allergy)
Walnuts (allergy)
Lima Beans
Wings
Any Meat With Bones
Turkey
Veal
Pork (except pork sausage)
Italian Sausage
Steak (too much gristle)
Indian Food
Lebanese Food
BBQ Sauce
Hot Sauce
Anything Spicy

TV SHOWS I HATE:

P.T.I. (I can’t decide which guy I hate more…)
Mama’s Family (suddenly they are showing reruns)
Becker
Still Standing
The War at Home (this is a very offensive show!)
Judge Anybody (I hate all of those damn judge shows!)
Rachael Ray (pick any one of her 75 programs – I hate them ALL!)
Oprah (I’m sorry, but that woman thinks waaaaay too much of herself)
Maury
Jerry Springer
It’s A Big, Big World (kids’ show/that freaky thing sounds like he’s high as a mo-fo)

And...
Infomercials

What to Post... What to Post

2006-09-28T07:20:00.000-07:00

Since a certain someone has been houding me to post something, I've been trying to figure out what to post. I really have nothing to say. I am excited that "The Office" is on tonight. Tonight's episode: THE CONVENTION. Michael organizes a party in his hotel room when he, Dwight and Jan attend a convention in Philadelphia.

AWESOME.

Anyway, I didn't want this to turn into a blog that is about ONLY that show. So I did a little snooping around for something to blog about and found this little beauty:

ENOUGH SAID

Number Your Papers From 1 to 10

2006-09-22T04:53:00.000-07:00

Your mission was to watch "The Office" Season 3 Premiere last night:

As promised, here is your quiz:

1.Pam and Jim got married. T or F?
2.Pam married Roy instead. T or F?
3.Kevin’s band, Scrantonisity, played at the wedding? T or F?
4.Dwight cried because Jim quit the Scranton office. T or F?
5.The following person was forced out of the closet:
a)Angela
b)Oscar
c)Creed
6.Meredith finally joined AA and quit drinking. T or F?
7.Phyllis and Michael went to high school together. T or F?
8.Who did Michael make out with:
a)Jan
b)Kelly
c)Oscar
9.Ryan is still a temp. T or F?
10.Toby and Stanley admitted their affair. T or F?

BONUS QUESTION: What was the best quote of the night?

Okay, you have 10 minutes. Pencils up. You may begin.... NOW!

A Word of Advice to Celebrities:

2006-09-14T07:35:00.000-07:00

STOP DOING REALITY TV SHOWS WITH YOUR SPOUSES!!!
It only ends in divorce.
Think I’m making this up?
Here’s your proof:

Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown
REALITY SHOW: “Being Bobby Brown” (isn’t nearly as pathetic as being Whitney Houston)

Travis Barker & Shanna Moekler
REALITY SHOW: “Meet the Barkers” (and then meet their attorneys)

Carmen Electra & Dave Navarro
REALITY SHOW: “Til Death Do Us Part” (or not…)

Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson
REALITY SHOW: “Newlyweds” (and no further than that)

WHO'S NEXT? Certainly not Brit & Kevin. Their marriage is rock solid. Doubtful that it's going to Ozzy & Sharon. Don't think it would be the Hogans. Hmmm... who could it be??? Any takers?

No Contest

2006-09-06T15:19:00.000-07:00

Peanut Butter M&Ms

Kick Reese's Pieces' Ass!

Hands Down
No Contest
Case Closed

ET had no idea what the phuck he was talking about!

I'm Tired, I'm Crabby, And I Want To Go HOME!

2006-09-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

How Do You Walk With Balls So Big?

2006-08-25T09:28:00.000-07:00

Everybody has stolen something at some point or another over the course of their lifetime.

Think about it: Perhaps at school, you've stolen someone else's answers or maybe their lunch. Perhaps at work, you've stolen someone's ideas, stolen the credit, or even stolen office supplies.

Perhaps at the grocery store, you've stolen grapes that you ate, or a pop you were drinking that you forgot about. Perhaps as a teen, you stole a CD or DVD (although it could have been a cassette tape or 8-track or a VHS or Beta tape - depending on when you were a teen).

Perhaps you stole on a dare, or out of anger at a your boss, or without even knowing. Perhaps you did it to be cool, or because you had no money, or because you wanted to see if you'd get caught.

No matter what the scenario, I'm sure we've all done it - with or without realizing it - at some point in our lives.

But to steal from the Church? To take money FROM GOD? Now that's just ballsy and stupid. Apparently, THIS GUY and his friend worked together to defraud the Catholic diocese of more than $750,000. WOW.

Of course, everyone is guilty until proven innocent. But I ask you - does this look like the face of an innocent man?

I Have A Stiffie

2006-08-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

So for some reason, I wake up every freaking day with a stiff neck. I think it has something to do with my pillow. I keep going out and buying these contour pillows, each more expensive than the last, and after about a week, they stop working. I think the problem is my enormous head. Seriously, it weighs roughly 30 pounds, and it pulverizes and flattens the shit out of every pillow I have, to the point where it's like lying on a pancake.

Does anyone have a suggestion for a pillow that does not go flat? That helps with neck pain? That isn't $10,000? Because I would really appreciate some advice. My neck is friggin killing me. Hell, it's about to snap from the shear weight of my cranium as it is. And this pillow bullshit ain't making it any better.

HELP!

Take A Freakin Shower!

2006-07-26T12:38:00.000-07:00

So I'm totally disgusted by these men below. I have either heard that they are dirty or can just tell that they must stank by looking at them. I know a lot of women go ga-ga over these dudes, but for me, I cannot get past the odor. Now, get nekked, hop in the shower, soap up, and call me. THEN we can talk. No wait. Scratch that. Get nekked, call me, THEN hop in the shower and soap up.....

When Happily-Ever-After Fails

2006-07-20T11:57:00.000-07:00

Oh no, another hollywood divorce!!! Carmen & Dave, what happened to "Til Death Do Us Part?" You both still look very much alive to me.

And then, I heard the news that Christie Brinkley & Hubby #4 are divorcing, too. Wow, she was married to this last guy for 10 years. 10 years. Wasn't she married to Billie Joel for a quite while? And # 2 and # 3 for a long while, too? Man, just how old is she? 70??

But, on a happier note... Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting hitched. So there is hope after all! Love, sweet love! I'm sure those two kids are gonna make it!!!

DWIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

I miss you, Man!

Another reason to hate summer.... Hot, sticky, and no Dwight Schrute.

Time to Vote

2006-06-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, below are some people that I think look really hot some of the time and really ugly other times. What's your opinion? Do you think they are always hot? Always ugly? Half & half? Or maybe 60/40 or 70/30?? Enquiring minds want to know!

Here goes...

First off, we have Lee Ann Rhymes. Here she looks pretty good. But there's something about her nose or her eyes or her teeth. Can't quite put my finger on it, but sometimes I think she's not so hot:

Next is Sarah Jessica Parker. Here I think she looks great (better with bangs). But sometimes... not so much:

Here is "the greatest singer in the world," Celine Dion. A good picture, for sure. But with the short blonde 'do, she's not looking so hot:

And finally, here's the world's biggest skank. (When I googled her, got to see a shot of her crotch. After I cleaned up the vomit, I found this picture). Normally, about 90% of the time I think she's fugly. But this is a nice shot of her:

SO... What are your thoughts???

Later...

2006-06-14T14:39:00.000-07:00

Peace out, Homies. I'm on vacay. See you bitches next week! Me and the new do are outtie!

For Miss Wose

2006-05-26T06:41:00.000-07:00

To Brooke, Our TRUE American IDOL...

I haven't watched the show this season, but I heard this song on the radio and the lyrics made me think of that little boy you helped. I bet one day he'll sing this to you!

Lyrics to Taylor Hicks' "Do I Make You Proud"

I've never been
the one to raise my hand
that was not me
and now that's who I am

because of you
I am standing tall

My heart is full
of endless gratitude

You were the one
The one to guide me through

Now I can see
And I believe

It's only just beginning

This is what we dreamed about
but my only question with me now
do I make you proud

stronger then I've ever been
now

Do I make you proud
Everybody needs to rise up
Everybody needs to be loved

This is what we dreamed about
but my only question with me now
do I make your proud
(2x)

Stronger than I've ever been

Do I make you proud?
Do I make you proud?

Do NOT Even Start With Me

2006-05-25T06:45:00.000-07:00

God, I am so hormonal, it's not even funny. I have been on edge, irritable, and just plain pissed off for weeks now. When I was leaving work last night and walking to my car, some stupid bitch almost ran over me with hers. I actually chased after her on foot. I was yelling, "Hey Whore, Get Back Here!" I was literally going to kick her ass. I was so amped up, I could have done it with one hand tied behind my back.

I have been biting everyone's head off. At work. At home. Out in public. On the phone. My doctor put me back on the pill, and my hormones are just surging all over the place. I'm supposed to go back after 3 months of being on it, but I'm concerned I might be in jail before then for assault and battery charges. I'll finish up this month and if I still feel this way after I get my monthly visitor (can you believe I haven't even gotten it yet and I've been like this???), I think I'm going to take myself off of it.

People, I'm not even kidding you. I think my husband is afraid of me. I know my mother is. Years of pent-up frustration have come out in an onslaught of rage on her poor ass. Yeah, she's been getting the brunt of it. Not so good. Not so good.

Well, I'll keep you posted on my condition. Wish me luck. And for your own safety, for the love of God, DO NOT PISS ME OFF...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS???

2006-05-19T11:24:00.000-07:00

ACCORDING TO CCN.COM:

NEW YORK (AP) -- Britney Spears stumbled outside a Manhattan hotel, nearly dropping her 8-month-old son and further fueling the ever-growing media scrutiny of her parenting skills.

In photos splashed across the front page and inside the New York Post on Friday, the 24-year-old pop star is shown exiting The Ritz-Carlton hotel with Sean Preston in one hand and a glass in the other.

As her bodyguards walked Spears to her car, she stumbled -- her long pants apparently getting tangled in her open-toed shoes -- and bent low as Sean Preston's head flung backward, knocking off his orange hat.

Spears, though, was able to keep her balance and hold on to her son, with help from a bodyguard, who reacted quickly.

A call to Spears' publicist Friday seeking comment was not immediately returned.

The baby bobble was the latest public incident involving the safety of Spears' child. Earlier this week, she was photographed driving with Sean Preston in a car seat facing forward. Some safety regulations say children's car seats should face backward.

Spears, who recently announced that she's pregnant with her second child, was visited by a sheriff's deputy at her home in Malibu, California, last month after Sean Preston slipped from his nanny's arms as she was lifting him from a high chair and something in the chair snapped.

In February, authorities visited Spears' home after photos showed the singer in a car with her son in her lap, instead of being strapped to a car seat in the back seat. She first blamed pursuits by the paparazzi, but later said it was a "mistake."

Oops, She Did It... AGAIN

2006-05-18T05:52:00.000-07:00

Tod: "You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."

OR A MOTHER...

Look at that poor little baby! I can't believe his neck didn't snap. And I can't believe someone hasn't taken this child away from this FUCKING IDIOT. CHiPs said since no police officer actually SAW her do it, they can't do anything about it. Hmmm... does the same thing go for baby kidnapping? Assault? Murder?

And now this stupid whore is knocked up again? CHRIST! There is no justice in this world!!!

The Grass is Always Greener

2006-05-11T06:12:00.000-07:00

Last night Hubby was kind enough to cut the grass when I got home from work. As I've stated before, we have a HUGE yard. My son was entertained for the entire hour and a half it took Hubby to cut the grass. It was like he was watching TV or something. Everytime my husband would walk away and then loop around to do another row of mowing, Boo Boo would get so excited. He would point out the window, jump up and down, and say, "Daddy! Daddy! Cowking Gwass!" Like it was the first time he was seeing him. It was hillarious.

Sometimes, it's the little things in life that bring us the most pleasure...

The Farmer's Daughters

2006-05-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is my favorite joke of ALL time:

There was this Farmer who had 3 daughters that he was very protective of. One Friday night, all 3 daughters had dates. The Farmer sat in the living room, polishing his shot gun, waiting for the dates to arrive.

The first date knocks at the door and the Farmer and his shot gun answer. The young man says, “Hi! I’m Eddie. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?”

So the Farmer called Betty, and she left on her date.

The second date knocks at the door and the Farmer and his shot gun answer. This young man says, “Hi! I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re going to the show. Is she ready to go?”

So the Farmer called Flo, and she left on her date.

The third date knocks at the door and the Farmer and his shot gun answer. The final young man says, “Hi! I’m Chuck.”

So the Farmer shot him.

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYBODY :)

Eye Had A Bad Experience...

2006-04-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

So I had an eye appointment yesterday. Every year, it seems my hubby’s insurance changes (with regards to dental/vision). I hate having to go to new doctors. I just hate it.

Anyway, I go to this new place and after I check in, I have to fill out the necessary paperwork. The dude who gave me the paperwork and pen was sniffling and coughing and obviously sick. Thanks, Man. Thanks a lot.

After about 10 minutes, the doctor comes out to get me personally. I found this strange. He was on the younger side, tall and goofy looking. No personality at all. “I’m Dr So-And-So” and that was it. I said, “Oh, it’s very nice to meet you.” NO RESPONSE. NADA

We get into the room and he sits down at his little desk and starts reading through my records. (FYI: I had asked if I should send my records ahead of time – so that they could read the records BEFORE I come – but they said no). So I got to sit there for 15 minutes while he read everything. It was lots of fun.

He comes over and starts doing the “Better 1? Better 2?” bullshit. He says they don’t do the eye poof test (for glaucoma) anymore and can he dilate my eyes? I said I guess so, but I was a bit nervous because I’d never had it done before. Then he goes back to look something up in my chart – my pressure or something. He was riffling through the papers and I asked him what was involved with the dilation. He says, very tersely: “I’M TRYING TO LOOK SOMETHING UP IN YOUR CHART!” In other words – shut the phuck up.

So he comes over with the drops and I warned him. I said, “I’m very bad with people putting anything near my eyes, so I just want to warn you –” and before I could even finish, he throws my head back, pries my eyelids open, and crams the drops in there. After the first one, my natural reaction was to close my eyes. He would have none of that! He immediately pries open my other eyelid and repeats his technique. Then he hands me a tissue. How kind…

I go to wipe my eyes, and there is this yellow stuff coming out of them. I FREAKED! I asked if it was supposed to be yellow, and I get a sarcastic, “yeeeeees.” Well, excuse me! What a dickhead! I told him I had never had this done before and I was freaked out. Good grief!

Anyway, he then puts in the SECOND set of drops, just as "gently" as the first and tells me to go out to the waiting room and pick out new frames. I asked if I should wear sunglasses or something and he says no.

I walk out to the waiting room and 1) I can’t see shit and 2) my eyes are killing me from the light. This woman comes over to help me pick out frames and I have to practically stand across the street to see what they look like in the mirror! I had to rely on her to tell me what they looked like. And here are some of the responses I got from her when I tried on different pairs:

“Oh no, those make your face look even rounder!”
“Those make you look really angry!”
“Oh no, those make you look like you’re tired!”
“Those just do NOT look good on you at all!”

Yeah, it was phucking great.

So I pick out a pair and go to pay for the glasses. I’m writing out what I THINK is a check. Still not sure about that – couldn’t see shit close-up. I go back over and sit down and wait to be called back in by Dr Charming.

He calls me back in, tells me to sit back, and forces open my eyelid and shines the brightest light in my eye whilst using this huge refractory magnifying glass thingy. No warning at all. Just comes right at me. AND IT HURT SO BAD!

Now, I’m sure lots of you have had this done before and it’s old hat. But I’ve never had it done and I had no idea what to expect.

Then he starts getting mad at me because he tells me to look to the left and the right. My eyes are tearing up and I’m unable to open up my eyes or to even see anything and he has the nerve to say “I said look left. This way is left” and POINTS. Points to the left like I'm a friggin idiot and I don't know which way is left!

I wanted to knock him into next Tuesday. I was so close to his junk – if I could have seen anything, I’d have punched him there! REPEATEDLY!!!

Next, he tells me that my pressure has gone up and that this is an indication of glaucoma and I’m borderline. I started to panic. "Should I be worried?!?!" “Just come back for yearly visits and we’ll keep an eye on it,” he says. Obviously irritated by me. Then, he hands me a Kleenex and tells me I’m free to go.

I felt like we had just had sex and he threw my clothes at me and told me to get out. I felt so cheap and used. It brought back some warm and fuzzy memories of my youth. Ah… memories…

Oh, sorry – where was I?

Well, after I put my clothes back on - er, um, I mean after I grabbed my purse and coat - I left that place and barely made it home (not a fun drive, People!). When I got home, I told hubby the whole story. He has opted to find another optometrist. I can guarantee you I will be doing the same in a year!

See ya, Never, Dr. Douchebag. SEE YA NEVER!!!!!!!!!

PS: the eye chart in the cartoon says -
I
Am An
Insane Eye Doctor
And I Am Going To Kill You
As You Sit There Reading This...

I Heart TV

2006-04-21T12:46:00.000-07:00

TV SHOWS I WATCH AND THEIR STATUS FOR THE FALL LINE-UP

Shows That Were Renewed (YAY!!!):

● CSI (Awesome!)
● CSI: Miami (Not Bad)
● CSI: New York (Eh)
● Cold Case (Kick Ass!)
● How I Met Your Mother (Better With Every Episode)
● The Simpsons (Forever Awesome)
● Family Guy (Good Stuff)
● The Office (Greatest Show Ever Made - EVER!)
● My Name is Earl (I Love Randy)

Shows That Will Probably Be Renewed (Fingers Crossed!):

● Medium (So Cool)
● ER (I Still Watch – Don’t Know About Anyone Else!)
● Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (Welcome Back, Ty Pennington. Welcome Back!)

Shows That Are On The Fence (Oh Shit!):

● Scrubs – NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
● King of Queens – NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
● Girlfriends – Bummer
● Out Of Practice – It’s Been Getting Better, Too
● Yes, Dear – I Guess It’s Time For It To Go, But It Used To Be Really Funny

Shows That Have Almost No Chance (So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Good Night):

● Bernie Mac – That’s A Shame
● Four Kings – It Had Such Potential
● Joey – What Could Have Been...
● Fear Factor – Like A Train Wreck, I Can’t Look Away. And I'll Miss Joe's Biceps

I hate having to find new shows to watch! I get so attached to my stories. Damnit. I hate when my friends leave me... Why do they always leave me??!!??!!

Happy Easter

2006-04-14T15:48:00.000-07:00

HAPPY EASTER EVERYBODY!

See you next week

Peace out,
Lo Lo

Don't Be A Hater!

2006-04-07T05:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I haven’t ranted in a while. So you guys are in for an earful!

This morning, I’m listening to the radio and I hear that Mandisa got voted off of “American Idol” this week, which was a shock. And then I hear the reason why, and it’s an even bigger shock!

Apparently, she was being interviewed by “The Advocate” and she made some very ignorant comments, which I will sum up for you: She is religious, and therefore doesn’t believe in homosexuality and would not feel comfortable performing at a gay venue.

WOW

WOW

WOW

Well, I haven’t been watching “AI” this season, but I can guarantee you she wouldn’t have gotten my votes either!!

Anywho, the DJ made a comment about how Mandisa is a “Hater” and a “Hypocrite.” Apparently, Mandisa has been upset this season because she is heavy and Simon has been picking on her about her weight. And the DJ was saying that she is a hypocrite because she is upset about being discriminated against WHILE SHE IS DISCRIMINATING AGAINST OTHERS. I thought the DJ’s point was well-made and right on.

Of course, this sparked an onslaught of phone calls. And there was this one ignoramus, in particular, who was spouting off about how we have to give witness to these people and that the Bible forbids it and blah blah blah.

You know, this just really sticks in my craw. I love how these ultra-religious freaks go around quoting the Bible whilst condemning and persecuting others. Is that really what God wants us to do? Does he really want us to be this way?? It’s not our place to judge others.

Besides, the Bible was written how many years ago? Sure it references not laying down with another man but what about “an eye for an eye”? Does that still apply? How about sacrificing our children? We still allowed to do that? And we’re not supposed to work on Sunday, so does that mean that everyone who works at the mall on Sunday is going to hell? COME ON, PEOPLE. Give me a freaking break. The times have changed, you morons!

Then this other douche bag calls in and says that he’s very religious and that Mandisa didn’t say she hated gays. She said she didn’t feel comfortable around them and that just makes her honest.

Well, you know what? Hitler was honest when he said he hated the Jews. And murdred them because they weren’t white. And the KKK was honest when they said they hated Blacks and subsequently killed them. And I’m being honest when I say I hate these phuckers who go off half-cocked with their Praise-Jesus talk, and act the LEAST CHRISTIAN of any of us. After all, the Golden Rule is “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Treat others how you want to be treated.

I’m Catholic. Grew up going to Catholic grade school, high school, and even college. Church on Sundays and everything. And you know what? I don’t hate gay people. I LOVE THEM. I don’t know; perhaps I’m a little too close to the issue. I mean, I was “Grace Adler” before “Will & Grace” ever came on the air. I dated my Michael in high school. He came out in college. We lived together for 5 years. We are still best friends. He was in my wedding party. I was in his. He is my son’s Godfather, for crying out loud!

Shit, when I was in college, every time I turned around someone was coming out to me. I wore my title, “Fag Hag,” with great pride. Frankly, I could have started my own religion; I had such a huge following (LoLo Ron Hubbard???). The point is that everyone knew I was okay with it and that I embraced it. And I let them know that I was comfortable with it and that they could come to me. Because they were my friend before they came out. And they would be my friend after.

And to this day, I still have lots of gay friends.

And Black friends.

And Jewish friends.

And Arabic friends.

And skinny friends.

And fat friends.

And old friends.

And young friends.

And they were all born the way they are. And I love them all.

I am so tired of this fight!! It’s so ridiculous. I am so tired FOR everyone out there who has been persecuted, victimized, wronged, mistreated, and hurt BECAUSE THEY ARE WHO THEY ARE. I am so tired of ignorant people, afraid of others being different so they hate the others. It is just wrong. And I’m tired of it! It’s too bad open

We’re all different. That’s what makes the world interesting. Some of us are religious and some of us are not. Some of us are men, some women. Some of us like men, some like women. Some of us are white, some black, and all other beautiful shades of the rainbow of the races in this world. Together we paint the earth with gorgeous and vivid colors.

Why can’t we all embrace that? Why can’t we love our differences? And why can’t we all just get along?

The Phase Out

2006-03-17T05:07:00.000-08:00

I have this friend that I’ve known forever. Okay, not literally forever, but we did meet at work when we were 16. We went to different high schools and colleges, but stayed in touch. We each got married and each had a baby. We still stayed in touch.

We always go day-after-Christmas shopping. We always get together for our birthdays and our kids’ birthdays. We try to talk on the phone every week, but our lives are busy.

We have been growing apart for a while now. I have a happy marriage. She calls her husband “the asshole I live with.” I love being with my son. She calls her daughter a monster and picks up extra shifts at work so she doesn’t have to deal with her. She hates her house and is never there. I love my home and enjoy nights in, watching tv or just hanging out with my little family. She does EVERYTHING with her mother. I prefer to be with my husband and son.

We’re just completely different.

So all of a sudden, this year really, she’s been calling me less and less. At first, I admit it – I didn’t really notice. I mean, 2 weeks would go by and I’d think – oh, I didn’t talk to her last week. I’d call her and leave her a message. She’d call back and leave me a message. And so on. Then a month would go by and we hadn’t actually spoken to each other – only to our machines.

About a month and a half ago (or so), I sent her daughter a Valentine’s day card and then I sent her a card with Christmas pix I just got developed. A week went by. She never called. So I called to see if she got everything – she wasn’t home so I left her a message. A week later, she called back and got my machine. “Sorry I didn’t send [Boo Boo] a Valentine’s Day card. I’ve just had so much on my mind lately.” I thought maybe she was either a) pregnant again or b) getting a divorce. She sounded weird. I called her back the very next day and got her. She gets all pissy: “I’m just walking out the door.” WHY ANSWER THE PHONE, THEN? Anyway, I told her I was just calling to see if everything was okay. She said yeah. I told her to call me back when she could.

Another week went by. We finally hooked up on the phone. She was acting all weird again. I asked if everything was okay again. She said it was fine; it was just that her heat went out in her house that morning and she was waiting on the furnace guy to come and fix it. We talked for a little while, catching up on all the stuff we had missed out on for the past several weeks. She was telling me all about her daughter’s new friend and how she and her daughter and the friend and the friend’s mom all hang out together. They have play dates, and the girls are going to go to preschool together. Then she gets another call. She clicks back over and says, “It’s my mom. I gotta go. I’ll call you back.”

That was 3 weeks ago.

So I’m pretty sure I’m getting phased out. Frankly, that’s okay with me. It’s not that I don’t feel badly; it’s just that I have a lot of friends and she’s not the person I think of calling when I’m happy or sad or have big news. If we’re done being friends, that’s fine. I’ll close that chapter of my life and move on. I will occasionally look back on some good times with a smile, and life will go on.

I just think it’s funny because the most “ironical” part of this whole thing is the fact that she was always my annoying friend. A stalker, really. She would drive past my apartment and call and leave me a message saying “I know you’re there. I can see your car in the parking lot” and weird shit like that. She would call my house and I would beg my parents and then my roommates and now my husband to tell her I wasn’t home.

When I lived on my own, I got caller ID specifically because of her. I still use it now to screen her calls. She’s one of those people who you can never, ever get off the phone. So I have to set aside 90 minutes to sit on the phone and listen to her. Not even engage in conversation. Just listen. And oh my God can she talk. She just talks and talks and talks and talks.

And now, she is “dumping” me. ME! I guess that makes me the annoying friend.

The worst part is that her birthday is coming up. And I have all of these gifts for her. Do I return them? Do I hold on to them? If she doesn’t call me back in the next couple of weeks, do I call her to wish her a happy birthday? Or do I just send her a card and bypass the call? I really don’t know what to do.

I kind of wish she’d "Jessica Simpson" me and dump me on email. At least I would know it was over, and not just sit here like a dumbass wondering what the hell is going on.

The saddest part of all, really, is that I don’t have any desire to call her up and ask her what the fuck is going on. I don’t really want to beg for her friendship. I would be okay if it quietly ended and went away. I guess I just want to know one way or the other.

Time goes by, people change, the world goes on. Relationships come and go. I understand that. But for the love of Pete, can we just end it already? I mean, strap on a set and tell me it’s over. I really don’t mind! But seriously, can you hurry it up, because most return policies have a 30 day limit…

Beefcake Friday, Part 4

2006-03-10T11:01:00.000-08:00

Okay, so he's not the buff studmuffin I usually post. But this guy is so cute and so sweet and I HEART HIM.

Happy Friday Everybody!

Beefcake Friday, Part 3

2006-03-03T06:59:00.000-08:00

Mama said you knock me off my feet!

LoLo Loves Cool James

4-Eva :)

Happy Birthday to the Greatest Entertainer of Our Time

2006-03-02T14:03:00.000-08:00

Jon, You Rock My World!

We will always have the Rubber Bowl. Oh yeah, Baby!!!

Beefcake Friday, Part 2

2006-02-24T06:35:00.000-08:00

I will have me a big ole slice of this beefcake!! Not only does he have "winning smile," but he also has a "rockin' ass." And thank goodness he's not "a tubby and a tone-deaf." (anyone know what I'm referring to??)

Anyway... back to the beefcake. All I gotta say is:

YUM YUM, GIMME SOME :)

Get Out Your No. 2 Pencils...

2006-02-23T09:24:00.000-08:00

This is a test. This is only a test. It's actually an email I got. I was a 41. I guess that's good?

Anywho... Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a (allegedly) a real test given by the Human Relations Departments at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question.

Ready?? You have 2 minutes. Pencils up... and Begin:

1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon and early evening
c) late at night

2. You usually walk...
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you...
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, to uch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with...
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are...
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers

10 You often dream that you are...
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant

PENCILS DOWN!!!

POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10.(a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and venturesome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust In your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

OKAY - WHAT'S YOUR SCORE?

No Wire Hangers - EVER!

2006-02-22T12:06:00.000-08:00

Melanie and I work with this lady.

She may not have the same eyebrows, but the personality transplant was a sure-fire success.

We hate you, Mommie Dearest!

Beefcake Friday

2006-02-17T06:23:00.000-08:00

I will have a giant slice of this beefcake, please. And make it ala Mode!!!

"You Can Paint A Garbage Can Any Color, But You Open The Lid And There's Still Trash Inside"

2006-02-09T08:49:00.000-08:00

How about we take this baby away from this asshole and give him to someone who will actually take care of him, protect him, love him, and raise him right? Of course, because she's a "celebrity" nothing will be done about it, no charges will be filed, and no jail time will be served. If this was anyone else, justice would be served.

This poor child doesn't stand a chance. Piece of shit father, asshole mother. Poor baby!!!

Oh No... Not Again!

2006-01-26T10:17:00.000-08:00

What the FRICK? Another couple divorcing. Now Josie Bissett & Rob Estes (formerly of "Melrose Place" fame) are calling it quits after 13 years of marriage.

First Brad & Jen

Then Nick & Jessica

Followed by Tori Spelling & That Nobody

And Christina Applegate & Eyebrow Man

Now this??? "Jane" and "Kyle"... Damnit, I thought they'd be together forever!

Okay, so who's next? Care to make a wager? Will it be Britney & K-Fed? Whitney & Bobby? Or how about Tom-Kat? A divorce before marriage???? (Good call, Mel! But I think she may still be drinking the Kool-Aid! But I digress....)

Gentleman... and Ladies... PLACE YOUR BETS!

The Greatest Show Ever Made

2006-01-20T11:25:00.000-08:00

Okay, seriously, have you ever heard of a better show idea than next week's "The Office"? Check it out:

"THE CARPET" 9:30pm 2006-01-26 ALL NEW!
IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP - When someone soils the carpet in Michael’s (Golden Globe nominee Steve Carell) office, Michael begins to question his popularity with his staff. He temporarily takes Jim’s (John Krasinski) desk in the bullpen in order to bond with his troops - and initiates a sales contest to boost morale. Jim is forced to sit by chatterbox Kelly (Mindy Kaling), where he can’t make any eye contact with Pam (Jenna Fischer). Rainn Wilson and B.J. Novak also star. TV-14

Adrian Monk Is My Hero

2006-01-06T05:21:00.000-08:00

This morning as I was driving into work, I was listening to a copy of a CD that had really bad sound quality. So I kept turning up the volume. It maxed out at 38. WHY 38? Why not just round up to 40? I don't understand. It reminds me of that scene from "This is Spinal Tap." You know, the whole, "Yes but this one goes to 11."

Anyway, it was really bothering me that the volume level wasn't a nice, rounded off number. And it made me think about an episode of "Monk" that I just watched. This guy was doing sit-ups and stopped at 99. Monk talked the guy into rounding up to 100, because you can't just stop at 99. The guy ended up doing 101, and Monk went nuts: Oh my God. Now you have to do another 99!!

Most people probably laughed at his "reasoning." I, on the other hand, completely understood it.

So I decided to go to the USA website and take the "Are You Monk-ish" Quiz. I thought that there was no way I would be exactly like him. I mean, I don't wash my lightbulbs or put my doorknobs in the dishwasher. But I do consider myself a neat freak and a bit of a germaphobe (this last trait has only gotten worse since my son was born and we have to keep him from getting sick).

Anywho, I took the quiz and my results were as follows:

"Lo Lo, you are more Monk-ish than most. Wow! You're definitely more concerned with cleanliness and routine than the average person. This keeps you well organized, but your friends are probably making jokes behind your back. Take a deep breath, leave the hand sanitizer at home, go totally nuts, and actually step on the cracks of the sidewalk once in a while."

Whoa Whoa Whoa. Leave the sanitizer at home? First of all, I have sanitizer in every room in my house, in my purse, in my car, at my desk at work, etc, etc, etc. I never leave home without it! And, as for stepping on the cracks??!! No freaking way, Man! No way!

I like to be clean and organized. I like my house and my person to be neat. What's wrong with that? I'd rather be known as the Clean One than the Dirty Hot Mess! I don't think that's weird. And so what if I'm constantly straightening out picture frames and candles and knickknacks?? I like things orderly. I don't think that's weird. In fact, I think it's normal. And if you're sloppy, messy, dirty, unorganized, and then I think that you're NOT normal. That's right. I said YOU'RE NOT NORMAL! Hey, it's okay to be Monkish. In fact, it's fun. You should try it. Come on. You know you want to! It feels sooooo good!!!

DO IT
DO IT
DO IT

Oh, and one last thing. To all of you laughing behind my back: I'll be the one having the last laugh when I'm 115 years old and disease free. So there!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2005-12-30T11:10:00.000-08:00

KISSES TO ALL!

LoLo OUT... See you bitches next year!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

2005-12-23T07:57:00.000-08:00

Clark: "Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."

WISHING YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY HOLIDAY!!! I HOPE THAT WHATEVER YOU CELEBRATE, AND HOWEVER YOU CELEBRATE, THE MAGIC OF THE SEASON TOUCHES YOUR HEART AND BRINGS YOU GREAT JOY!!! TALK TO YOU ALL NEXT WEEK.

PEACE AND LOVE,
LO LO

We're Goin' Streakin...

2005-12-16T07:28:00.000-08:00

"True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend..."

5 Weird Habits

2005-12-15T06:51:00.000-08:00

My old buddy, Honkeie2, tagged The Muffinass with the old "Five Weird Habits of Yourself." I don't know how I'm going to narrow this down to only 5, but here goes...

1) My favorite snack is Reduced Fat Ruffles potato chips & muenster cheese. I have to eat them together. I have no idea where I came up with this concoction, but I freaking LOVE it. No other cheese will do. And no other chips.

2) When I talk to my husband or my mom, I always, always, always say "I love you" before hanging up the phone. If I get into a fight with one of them, before the day is over, it must be said. Life is short, you never know if you'll wake up tomorrow!

3) I always wear an undershirt under my shirt/sweater/blazer/etc. This is due to the fact that I have an unfortunate relationship with perspiration. Okay, I sweat like a pig. I'd rather stink up an undershirt that can be easily replaced than ruin a good top. Plus, it cuts down on T.H.O.

4) I eat french fries in even numbers. I always pair them off. I have to. If there is one fry left, I will leave it on my plate. Same thing goes for candy, vegetables, etc. Basically anything that you eat more than one of.

5) I don't make the bed. Considering what an anal-retentive neat-freak I am, this is quite out of character. But my philosphy is that it's just going to get messed up tonight, so why bother remaking it?

Okay, now I'm supposed to tag 5 more people to do this:

Mel
Brooke
Ubie
Nick
Dan

HAVE FUN, YOU FREAKS :)

I Admit It: I'm A Little Too Into TV

2005-12-08T05:37:00.000-08:00

Okay, so my husband thinks I'm "cute" because when I watch TV I get really involved in the program. I feel like these people are a part of my life somehow. For instance, on one of the best shows there currently is on television, "The Office" (NBC Tuesday Nights at 9:30pm), I totally want Jim and Pam to hook up. When I watched the Christmas episode on Tuesday and Jim put so much thought into picking out the perfect gift for Pam (a teapot) and filled it with "inside joke" presents, I was soooo pissed that Michael decided to have a "Yankee Swap" because he was unhappy with the gift he received. Someone stole the gift from Pam and she was forced to take another gift. My heart broke for Jim.

I yelled out, "Damn that Michael! He's such an asshole!! And poor Jim - he put so much thought into his gift." My husband thought this was hilarious. To him, it's just a tv show. But I get very involved in it. I do not know why this is. I'm the same way when I read a book or watch a movie. I just have always involved myself somehow and feel an attachment to characters. Perhaps it's because I'm an only child and I found friends in shows, movies, and books. I don't know. Perhaps it's because growing up I didn't have friends (yes, I was the unathletic, fat, nerdy kid that no one wanted to befriend ). I really cannot pinpoint what it is that draws me to these fake people. Whatever it may be, it's probably the same thing that compels me to never watch a movie where someone I love in a good-guy role is a bad-guy. (For instance, I cannot watch movies where Tommy Lee Jones is a bad guy because I love him too much in films where he plays a cop - The Fugitive, Men In Black, Double Jeopardy, etc).

Whatever the reason, I am admitting to you, my blogger friends, that I am a total dork. I hope that you can see past this and still love the Lova. I know we all have these deep, dark secrets. But at least mine isn't dressing up like a Star Trek character and attending the conventions....

So, what's YOUR secret?

Topless Friday: For Flan

2005-12-02T11:16:00.000-08:00

Hey, you said it had to be a woman... :)

Topless Friday

2005-11-18T05:52:00.000-08:00

Today is Topless Friday.

I have decided to include this picture for your viewing pleasure. I tried to insert it, but freaking blogger hates me. I tried to make it a link, but freaking blogger hates me. Unfortunately you will have to copy & paste it and hit enter - you know, do it the old fashioned way.

You may all make fun of me for having Marky Mark on my laminated list of hotties, but this is the reason why my obsession with him started. Ladies (and any of my gays out there), please enjoy:

http://www.davidtoc.com/ck/ckad.cfm?Ad_ID=31

Hamburger Helper

2005-11-11T11:32:00.000-08:00

So last night for dinner my hubby made Hamburger Helper. I cannot remember the last time I had Hamburger Helper! It got me to thinking about my childhood. Remember that slogan:

"Hamburger Helper Helped Her Hamburger Help Her... Make A Great Meal!"

There were so many catchy jingles from when we were kids. Which ones do you remember? It doesn't even have to be a song. It can be a catch phrase like:

"Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?"

"Ring Around the Collar!"

"Where's the Beef?"

Come on. Wax nostalgic with me!

"It was a complete and total Barf-O-Rama"

2005-11-09T12:16:00.000-08:00

So last night I put the baby down in his bed. As I was walking out of the room, I heard an all too familiar gurgling sound. And then it happened. He puked EVERYWHERE.

We had lasagna for dinner, and there was Ricotta cheese coming out of his nose. It was so gross. And stinky!

He kept reaching up for me from his crib, wanting me to pick him up. But I had to wash him off first. I yelled to my husband to get a washcloth so I could wipe off his face since Boo Boo had vomited. My husband, always a pillar of strength in a crisis, comes running into the bedroom with a roll of toilet paper.

After I talked him down, he finally got me a soapy washcloth and I undressed the baby and gave him a "bath." I was suctioning out cheese from his nose for the next 20 or so minutes. That was sooooooo much fun.

Anywho, after we stripped the crib, threw everything into the washing machine, and remade the bed, I was nervous to leave Boo Boo alone in his room for fear that he would hurl again. I stayed with him for a while. The minute I put him back in his crib, he rolled over and fell asleep. After about 30 minutes, I went into our bedroom and continued to watch the baby on our new video monitor.

I know my husband thought I was crazy for recently buying the video monitor (with night vision!), but to me it was the best investment I ever made. You can't put a price on piece of mind. But $79.00 works for me! Watching the baby sleep may seem a bit voyeuristic or somewhat overkill, but I have to say that it made me feel so much better to know that he wasn't choking to death in his sleep.

Plus, when he gets older, I'm TOTALLY keeping it in the basement when he has co-ed parties. I think I'll hide it on the mantle ala "Meet the Parents."

No, no. I'm kidding. I really don't think I'll WANT to know what REALLY happens. I was a teenager once. I think my mom would have had multiple strokes if she ever truly saw me in action.

Anywho, that was my evening. I could have been at the Bon Jovi concert. But nooooooooo....

Greetings from Dipsy PottyBoob

2005-10-13T11:02:00.000-07:00

HERE'S A SILLY EMAIL I GOT. MY NEW NAME IS DIPSY POTTYBOOB. NOW YOU TRY:

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first
name:

a = snickle

b = doombah

c = goober

d = cheesey

e = crusty

f = greasy

g = dumbo

h = farcus

i = dorky

j = doofus

k = funky

l = boobie

m = sleezy

n = sloopy

o = fluffy

p = stinky

q = slimy

r = dorfus

s = snooty

t = tootsie

u = dipsy

v = sneezy

w = liver

x = skippy

y = dinky

z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin

b = feather

c = batty

d = burger

e = chicken

f = barffy

g = lizard

h = waffle

i = farkle

j = monkey

k = flippin

l = fricken

m = bubble

n = rhino

o = potty

p = hamster

q = buckle

r = gizzard

s = lickin

t = snickle

u = chuckle

v = pickle

w = hubble

x = dingle

y = gorilla

z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt

b = boob

c = face

d = nose

e = hump

f = breath

g = pants

h = shorts

i = lips

j = honker

k = head

l = tush

m = chunks

n = dunkin

o = brains

p = biscuits

q = toes

r = doodle

s = fanny

t = sniffer

u = sprinkles

v = frack

w = squirt

x = humperdinck

y = hiney

z = juice

****************************
PLEASE INTRODUCE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!
****************************

I'm Back, Baby!

2005-10-13T09:18:00.000-07:00

So I'm back today, and so is Mel. She was out sick yesterday and on top of missing her, I was crazy busy. FEEL BETTER, MEL!!!

Among other things, my boss was making a video for a Japanese film crew yesterday, and I got cast a small part. I had to walk down the hallway, knock on his door, and introduce the crew. The first time they told us to wing it. Not a good idea. On the second take, I knocked on the door, by boss said, "Come in," and when I tried to open the door, it was locked. (I'm thinking this might make it to the "Bloopers Reel" at the end of the DVD...) Third take was a charm. Cut & Print!

The best part about the whole video, though, was that you never saw my face. They followed me from behind the whole time. So, I guess my ass is now famous in Japan.

I know, I know. I'm a celebrity! I will be signing autographs this afternoon in my Dressing Room between 3 and 4pm. From 2-2:55pm, I'll be in the Copy Room making 8x10 glossy copies of my now-famous tushy.

But don't worry my dear friends: I'll never forget the little people!

Rude People Piss Me Off!

2005-10-07T04:51:00.000-07:00

So I'm driving into work behind this slow-ass sonofabitch who is driving super slow in the fast lane. And I can't get around him. Normally I'd pass on the left, but this jackass is all the way left...

Anyway, coming up behind me like a bat of hell (No, it's not Meatloaf) is this bastard who gets right on my tail. I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO. I don't know what he wants me to do, but I cannot go any faster. If he's in such an all-fire hurry, then pass on the berm. Crimmeny! So he continues to inch closer, yelling obscenities that I can make out in the rear-view. Meanwhile, the guy in front of me is still coasting along at a solid 49mph. And now the bright headlights are blaring in my rearview, and I STILL can't go anywhere. So now I'm not only pissed off at the guy in front of me, but I'm reallly starting to hate the rude jerk behind me. I feel like I'm in the middle of an asshole sandwich. And frankly, I suppose I should thank the guy behind me for the free proctology exam, since he got so far up my ass!!

So I finally get out of that mess, and get into the parking lot and onto the shuttle with no problems (I know - I couldn't believe it either!) As I'm walking to my desk, I come into contact with about 4 or 5 people - all men. What I want to know is, when did it become okay to not be a gentleman? I guess chivalry is officially dead. I mean these guys about knocked me over, coming right at me. No "excuse me" and no letting the lady pass. Nope, just plowing through herds of people. They're in a hurry, so everyone else get the phuck out of THEIR way.

You know, I'm all for Women's Lib, but I'm also all for common courtesy. If I see someone who is elderly or has their hands full, I will ALWAYS get the door for them or move the hell out of their way. It's just decency, People! I am just getting so fed up with all the rudeness in the world.

I'm sure I sound like a broken records, but I just am so tired of people being discourteous, rude, and not having manners. I promise you my son will be one of the rare men out there who hold open the door for others, who helps someone in need, who says please and thank you, and who isn't an asshole. So for all of you out there with daughters, let me tell you that my son WILL be a gentleman, and if you are interested in an arranged marriage, give me a call.

Okay, so that's my rant for the day. I'm sure there will be more later, since it's not even 8am yet...

I LOVE BON JOVI!

2005-10-05T12:09:00.000-07:00

Can you see this picture? If not, I apologize.

I just wanted to say that I love Bon Jovi: The Man, The Band, The Music. Love it all; the whole package.

That's it.

Embarrassing Moments in the Life of LoLo

2005-09-30T07:01:00.000-07:00

So I was in my office doing some thinking. And by "office" I mean "bathroom" and by "thinking" I mean "pooping." Anywho, I was reminded of something that happened to me a few years ago, which was very embarrassing, and it caused a whole shload of embarrassing memories to come rushing back. So here are some embarrassing moments for you to enjoy at my expense:

When I was working several years ago at a college, we had recently received some bomb threats during finals week. So the college was cracking down on fire drills. Everyone had to evacuate the building within a certain amount of time and we were being monitored. So this one day, I was having some anal issues, and I had to use the restroom. I went down the hall to one of the more private bathrooms, where I wouldn't be disturbed. The moment I sat down, wouldn't you know it - the fire alarm goes off. I could not stop what I was doing. It was physically impossible. So I had to wait it out in the crapper. After the building was secured and everyone came back in, I made my way back to my desk. My boss comes over and starts asking my why I didn't participate in the fire drill and starts telling me that I could be punished for not complying with company policy. I then had to explain to him that I was unable to evacuate the building due to an explosive case of diarrhea.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I was running down the stairs to get to my class. My ankle twisted and I fell down the last few steps and landed on the level where the teachers’ offices were. The bell had already rung, and the place was vacant. I was unable to get up because my ankle hurt so much, so I laid there for a while until someone happened by to use the bathroom. She went to get help and the nurse came to check me out. I couldn’t walk all the way to the nurse’s office, so she needed to get some sort of aid to get me there. She came back with a dolly; you know, the thing you load boxes onto and wheel around. And I had to hold onto the sides of the dolly, stand on the small platform, and be wheeled from one end of the building to the other, by this little 4’10”, 95 lb. woman, who complained the whole time about how heavy I was.

When I was a senior in high school, I was running to a class I was late for. As I ran up the steps, I tripped and fell. I plummeted downward, bumping down each step, till I hit the bottom landing with a boom. Trailing behind me, softly floating downward, were the contents of my Trapper Keeper, which hit the floor and scattered everywhere. A lowly freshman saw the whole thing and helped me get up and reclaim the contents of my Trapper. After I was regrouped, he looked at me and said, “You know, you really should be more careful.” Yeah, thanks for the advice.

When I was a freshman in college, I was on my way down to the cafeteria. It was winter time and very slushy. The steps were very wet. I’m sure you know where I’m going with this one. I slipped on some slush and fell down the stairs. But the best part of all, was that the entire football team, fresh from practice, was in front of me. I slid into them and just about knocked them all down. Too bad I only got a spare. A perfect strike would have been nice.

When I first started dating my husband, I was over at his condo. He had to work 3rd shift, and we were leaving together. I walked out the back door and went to grab the railing to hold on to as I went down the 3 back steps. Only there was no railing, and I fell out of his condo into a huge patch of dirt and rocks. My jeans caught on the bottom of the screen door and ripped from mid-knee all the way up my ass. I was so humiliated! The sweet man that he is, he offered to call off work to stay with me because I hit my head pretty hard when I landed and he thought I might have a concussion. I ended up being okay, wounding my pride more than anything else.

When I was working at one of my old jobs, there was this really hot guy who was walking around the store. My friend and I spotted him and were fighting over who was going to marry him. We were standing there talking about him saying things like, “Funny, he didn’t mention YOUR NAME when we were out last night” and how hot he looked in his blue shirt and tan pants, with his soft brown hair and piercing blue eyes, etc etc. After about 5 minutes of discussing him in very specific detail, my friend had this really awful look on her face. “He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?” I said with a gulp. Yeppers. There he was.

When I was working at my current job, my boss was in his office asking if I could help him locate some important documents. We were lifting up all sorts of things, looking for these papers. On his desk was a salad and a small container of walnuts. I saw that the documents he was searching for was underneath the lunch he was eating. I was so excited to have found them that I squealed with pride, “Here they are, UNDER YOUR NUTS!”

And finally, THEE MOST EMBARRASSING THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME:

When I was at work one day, I was on the phone with a new coworker who was asking me a bunch of questions. I got a call on the other line and this customer had lots and lots and lots of concerns, questions, and whatnot. After about 5 minutes, I asked the man if he could hold. I wanted to tell my friend on the other line that I had to call her back. I put him on hold and clicked over to the other line. “I’m sorry. I gotta go. This guy is talking my ear off.” To which HE replied, “Uhhh, still me.”

More things that piss me off

2005-09-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

1) People who leave their children with creepy-ass mo-fo's like this guy: http://www.newsnet5.com/news/5031214/detail.html (sorry, don't know how to link) and don't realize he's a freaking wacko. Then, their children get raped and/or murdered. The dude was a "self-professed pagan friar" who ran a school from his apartment. You don't find that odd?

2) People who abuse their children, their significant others/spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends, or their pets. Whether the abuse be physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, or otherwise. Anyone who does this sort of thing - who preys on someone weaker than themselves - they are a worthless sorry-ass excuses for human beings. To all of those abusers out there: You're the load your mother should have swallowed!

3) People who use guilt as a way to hurt others or to make them feel constantly guilty. And the funny thing is, most of the people who do this (at least to me) are Christians/Catholics. Isn't that ironic? I mean, I'm sure back in the day that's the tactic Jesus employed. "Oh, Thomas, you doubt me? I died on the cross for you, Man! Why don't you just stab me in the heart already? Fine. No, really, it's fine. I'll be okay. I just believed in you your whole life and gave up a bunch of stuff for you. But, you know, whatever. It's cool."

4) People who are ignorant. You know, it's too bad closed minds don't come with closed mouths. I'm so sick and tired of people making ignorant, stupid, or racist comments. Enough already! We get it, you're an ignorant asshole. Here's an idea: How about picking up a book, reading the paper, or watching the news? Maybe you could learn something before you open your freaking pie hole and offend yet another person. LEARN SOMETHING... like the blissful peace of silence.

5) People who live by the philosophy "the squeaky wheel gets the oil." You know this jerk. They're the one who complains at restaurants, stores, or in your office. And they complain so much that you - the person who has patiently been waiting their turn - gets phucked because this SOB gets taken care of first. People just want to shut them up so much that everyone else gets the shaft. And then this phucker gets free stuff, the best service, their ass kissed, a raise, etc, while you sit idly by. Why not just bend over? Cuz this asshole is gonna screw you!

6) People who are rude. Why is it so hard to say "please" or "thank you"? I don't get it. It's common courtesy. Don't be a dick. If someone offers you assistance, does something nice, etc, say thanks. And if you need something, say please first. For crying out loud, my 14 month old is learning these basic fundamentals. Why can't adults?

7) People who don't bathe on a regular basis and who don't clean their clothes. You know who you are. The people who smell like dirty hair, ass, and B.O. The people who have messy hair and dirty faces. The people who have the same stains in the same spots on the same nasty clothes. We know you don't clean them. Stop saying you took them to the Dry Cleaner. YOU LIE! Take a freaking shower. At least every other day. And do a freakin load of laundry once in a while!! GOD!

8) People who put others down in an attempt to make themselves feel better. You know this jerk-off. They wear better clothes, drive a fancier car, have a more expensive house, and think they're better than you. So they have to poo-poo your house, your car, your un-designer clothes, etc. They look down their noses at you. And for what reason? Because you were born with money or married into it? How about sharing that wealth - giving a little back? You know, making a donation once in a while. Helping the less-fortunate instead of making fun of them. You people make me sick!

9) People who are hypocrites. For instance, the people who are anti-abortion but then MURDER a doctor who performs them. Uh, hello? You don't see this as wrong??? Or how about the people who make comments about the unwed girl who got pregnant - and yet they're having "pre-marital" sex, too, but just didn't happen to get "knocked-up." Or the people who pick on fat people, but have never exercised a day in their life or never watched what they eat. They've just been "blessed" with a fast metabolism, and I haven't. And then there's the people who say they're Christian and then persecute homosexuals. Yes, I'm pretty sure that's what Jesus meant when he said "Love your neighbor as yourself." It loosely translates to - you can love anyone who is white, Catholic, middle-class, and straight. But to hell with everyone else! Ah yes, the Golden Rule...

And finally, the last thing that pisses me off:

10) George Bush!!

And So You're Back... From Outer Space... I Just Walk In To Find You Here With That Sad Look Upon Your Face...

2005-09-28T05:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm not sure what the problem was, but my blogger was effed up! I'm guessing it was because of my last post. I got way too sentimental, and Blogger wanted to put a stop to it! So I'm done being all mushy. I apologize for my lapse in judgement. It won't happen again.

So today I almost bit it coming into work. Some bitch in her big-ass SUV hauled ass up along the right side of the Courtesy Shuttle Bus just as I was getting off. She came within about 3 inches of hitting me. And when I looked up at her, she wasn't even looking at me. She was looking to her right, where the doors were. Thank God the Bus Driver pulled up PAST the doors, or else I would have definitely been airborne this morning. And not in a good way.

Yes, that's always a good way to start the day. Get that adrenaline pumping, soil myself, and thank God I'm still alive and all. Yep. A great way to start the day.... Good times. Good times....

Happy Autumn!

2005-09-23T05:58:00.000-07:00

So today is the first official full-day of Fall. Autumn is my absolute favorite time of year! I love the smells in the air: the crispness, the changing colors of the leaves, and the fact that I get to pull my sweaters out of storage. My fall/winter wardrobe is so much cuter and cozier than my spring/summer wardrobe. Plus, Fall means that Winter is just around the corner. And although I don't love getting hammered with endless snow storms, I do love the first snowfall, snowball fights, snow angels, crackling fires, and the holidays. This, in turn, means that my favorite day of the whole year is just around the corner: CHRISTMAS. I love Christmas shopping, Christmas decorating, and the Christmas spirit.

My only wish is that people feel the true spirit of Christmas for more that just a few days a year. I wish we could all be a little kinder to each other all the time. I know that the holidays are not great for everyone. I know that a lot of people are sad, lonely, or missing loved ones who cannot be there.

But I do know that this year is going to be exciting for my son, who will be old enough to open his own gifts and get excited. My husband will probably have to work on Christmas, and I may be alone with my son. And that will suck. But we can pick any day and make it the special holiday. Boo Boo won't know the difference!

I hope that each of you is touched by the holiday spirit this year. I hope that you don't feel lonely. I hope that you are surrounded by the ones you love, and comforted by happy memories of the ones who cannot be there.

I hope that you are able to share the spirit and "pay it forward" so to speak. I know that each year my dad picks an elderly person or someone who is dining alone in a restaurant, asks the wait-person for their check, pays their bill, and then tells the waiter/waitress to tell the person that "Santa" took care of the tab. It may sound cheesy to you, but these random acts of kindness help to brighten someone's day. And the more you give, the more you get out of it.

So I wish you all happiness. I wish you all peace. I wish you a wonderful holiday season. I wish you kindness. I wish you joy. And I wish you a Happy Autumn, Mother Phuckers :)

Yet Another Email Between Mel & Lo Lo

2005-09-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

Today Mel and I had Subway. Yummy, Yummy Subway. I had the tasty veggie delight (actually, that's what I was charged for, but not what I got...oh well!) and Mel had tuna fish.

As I may have mentioned before, I do not eat fish or seafood of any kind. EVER. It's the smell thing I can't get past.

After lunch, Mel sprayed her lovely perfume. Being the pain in the ass sensitive type that I am, I sneezed almost immediately after the first poof.

So Mel sent me the following email:

"SORRY ‘BOUT THE PERFUME. FORGOT HOW SENSITIVE YOU ARE. JUST TRYING TO GET RID OF FISH SMELL!"

And I responded with:

"I’ll take that smell to the smell of rotting vagina ANY DAY"

Melanie told me that she wasn't even going to respond to my email. "You won," she stated with disgust.

Thank you - I'll be here all week :)

Happy Birthday to Ubermilf

2005-09-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, Ubie!

We all love you bunches!!!

Today we all celebrate the fact that you were born and the fact that we are able to call you "friend"!

Have a Supercalifragalisticexpealadotious Day!!

Love,
Lo Lo

SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN

2005-09-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

Ubi, How Could You? I finally was able to get on your blog, did a bit of reading from your posts while I was gone, and what do I find? You tagged me. How could you?

Okay, here goes…

7 Things I Plan To Do Before I Die:

1. Be a Grandmother
2. Celebrate My 50th Wedding Anniversary
3. Loosen Up
4. Drop a Ton of Weight
5. Get Back on an Airplane
6. Finish my Novel and Get it Published
7. Have One Completely Worry-Free Day! (thanks Mel, for pointing this out!)

7 Things I Can Do:

1. Make Kick-Ass Grilled Cheese Sandwiches
2. Make My Son Laugh
3. Protect My Loved Ones Like Nobody’s Business
4. Write Well
5. Type Fast
6. Bring Organization to Whatever I Do
7. Love Passionately, Deeply, Madly, and Forever

7 Things I Cannot Do:

1. Spell “License” Without Using Spell Check (I don’t know why!)
2. Eat Fish or Seafood – I Simply Cannot Get Past the Smell
3. Swim in The Deep End Of The Pool
4. Wear a Bathing Suit without Shorts
5. Lie Well (I’m Not a Quick Thinker When it Comes to Lying – I Get into Lots of Trouble This Way!)
6. Have an Affair
7. “Let it Go” (I am too emotional, too passionate, too guilt-ridden, and far too sensitive!)

7 Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex:

1. Sense of Humor
2. Nice Hands – I Don’t Like Wimpy Hands on Men with Long Fingernails – YUCK!
3. Genuine Smile
4. Kindness
5. Shyness – I Can’t Stand Cocky!
6. Masculinity – But Not Machismo Bullshit
7. A Shaved Head & Goatee (like my hubby!)

7 Things That I Say Most Often:

1. SON OF A BITCH!
2. Fuck
3. WHAT!!??!
4. What’s Wrong with You?
5. I’m Gonna Kill My Mother!
6. I’m Gonna Punch You in Your Asshole!
7. I Love You

7 Celebrity Crushes:

1. George Eads (Original CSI)
2. Mark Wahlberg
3. Jon Bon Jovi
4. Ty Pennington
5. LL Cool J
6. “Jason Morgan” from GH (his real name is Steve Burton, but I don’t like that as much!)
7. Kevin James

7 People I Want To Do This List:

1. Whoever
2. Would
3. Like
4. To
5. Do
6. It!
7. (I’m a little late!)

Your Mothers Should Be Ashamed of Themselves!

2005-09-09T06:46:00.000-07:00

So on my very long drive into work in the mornings, I encounter many areas where people are trying to turn onto the road I'm driving on. I ALWAYS let people in. I just hope that someday someone returns the favor for me. And every so often, it actually happens.

Well, this morning I let several people turn in front of me, and I even let one guy come over when his lane ended. NOT ONE SAID THANKS. I know I've blogged about this before, but it just makes my blood boil. It takes less than ONE SECOND to give the thank-you-wave. Why can't people do this? It's just common courtesy!

It's like people who don't send thank you notes. THIS PISSES ME OFF LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE! For instance, someone who I work with had a shower when I started here almost 4 years ago. I didn't even get to see her open her gift, even though I was at the shower. I was paged back to my office. But I know she got the gift.

She is currently divorced and married to someone else. I'm still waiting on my thank you note. I want to ask her every time I see her, "So, how's that Coffee Maker workin out for ya?" I'm sure she uses it every morning. How freaking hard is it to send out a thank you note?

Now, I realize I'm a bit over the top when it comes to sending out cards of any kind. That's just me. I know people make fun of me for it, but I'd certainly rather be known as the person who sends too many cards than the asshole who never sends one. My wedding thank-you's went out 2 weeks after the wedding. I did not want it hanging over my head.

One time someone told me, after I sent her a TY for a gift, "Your mother raised you right." Yeah, my mom told me that when someone gives you something, YOU SAY THANK YOU. It's not that difficult of a concept to grasp!

Oh, and there's also the other issue of someone else I work with who just got married. I wasn't invited to her outside shower or her wedding, but they decided to throw her a here, and I got invited to bring food and gifts. (Hey, thanks!) The shower was on a day I didn't even work, but I made sure I sent a gift ahead of time. This was several months ago. I see her every day. Do you know that she has not even ACKNOWLEDGED that I got her stuff? Hasn't even SAID thank you. Come on - send out a mass "thank you" email. Sure, it's impersonal, but it gets the job done.

It just makes me so angry!! At least say, "Hey thanks for my gift." You don't even have to tell me how nice it was for me to send a gift even though I wasn't at the shower! Just say "thanks," BITCH!!

Okay, I'm done ranting. Moral of the story: LEARN TO SAY THANK YOU! Is that so hard?

An email between Mel and LoLo

2005-09-07T11:36:00.000-07:00

SOMEONE GOT CALLED INTO THE PROVERBIAL "PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE TODAY. HERE'S THE EMAIL THAT TRANSPIRED BETWEEN MEL AND I:

LOLO: Hope he’s not getting ripped a new one.

MEL: I would love to be a fly on that wall…..

LOLO: Yeah, no kidding. Now my interest is piqued…

MEL: It is so cold in here my nipples are piqued.

***AT THIS POINT, WHEN THIS PARTICULAR EMAIL POPS UP, I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH A BUSINESS CALL. IN THE MIDDLE OF ME SAYING MY NAME, I LAUGHED OUT LOUD***

LOLO: You’re an a-hole. Now [person on the phone] thinks I’m one, too

MEL: I missed it. Did you laugh out loud?

LOLO: Oh hell yeah :)

MEL: That is awesome.

LOLO: Good times…

MEL: I totally can’t believe you laughed on the phone. I wish I would have witnessed that.

LOLO: Yeah… thanks again

MEL: Sorry, I won’t do it again. When you blog about it you can totally call me a jack ass.

***SO, MEL, I AM OFFICIALLY CALLING YOU A JACKASS, WITH YOUR PERMISSION, OF COURSE***

:)

Weird Things I Saw Before 7:30 am Today...

2005-09-02T04:59:00.000-07:00

So I'm driving in to work this morning and I passed "The Prancer." There is this very effeminate man who pounces up and down on his tippy toes whilst flailing his arms, bent at the elbows, in an upward and circular motion as he “prancess” through our town. He wears tight sweatpants, a "Flashdance" tank top, and a sweatband. My guess is he's gay. Although my gay friends would be APPALLED to be in the same category as this guy.

I had a good laugh and made my way on and off of the freeway with no real incident.
Then, as I was driving through the back roads to get to work, I noticed something else quite odd: A man riding a bicycle while talking on his cell phone. And the reason why I noticed him is that HE ALMOST HIT ME. He was riding in the street - you know, just next to the sidewalk - and since he was only maneuvering with one hand, he was swerving all over the freaking place. I just found it about as futile as the men who smoke while riding motorcycles...

Anyway, I park the car and get into the building and I see the male version of the Molly Shannon character on Seinfeld who didn't move her arms while walking. This man looked so awkward. He literally held his arms tight to his sides, while his hands moved just a tad while he was “walking.” How do you do that? Your balance must feel all askew. It was just weird. In my mind, I pictured him coming to my desk late in the evening and knocking everything off of it, ala Seinfeld...

So that was my early morning. I can hardly wait to see what the rest of the day has in store! I am aquiver with excitement :)

100 Things You May Or May Not Know About Me

2005-09-01T05:54:00.000-07:00

Okay Brooke, they say plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery. So here goes:

1. I was born on a Thursday afternoon in Euclid, Ohio
2. My oldest and dearest friend in the room was born on the same day
3. Our moms were roommates in the hospital
4. I'm an only child
5. When I was 2.5, I was attacked by a Siberian Husky
6. It was Christmas Eve
7. He bit me on the face
8. I still have scars on my cheek and nose
9. When I was younger, people would ask me if my nose was pierced
10. Nope, it's just where "Gus" sunk his teeth in
11. I'm still afraid of big dogs to this very day
12. My only friend in grade school was my friend from 8th grade
13. I was picked on relentlessly in back then
14. I was overweight and nerdy
15. One little bitch - I mean girl - nicknamed me "Laura the Loser"
16. That still hurts
17. When I went to high school, I decided to force myself to be outgoing
18. That was terribly difficult for me, as I am painfully shy
19. Most people don't know that I suffer from severe social anxiety
20. I graduated 5th in my class of 210
21. I even had my picture in the local paper
22. Big hair and all
23. When I was 18, I didn't want to go to college
24. I wanted to marry my boyfriend and have babies
25. When I did go to college, I worked full time
26. That's why it took me 7 years to finish
27. My husband and I both went to the same college
28. But we never met until after we both graduated
29. Even though we had the same group of friends
30. He is 9 months younger than me
31. We only dated for for FOUR months before we got engaged
32. Next Thursday is my 4 year wedding anniversary
33. My son is finally getting baptised
34. After a very long year where he could not go out in public
35. He will be 14 months old on this day
36. My son is my greatest accomplishment
37. My marriage is my second
38. Not killing my mother is third
39. She drives me crazy
40. But I love her dearly
41. My mom is Italian and my dad is Slovenian
42. So I'm cheap with a bad temper
43. Don't ever try to rip me off or you'll be sorry
44. My husband is a lot like my dad
45. I finally decided to stop dating assholes and pick someone just like my father
46. It has worked out very well for me
47. My husband is my best friend
48. My very good friend is gay and my ex-boyfriend
49. After he came out of the closet, we moved in together
50. We were just like a married couple
51. We fought all the time and never had sex :)
52. He's moved all over the world, and we are still super close
53. He's going to be my son's Godfather
54. And my son's Godmother is John's sister, who is a pagan
55. SHHH!! Don't tell the priest
56. My all-time favorite TV show is "LaVerne & Shirley"
57. Because I was an English major, I constantly find myself looking for grammatical errors
58. Truth is, I'm usually the one making them
59. I'm such a worrier that when I was 14 my doctor told me I was giving myself an ulcer
60. I'm so anal retentive I drive myself crazy
61. And my poor husband, too. But hey, he married me. So there!
62. When my son throws his toys all around the living room, it takes all I have not to pick up each one and put it away
63. My Dad used to do this to me when I was a baby
64. Which explains a lot
65. My Mom has a knack for saying things to me that have stuck with me my whole life
66. Like when I wore a dress on my 8th grade graduation day that was too tight (even though I promised her I'd lose weight to fit into it), she told me how horrible I looked
67. To this day I wear my clothes too big
68. Which she also comments on
69. Right now my Mom and I are fighting because she spoils my son and screws up his routine on the one day a week she babysits
70. I hung up on her yesterday without saying "I love you."
71. This is a HUGE no-no in my family
72. That'll teach her...
73. My dad is the funniest person I know
74. When I was little, I always thought he wanted a son, so I forced myself to love sports so we could watch them together
75. I love my father dearly
76. But my son is the most important person in my life
77. My husband and my parents tie for second place - although John is at the top of that list
78. We had 3 devastating miscarriages before my son was born... three months early
79. Although my husband wants to try for another baby, I just don't know if I can do it
80. My Mom begged me to never get pregnant again because both my son and I almost died the first time
81. I think she's afraid that if I died, my mother-in-law with move in with my husband and take care of the children - thus winning the grandmother-of-the-year competition :)
82. I have so many wonderful friends in my life
83. I wish I kept in better touch with them
84. Although I am the "Queen of Cards"
85. My one friend said that if I sneeze and someone says "God Bless You," that they can expect a thank-you card in the mail
86. When I die, I would like my tombstone to say, "I'm sorry I can't send you a Thank You card for visiting"
87. Sometimes I lay awake at night and obsess about death
88. I have realized that after being (almost) raped at 17, that I have gained weight so that I will never be that vulnerable and powerless again
89. I'll kick anyone's ass who tries to hurt my family
90. When my house is dirty, my life is in an uproar
91. I guess it's because cleaning my house is the only time I ever have control in life
92. Although I wish I didn't have to work, I really like my job
93. I take great pride in what I do, and I am obsessed about screwing up
94. I'm an overachiever
95. My poor son....
96. I hope I can be a good mother and never give him complexes or make him feel bad about himself; I just want him to love himself and have confidence
97. My son is the strongest person I know
98. It scares me that I am responsible for molding and shaping his life and helping to make him a good person
99. I hope he doesn't turn out as screwed up as me
100. But I'm afraid he has no chance of that...

Something else I'm missing

2005-08-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

Today my husband is taking my son to the zoo for the first time. And I'm going to miss it :( His friend, who has free passes, is taking his son, and all 4 boys are meeting up there. I'm so disappointed that I won't be there to experience the first time my son sees animals and watch his reaction. Don't get me wrong, I think it's wonderful that my husband is so involved. I'm glad that he and his buddy will be hanging out and that my son is able to interact with other children. I just wish I could be there. That's all I'm saying...

I'm going to find the inventor of pantyhose and KICK HIS ASS

2005-08-24T13:37:00.000-07:00

So I bought a $6.00 pair of pantyhose and I've had them on for less than 12 hours, and they just ran. I am so sick and tired of pantyhose!! They are so expensive to purchase, but so cheaply made. I cannot find pantyhose that do not run after 1 or 2 wears. And they always run in different places, so I know it's not just me. Sometimes it's at the toe, sometimes on the knee, sometimes in the "crotchal" area, and sometimes in other places. I'm sick of it. I spend so much money on these freaking things and they always end up letting me down!

Sometimes I see adds in catalogs for pantyhose that are "guaranteed not to run" but they're like $50.00. Is it worth it to spend that kind of money in order to gain piece of mind? Today I wasn't even doing anything. I was just phucking sitting at my desk and I could feel the little bastard running down my leg. DAMNIT! Mitch Pantyhose, I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!!!!

I did it!

2005-08-17T07:03:00.000-07:00

You will all be happy to know that Lo Lo and the Melanator went out on Friday night. Mel graciously agreed to drive so that Lo Lo could get ripped.

Although the night started out a little rocky (ie: the party being outside on the patio and it was 90 freakin degrees and thinking we got Z lost) and ended a little shaky (getting lost and perhaps witnessing a robbery??), we ended up having lots of fun.

Lo Lo had THREE beers. And boy was I ever ripped. But it felt so good. I cannot remember the last time I was tipsy. It's been years. YEARS, PEOPLE.

I'm pretty sure I embarrassed Mel randomly throughout the night. Hopefully she got a kick out of seeing my tightass self unwind a little. I rarely let loose like that.

Mel, thanks for a great evening. It's so rare that I'm out with friends and not wishing that I was at home spending time with the fam. But for the first time in about 5 years, I didn't even think about going home. I only had to check my watch because I had to get home in time to relieve my husband, who had to go to work.

All in all, I'm pretty proud of myself for (a) having more than one beer (b) not passing out and (c) making out with Mel.

Yes, it was the perfect evening. The only thing missing was a good fight. But that will come in due time, my friends. In due time...

Remember When...

2005-08-12T07:15:00.000-07:00

Remember when you just turned 16 and couldn't wait to drive anywhere and everywhere? For hours and hours? And you could put $5 of gas in your car and be set for the whole night?

This morning I cursed my car, the traffic, and the fact that I have to drive at all.

Remember when you could go out all night every night of the week and party like there was no tomorrow? And you didn't care if you missed class or had to called off your crappy part-time job?

Last night I couldn't wait to get home and go to bed.

Remember when you used to complain because you'd get home from school at 3:00 and had to do an hour of homework?

Now I just try to make it out of work before dark.

Remember when you were mad because you had to spend a few hours doing homework over the weekend?

Now I try to cram in housework, yard work, laundry, grocery shopping, and quality time with my husband and son - all in a very short 48 hours.

Remember when you would spend hours and hours on the phone with friends, talking about anything and everything, and your parents would yell at you to get off the damn phone?

Now I pray that the phone doesn't ring at night because I spend all day on the phone at work, and it's the last thing I want to do at home.

Remember when all you could wish for was getting out of school and moving out of your parents' house so that you could be an adult and do whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted?

Now I long for the care-free days of youth, where I had minimal responsibilities, free room and board, a home-cooked meal every night, and all the money I had was spent on whatever the hell I wanted buy.

So my big question is this: What the hell happened to my youth? I woke up one morning and I was old. A responsible adult with all of these responsibilities. What happened to that fun girl who was always the life of the party? Why does she now long for the nights where she can go to bed early? Why does she dream of the days where she can just sit around in her pajamas and not have to do a damn thing except watch movies or take naps? How did this happen to me?? It's like I went from 16 to 60 in one fell swoop.

I'm very sorry. Today Lo Lo is just feeling a bit nostalgic. But don't get me wrong - I love my life! I love my hubby and my son! I know I've strived all along to get to this point in my life. I guess today, I'm just feeling a little blue thinking about what used to be.

On a happier note, tonight Mel and I are going out for the first time in a very long time, and I'm planning on getting wasted, getting into a fight, getting kicked out of the bar, and making out with someone. Just for old time sake. I can't wait to come home, $60 dollars poorer, with a massive headache, and no recollection of what I did over the course of the evening.

Fasten your seatbelt, Melanie. It's going to be a bumpy evening. YEAH BABY!

Okay, who am I kidding? I'll have half a Bud Light, get all giddy, and fall asleep at the table.

Good times, my friends. Good times....

If one more person tries to open the door while I'm in the bathroom...

2005-08-10T10:59:00.000-07:00

.... I'm gonna punch them in their asshole!

Get Your Hands Off My Baby!

2005-08-10T04:57:00.000-07:00

So now that the little one is finally allowed to go out, we have been trying to take him out a few times a week. We don't want to overdo it.

Yesterday, we went on a tour of the Lake County YMCA Dream House. It's $12 a ticket, and you get entered into a drawing to win a $450K house. We decided to go together as a family.

We were having a great time and just about to leave when this little old lady walks up to us and asks how old the baby is. We tell her he just turned a year. "Oh bless his heart" she coos. And then she jolts forward and grabs his face with her hands.

Now, I don't know where her hands have been. They could be filthy. You just don't know. What if she went to the bathroom and didn't wash her hands? What if she just shook hands with someone who was filthy?

You know, we took all of these precautions for over a year to protect our little preemie, and this old coot could have undone it all in one fell swoop.

I wish I could hand a sign around my son's neck that says "Do not TOUCH the baby!"

I really don't know where people get off touching strangers' kids. I would never touch someone else's baby if I didn't know them. EVER. Even before all of this happened with our son. And now, even with friends' kids, I always wash my hands (or Purell) before doing so. There are so many germs on our hands. And when you touch a baby, they immediately put everything in their mouths, so they are basically eating your germs.

I guess I'm over-reacting a little bit. I know the lady meant no harm by it. She was just wanting to be sweet, I'm sure. But it's just really awkward. I certainly couldn't bust out the wipes and wash his face in front of her. I'm sure she would have been totally offended.

But all I'm saying is: Keep your hands to yourself. If I don't invite you to touch my child, DON'T. Is that so wrong??

Rite Aide, Part Deux

2005-08-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I walked over to Rite Aid on my lunch break. My son had a diaper rash and I called the doctor today and was given a laundry list of things to pick up. I decided to get all of it and return the lipsticks while I was there.

I managed to find 3 of the 4 things I needed. The last product was no where to be found - I scoured the baby section and the medicine section twice. The pediatrician's office said it was over-the-counter stuff, so I thought I'd head to the pharmacy to see if they could point me in the right direction.

I get over there and wait for the woman behind the counter to finish reading her magazine. I get a "help you?" I asked her if she knew where the LOTRAMIN was. I told her I looked all over for it (baby aisle, med aisle, etc). She asked me how to spell it. I told her I wasn't exactly sure, I just had it written down phonetically.

So mid conversation, this big dude walks over and stands right next to me and, after pulling down his sunglasses to the bridge of his nose, says, "How you doin?" RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SENTENCE. I just looked up and smiled and said "fine, thanks" and continued on with my conversation.

In hindsight, I'm pretty sure it was Heavy-D. I should have asked for his autograph! Damnit!

Anyway, the woman comes out from behind the counter and proceeds to lead me on a wild goose chase. Mind you, she has a gimp leg, so it was a slow chase, but a chase nonetheless. I wanted to say, "Walk this way" ala I-Gor from "Young Frankenstein." But I behaved.

So we get to the lotion aisle and she picks up a bottle of LUBRIDERM and hands it to me. I told her that I didn't need hand lotion, I needed something for diaper rash. She tried handing it to me again, so I showed her the paper. "No, LOTRIMEN. For diaper rash." I get an "Oh."

So we saunter on over to the baby aisle. "I don't see it," she says. She's looking up and down the aisle, and I'm following her like a jackass. Then, she says, "excuse me." I thought I was in her way. I moved back. She proceeded to walk down the aisle and disappear. Do I follow her? Are we looking down another aisle? Is she coming back? I'm so lonely...

After a few minutes, I realize she's not coming back. So... I head back to the pharmacy. I'm waiting in line to be helped, and out of the corner of my eye, I see Gimpy heading back to the pharmacy. Oh crap! I'm praying that one of the other 10 people back there ask to help me before Gimpy gets back. Just in the nick of time, an actual pharmasist asks if she can assist me. In two seconds she tells me it's in the first aid aisle - Aisle 9 - on the right. Sure enough, there it was. Turns out it's for jock itch. Weird. But it's definitely the right product. Finally, I head up to check-out.

Once again, I could not get out of that place fast enough. I high-tailed it back here to my desk, where Mel awaited to hear the drama. Because she knows that wherever I, drama finds me.

I would like to give you all my solemn vow that I won't set foot in that place again... unless there is an absolute emergency. And even then, I might have to weigh my options!

Why Me?

2005-08-05T05:14:00.000-07:00

So last night I decided to run into the drug store across the street from work to pick up a few things. It's not in the best area, so I just wanted to get in and get out without incident. Yeah, right...

I walk in the store and I'm there all of 3.2 seconds, when this filthy man in a wheel chair with a pic line still taped to his arm, rolls up to me and says, "Excuse me, do you know where they keep the air fresheners?" What The Phuck???!

I told him that I was sorry, but I don't really know where anything is because I don't normally shop there. He just sat there, looking up at me. I wanted to say, "Actually, why don't you forgo the air freshener all together and head directly to the soap aisle? Cuz, dude, you smell like ass!" But I didn't. I just smiled and wished him luck and finished my shopping.

I got up to the register and this creepy middle-aged dude with a big furry mustache was ringing me out. He was making idle chit chat, which I just pleasantly nodded along with. I pull out my credit card, he asks credit or debit, and then I slide it through the little machine on my side of the counter. My name pops up on the screen, and nothing else happens.

"Do I need to do anything?" I ask, innocently. "No, no. You just sit back and relax, and I'll take care of everything" he cooed. Just then, I got the shivers and threw up a little in my mouth. I could not get out of there fast enough!

The worst part about it all is that when I got home, I realized that I got ripped off. The "Buy One Get One Free" lipstick rang up regular price. I wasn't paying attention at the store, due to the weirdness that surrounded me. So now I have to go back there and return my lipsticks. And, as you can probably imagine, I am so very eager to get back there....

I don't know what it is about me, but any freak, weirdo, psycho, oddball kook within about a 30 mile radius, is somehow drawn to me. Stuff like this happens to me all the time. At my old job, I traveled all the time. We would go out to bars in a group, and the weirdest, creepiest freaks would always single me out and approach. Homeless men would hit on me, men who didn't speak English, old dudes, drunken fools, and the list goes on and on. I have so many stories I could tell you, but you'll have to wait and read the book.

Anywho, Mel suggested I go back there today on my lunch break, so as to avoid another incident. I will keep you posted on what happens THIS time around. Wish me luck :)

What has 8 legs, a furry body, and fangs?

2005-08-04T05:16:00.000-07:00

....This ENORMOUS tarantula-like spider that was in my bathroom last night. This this was so big, it's body was about the size of a half-dollar. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING!

Okay, so I went into the bathroom last night to brush my teeth, and something caught my eye in the mirror. This frickin thing was on the wall behind me.

The baby was sleeping and so was my husband. It took everything I had not to scream my head off. I dropped the toothbrush and toothpaste and hauled ass outta there. I had to wake up hubby and have him kill the tarantula. I do not kill big bugs. Little ones, yes. But not tarantulas.

Hubby grabs a kleenex and I told him he might want something a little stronger. So he grabbed two. I was thinking a gun would work better, but we don't have one in the house...

My husband went in and shut the door. He took care of business. I don't know what he eventually killed it with, but I did hear a flush. Maybe a paper towel? I don't think 2 kleenex would have done the job. Regardless, I'm sure that sucker didn't die without a fight.

Afterwards, I was in bed and the sheet touched my hand and I jumped about a foot. Hubby started yelling at me, "you're freaking me out!" I couldn't help it. I totallly had the shivers and could not fall asleep, thinking Tarry Tarantula came with friends or layed eggs or something.

Needless to say, it was a rough night and LoLo did not get a lot of sleep. I am TERRIFIED of spiders - giant spiders - that can bite. They are so gross. I'm also freaked out about wasps/bees/hornets and snakes. Basically, anything that can bite and/or sting which could potentially kill me or someone in my family.

My uncle was once bitten by a brown recluse spider and almost lost a body part. And I'm so allergic to everything, I'm sure one bite would be the end for me.

Anywho, this morning I'm in the car driving to work and I thought I saw a spider. I freaked out so bad that I spilled my coffee all over my cream blouse. In other words, I'm a little jittery and I'm not having such a good day. I called hubby and made him promise to call Terminex today and have them make a STAT trip to the house.

Man, I never thought I would hate living by the lake. But they sure do grow some big ass mothers out there!! [insert whole-body shiver here]

Being Bobby Brown Isn't So Bad, It's that Whitney Houston Bitch I'd Worry About

2005-07-29T04:49:00.000-07:00

So last night I get home from picking up the baby at my parents' house and I'm feeding him. As he drifts off to sleep on my lap, I'm flipping around the tube. I turn on "Being Bobby Brown." NOTHING ELSE WAS ON.

I always thought that he was a piece of trash wife-beater and never cared for him. After seeing 15 minutes of this train-wreck, I realize that he's totally normal compared to his psychopath skank-ass-ho of a wife. She was totally strung out and just plain nas-tay! What a total bitch, too. Wow. She is out of her mind. What happened to that sweet, pretty girl who once belted out the high notes like nobody's business? Wow. She is a HOT MESS. I actually feel sorry for the dude. And frankly, I'D like to beat her!

I don't know if what really happens behind the camera is any different, but if it's true reality, she beats the living crap out of him and verbally abuses the shit out of him. She is a hardcore beeeyatch. And I'd like someone from Child Services to watch an episode and rescue those poor kids. Especially the one that Whitney treats so poorly.

Well, as My Gay would say, "You can paint a trash can any color, but you open the lid, and there's still trash inside."

The moral to this story: Money can buy you everything... but class.

My Bachelorette Party & A Case of Imodium

2005-07-28T09:34:00.000-07:00

Melanie is planning her sister's Bachelorette Party and it got me to thinking about mine. We decided we are going to blog about our respective BP's. Here's how mine went:

A group of us got together down at TGI Friday's in the Flats (Downtown Cleveland). The plan was to have dinner and then hit the bars. There was this friend of my husband's who hated my guts. She used to pal around with John before I came along (even though she was married) and call him her "back-up husband" - you know, in case her real husband ever "died in a fiery planecrash" or whatnot.

Anyway, once I came along, I "stole him away from her" and she made me aware of it every time I saw her. Before this had escalated to the point of mutual hatred, we asked her and her husband to be in the wedding party. Naturally, she was invited to the bachelorette party. Naturally, she made a comment about me taking away her best friend and effing things up.

I was a nervous wreck: uncomfortable, angry, and ready to kick her ass. But I didn't want to cause a scene or get kicked out of the restaurant. I just wanted to let it go and try to have a good time.

My body, on the other hand, decided to further torture me with a scorching case of diarrhea. Yes, I had the hershey squirts at my bachelorette party, and the feeling hit me just as I put the first bite of my dinner in my mouth.

I spent the next HOUR in the crapper... you can guess what I was doing. Luckily, my one friend had some Imodium with her. It took about an hour to finally plug me up. After that, I was not in the mood to party. My ass hurt, I was totally embarrassed, and I wanted to go home.

I sucked it up, though, and we went on with our night. I didn't feel much like drinking after that. I did have one beer, though, to try and make myself feel better. It didn't really work.

The one fun thing about the night was that EVIL BITCH left early and my good friend had made a grab bag full of 25 or so things that I had to pick from and complete before the night was over. She also bought me a mini polaroid that took mini pix and a scrapbook to go with it that would record my evening.

Each time I reached into the bag, I would pull out something that said, "you must walk up to a random guy and ask him for a condom, telling him you are stocking up for the honeymoon" or "you must go up to a hot guy and tell him you're getting married but ask for his number just in case it doesn't work out", etc. It was fun, and each time I did one of the dares, they would take my picture documenting it. Then we would take the mini polaroid (which printed sticker pix) and stick it in the scrapbook.

It was an idea I had read about in a magazine and suggested to my friend that it sounded like fun - just in passing. She totally ran with the idea, made a kick-ass scrapbook, got me a cool camera, added her own flair to the night, and made a memento I will treasure forever.... Along with my new-found friend, Imodium.

Oh and ps: Evil Bitch is no longer a part of our lives.

Why Do I Have To Work?

2005-07-28T06:23:00.000-07:00

Aside from the socialization and monetary aspects, I see no real benefit of working. Being on vacation for 11 days made it very hard to come back here. True, I like my boss and most of my coworkers. True, I need the money. But it's also true that I would like to win the lotto and not have to work again. It would be awesome. I would love to be with my son 24/7. I would love to be with my husband, too.

We could travel. I would get my own jet, though. Maybe then I wouldn't be so afraid to fly. And I'd have my personal physician on board to shoot me up with some vallium. I'd hire a personal chef and trainer so that I could get thin. And I'd even airbrush my abs on like Mariah Carey did.

So that I wouldn't be bored, I would buy this old abandoned hotel downtown (by Channel 5) and turn it into a homeless shelter that I would oversee. And I would start a Deer Rehabilitation Center (see my earlier post about the baby deer) and be involved in that as well.

I would hire a personal tutor and teacher for my son, who would travel with us wherever we went. I would buy my husband the Porsche he's been wanting, and I think I'd get that Lexus SUV. And I'd buy the baby one of those kick-ass Jeeps that they have for kids so he could tool around in that.

I'd buy my own county. And only let my family and friends live in it. I'd buy them all a house. But I would have a private tunnel under our house (like a Bat Cave) where we could escape when the in-laws come knocking on the door. "Sorry, you JUST missed them," Jeeves would say.

Yes, I think I would very much like winning the lotto and not working. How would you all like to live in my county? LoLo County, Ohio. And I could name all of the streets cool things like, "Real Friends Road" and "On-The-Bubble Boulevard" and "His- Side Circle." It would be great.

Alright, it's settled. I'll be winning the next Mega Millions. See you on "All-Bloggers Avenue."

5 More Q&A

2005-07-15T12:26:00.000-07:00

QUESTIONS FROM MEL:

1. If you could live anywhere in the world (and not have to fly to get there), where would it be?

This probably sounds corny, but I'd still live where I live. Just in a much newer, nicer, and bigger house. I love our little town. I love being 30 mins from Cleveland, and just 1 minute from Marc's (discount kick-ass store), Giant Eagle, every fast food place you could imagine, 2 awesome parks, Blockbuster AND Hollywood video, and several gas stations. It's so convenient. Not quite the country, but not the city, either. I love my friends and family too much to move away. Yes, I'm a dork.

2. What is your absolute dream job?

Remember that woman who used to be on the local morning news shows who would answer questions about what was going to happen on your fave soaps (Linda Somebody)? Well I'd like to do that. Or, have my own organizational/decorating show. No wait. I don't want to be on tv. I change my answer to: novelist. That's always what I've wanted to do. Or perhaps professional blogger. No, wait. I'VE GOT IT: STAY-AT-HOME-MOM. Yeah, that's it!!

3. I know you love your parents very much. However, if you could pick anyone in the world to be your mom and dad, who would it be and why?

I would pick Sue and Gary. I know that sounds cheesy, but as much as my parents (mostly Mom) drive me crazy, I couldn't imagine having anyone else do their job. Plus, I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for them. And wouldn't you miss this quirky, guilt-ridden, sarcastic, anal-rententive, meticulous neat-freak who sometimes makes you laugh til you pee?

I would have loved to have Marilyn Monroe as my aunt, though, and James Dean as my uncle. That would be awesome! Sad, but awesome!

4. Who is your fantasy man?

Okay, my husband is. He's awesome. I love him very much. But I know you are probably tired of these "lame-ass" answers. So I will give you my top 5 laminated list of guys I would totally (and am allowed to) "do": Mark Wahlberg, George Eads (from CSI), The guy who plays "Jason Morgan" on GH, Bruce Willis, and (Stone-Cold) Steve Austin. Well, it's not actually laminated. In fact, it changes daily. But today, that's my list.

5. Name the one T.V. show you could absolutely not live without.

This is tough. We usually have the tv on a lot at our house, and I watch lots of stuff. I never actually get to watch anything from start to finish because of the baby. But that's another blog.

I like a lot of HGTV and TLC shows. Mostly makeover and remodel stuff. And I love General Hospital (as you probably already know). I'm a huge "King of Queens" fan, I'm currently hooked on "Hell's Kitchen," and I love "Will & Grace." But I also love "CSI," "Extreme Makeover: Home Addition," and "Scrubs." But I guess if I had to pick my favorite, right now it would have to be "Monk." I really love that show. I'm totally into the detective thing and trying to figure out who-dunnit before he does, but mostly I can relate to his obsessive-compulsiveness. Most people watch that show and can't believe he does what he does; they think he's crazy. I watch it and say, "what's wrong with that?" I think he's perfectly lovely!

10 Questions... 10 Answers

2005-07-15T10:45:00.000-07:00

QUESTIONS FROM BROOKE:

1. You have just won a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world. Where would you go and why?

I do not fly. I used to be terrified of flying. Then I was on my honeymoon in Canada, going to fly to Vancouver, and 9/11/01 happened. From that day, I have vowed to never fly again. However, if I ever did get the courage to fly, I would go to Italy and see where my ancestors and my husband's ancestors came from.

2. If you could guarantee world peace by posting naked pictures of yourself on the internet, would you do it?

World peace would occur with simultaneous world vomiting. But yes, I'd do it.

3. What is your guilty pleasure? (besides blogging!)

Collecting things. Like shoes, DVD's, and jewelry

4. You are the new character on General Hospital. Who are you and what is your deep dark secret?

My name is Lily Farquar. My dark secret is that I was Jason Morgan's sex slave for 10 years. I live in his basement.

5. Describe a perfect day.

A perfect day is when both myself and my husband are not working. My son decides to sleep past 7am. We spend the day together. The sun is shining. We take a walk up to the park. We pack a picnic. In the evening, my son takes an extra long nap and my husband and I snuggle on the couch a watch a movie. That night, I go to bed early and sleep for 12 uninterrupted hours. I'm sure hubby would like some nooky, but it's my fantasy, and I'm tired :)

QUESTIONS FROM UBI:

1. What Disney villain creeps you out the most and why?

I'm not totally up to date on my Disney movies. But I'm sure in a year I will be! Right now my son is entertained by General Hospital. Sidebar: I cannot stand Helena Cassidine because she's had so much plastic surgery it looks like she's had a stroke. Also, she does not know how to hold a gun properly. She looks like an ass clown. I'll have to get back to you about Disney - ask me in a few months!

2. What is your favorite cleaning product(s)?

I LOVE to clean. I know, I'm a freak. I used to be totally into Oxyclean, but I got over that real fast. Currently, I'm obsessed with Lysol (or chlorox) wipes. But I also fell in love with ZAP! when I was cleaning off our outdoor furniture. Oh, and I just got the new Mr Clean Magic Reach instrument for the shower, and that is great (thanks Mel! - I got it with my Target gift card she got me for my bday)

3. How did your husband propose to you?

I came home from work one day. I opened my apartment door and there were a dozen roses on the table. There was also a note pad. The first page said "WILL" the next page said "YOU" then "MARRY" and "ME." Taped to the last page was the ring. My husband was no where to be found. I walked down the hall and there he was, sitting on my bed, waiting for an answer. He thought I was going to say no, so he hid. About an hour later, he had to go to work. He worked back-to-back doubles the whole weekend. So we really didn't have a chance to celebrate. But, at least I got a great story out of it, the note to put in my scrap book, and an awesome husband!

4. What is your favorite Popsicle flavor?

Cherry. And that is my favorite flavor of just about everything, exept douche.

5. You have to pull a Halloween prank on someone. Who is it and what do you do?

Boy, I'm no good at pranks. I guess I would do it on Mel's boss, since he is always picking on me. What I would do is place a flaming bag of dog poo outside of his office door. That will teach him I'm not "sensitive"! Of course, I'd probably end up being the one to stop it out....

I forgot what I wanted to blog about

2005-07-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

This morning I had a great idea for a post. Then I got busy at work, and the thought went straight out of my head. I swear, this old age thing is kicking my ass.

Over the weekend, we put up a 9' by 9' gazebo on our back patio, and it just about killed me. My husband thougt it would only take 2 hours. 10 hours later, I was still working on it. It was about 90 degrees outside, and I was bent over (no comments from the Peanut Gallery, please!) for a few of those hours, cleaning off all of the gross backyard furniture that had nasty shit all over it. I used an entire bottle of "ZAP" on the 4 chairs, big table, and 2 side tables and a roll and a half of paper towels. And from being hunched over for that long, I could barely move my legs the next morning. They were all quivery and achey. Oh, and because it was so hot and I was so sweaty, I had to burn my clothes. Plus, I broke out in some sort of rash on my chest. What the fuck is that all about? I never used to be this way. Old age sucks!

And, on top of everything else, I keep forgetting shit. Oh, and the worst part about getting old is that I keep on forgetting shit. Oh yeah, did I mention the worst thing about aging? Hey, wait a minute. Where am I? Who are you? What happened to my pants?

All By Myself

2005-07-08T07:11:00.000-07:00

If you have ever seen the movie, "Half Baked," there is a scene where Harlan Williams is singing this song in the shower in prison, and then he drops the soap. It's hillarious.

Anyway, I'm all by myself today. I'm missing my partner in crime, Melanie. She's off looking at new houses. And I'm sure she slept in. And I'm sure she's not even THINKING about work. But I'm blue without her. It's quiet, and that's weird. I have no one to complain to, and I'm lonely. Her boss is out and my boss is not currently in his office, and her chair is empty. So it's really kind of sad.

Being an only child, I'm used to entertaining myself (nothing dirty!), so you'd think I'd be okay on my own. But I guess that now I'm married and have a son, I'm not used to being all alone. It's weird. And I don't like it one bit!

The only plus side is I'm getting LOTS of work done. But that's not really a plus....

If I knew there would be tests, I never would have signed up for this

2005-07-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

Everyone keeps tagging me to blog about answering these 5 questions, and then removing this name, adding that name, putting down more names, etc, etc, etc.

Well, I'M NOT DOING IT.

Oh, alright. I'll answer the 5 questions, but I'm not going to make anyone else do it. Thanks Ubi, Brooke, and John. And I'm sure Mel would have tagged me, too, if they hadn't already done so.

The 5 things I miss about childhood:

1. The lack of responsibilities. Remember how you couldn't wait to be a grown-up so you could live by your own rules? Well how come no one told me that I'd have to pay a mortgage, an electric bill, a gas bill, a waste disposal bill, a telephone bill, a cell phone bill, credit card bills, etc, etc, etc.?? Plus the fact that I have to WORK in order to pay these bills. What is that all about??!! It's total bullshit, Man!

2. Getting out of school at 3pm. I'm lucky if I get out of work before 7pm. I miss my four hours of freedom.

3. Sleeping in on the weekends/ summer vacation. Since my son has been born, the latest I've "slept in" is 8am. And on a work day, I'm up at 5am.

4. Being able to eat whatever I wanted. Not that I didn't have a weight problem then as well, but I never once read a label or counted a calorie or drank diet pop. (Hence the weight problem now....)

5. Having a home-cooked meal every night. Even if I complained about what we were having, didn't like it, or begged to go out to eat, I miss having my mom's home-cookin on the table every night at 5pm. (Sidebar: Hubby is a great cook, but we're both so tired at the end of either being at work all day or taking care of baby, that neither one of us has any desire to cook).

The other 5 questions:

1. Can you tell me your whereabouts on the evening of April 38th, 1991?
I believe at the local pub, drinking my body weight in Bud Light.

2. If you could have named yourself, which name would you have picked?
Anastasia Beaverhowsen

3. What was the 29th book you read?
"Mommy, Where Do Babies Come From?" (Mom wouldn't tell me, so I had to find out on my own!)

4. In your opinion, who was the hottest Apostle?
John

5. Dude, where's my car?
I don't know because some days I'm driving the mini van, others the Nissan. I have to walk around the parking lot hitting the alarm buttons to see if any vehicle starts beeping. Then I go toward the light. Or the car that is beeping...

Alright. I'm done. There are my lists.

Good day, sir. I SAID GOOD DAY!

Someone Pissed in the Gene Pool Again

2005-07-07T05:20:00.000-07:00

I'm driving into work this morning and there is this Good Ole Boy in a big ass pickup truck behind me. He comes flying up behind me, dippin his tabacky, and I get over to let him pass. As I do, I notice a crudely hand-made window sticker. This guy "lovingly" cut out each of the following letters: "Eatin' Pussy... Shittin' Food."

I almost wrecked when I read it. It caught me so off guard! But all I could think of was - THANK GOD I'M MARRIED! I couldn't even imagine being single and having this as an option to date. What a piece of cacka. A derelict hillbilly white-trash piece of garbage, if you will. And wouldn't he be a treat to bring home to Mom??

I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy "Blue Collar Comedy" and I think "Larry the Cable Guy" is hillarious. But I don't see him as dating material. This is for several reasons, the first and most important being that I'm married and not looking to date.

Anyway, I just thought this material was too good to go unrepeated. Only in America. And only in Ohio, I guess...

Jingle Jangle

2005-07-01T05:07:00.000-07:00

As I was diffusing my hair this morning (for those of you who don't know, this is an attachment you put on your blow-dryer when you have naturally curly hair - it stops it from frizzing up), I got that stupid Mr. Clean jingle stuck in my head:

Mr Clean gets rid of grease and grime
and dirt in just a minute
Mr Clean is stronger longer
cuz there's ultra power in it

I wanted it out of my head, so I was desperately scanning my brain for a replacement song. Here's what I came up with:

Early to rise
Early to bed
In and between
I cooked and cleaned
and went out of my head
Going through life
with blinders on
it's tough to see
I had to get up
Get out from under
And look for me

There's a new girl in town
and she's lookin good
There's a fresh, freckled face
in the neighborhood
Things are great when you stand
on your own to feet
But this girl's here to say
with some luck and love
life's gonna be...
so sweet

Anyone know what show this was from? I'll give you a dollar if you can guess it correctly!

The Squeegy: A One-Use Tool

2005-06-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

This morning as I was driving into work, I was following a huge blue conversion van. Spattered along the back doors was some sort of pinkish substance. It brought up a fond memory from my youth. Several years ago, I was designated driver for a group of drunken and rowdy 19-year-old girls. We were returning home from a long and heavy night of partying. As we hopped on the freeway leaving Downtown Cleveland (The Flats), my friend crawled over another friend in the back seat, rolled down the window, and proceeded to vomit out the window at 65 mph. Her aim wasn't so good, and the vomit actually landed on the passenger side of the car from the door to the trunk.

She felt really bad about what happened, and started crying. Then she reached out the window and, with the sleeve of her new winter wool jacket, proceeded to "wipe off" the puke.

I dropped all of my friends off and went straight home, not really thinking much about it.

The next morning, I had long since forgotten the incident. I was off on my merry way and decided to stop for gas. When I got out of the car to fill up, I noticed huge, crystalized puke-cicles. Yes, it was the dead of winter, and my friend's vomit was frozen to my car.

All I had to work with was the window-cleaner-squeegy thing. Here's a helpful hint for all of you: Squeegies do NOT scrape puke-cicles off of your vehicle. I ended up using my window scraper and then immediately throwing it out. Being winter time, I (of course!) could not get it washed. It looked horrid.

Later on that night, my parents asked me what was all over the side of my car. I told them I thought it was mud. They didn't buy it, on account of mud isn't pink and doesn't have chunks of food in it and doesn't smell like vomit. But that was my story, and I stuck to it.

Ahhhh, youth. Good times, good times.

This Could Only Happen To Me...

2005-06-29T11:41:00.000-07:00

So I go into the bathroom to pour out some old coffee. Not wanting to be a jerk, I turned on the water so as not to stain the porcelain sink. I turn the handle and BLAMO! The faucet flies up, hits the ceiling, and then clanks back down into the sink. Water shoots up and out, everywhere, like a fricking volcano errupting. I was soaking wet!!! I screamed (I know, very professional) and then went back in to try and turn the handle to the "off" position. A coworker, hearing my scream, came running to my rescue. I'm sure she thought something really bad had happened, and so she just started laughing when she saw me. I called the department that handles emergency situations such as these, and they were like: "oh, okay." And not, "OH MY GOD - ARE YOU OKAY?" Apparently someone will be by at some point and fix it. Whatever. Meanwhile, we're having a wet t-shirt contest over here, and I'm the only participant...